DOORS DON'T MOVE WHEN I KICK THEM

I struggle as a dreamer. I see stuff that could and should be. I see it in my house. I see it in my kids. I see it in almost everyone. I believe in potential in people to the core of my being. So much so, that at times it's really burned me. I'll love and give and help people till I end up upside down myself. I'm the guy who is at risk of drowning while trying to save the guy I'm sure could swim if he just had a hand.

I believe it is the heart of God. I love 1 Corinthians 1 and the reminder that not many of us were of much value to the world when he chose us. I think God's greatest miracle is to take my (insert your own word for feces here) and turn it into fertilizer for His Kingdom work. I love watching God do that in my youth ministry. I think it's half the reason I do my job.

I choose to believe it's within me too. I want to believe God is not done with me and my best contributions to his Kingdom work are still to come. But sometimes, I try and prove it. So I try and pry or kick open new doors of opportunity. I was talking with a friend last night and about the future and about jobs and such and we were talking about how he was thinking of prying doors of opportunity open. He said he was going to try a few. I said I think I'm done doing that. He said he had a big pry bar. I said, "Me to, but it always seems to pop open the sewer."

When I felt like God called me to move from my last church, I asked God where and tried to do my part. I put together a resume, responded to job leads I thought fit me, even put together a plan and had two preliminary vision meetings on planting a church with some friends. Finally, after over a year of dreaming and prying and all the doors shutting in my face... I told God I wasn't moving unless he did first. No joke, that was on a Friday. On Sunday, there were 3 job offers on my voice mail.

Since being here in San Diego, I've been asked to teach seminars at 2 conferences in LA. Both of which were God doors. Within the last month, I've had 2 conversations with friends in ministry, just to check in. Both times, it resulted in an opportunity offered to me as a communicator that I was humbled and honored by, but did not ask for or even see it coming. Both times I left asking God... "What was that about?" How come all his blessings seem to blindside me?

I think I've come to the conclusion that this is how he rolls- at least with me. It's like I can look and dream and pray, but if I open my mouth- someone closes the window shades. If I shut up, serve, listen, and seek.... he opens the doors. Some days it makes me want to scream. Other days , when I'm sane, it reminds me that He really is in control.

My youth pastor said this to me probably a thousand times as an intern: "Brian, you provide the depth, and let God provide the breadth of your ministry". It's taken me over a dozen years to believe him.

I'm a slow learner evidently.