XXX WATER

This morning I went to go get a bagel and while waiting for them to make it into an egg thing-a-majig, I was checking out the beverages they sell in the fridge.

While examining them, I was thinking how stupid it is that America has like a thousand ways to buy bottle water when lots of the world has no water at all and we treat it like a fad with different shaped bottles that probably cost more than the water inside and that I promise you, I could come up with a new fandangled way to pitch water to you with some silly promise. One of them they sell is "smart water" which I'm positive is just water and it makes you dumb if you buy it thinking it will make you smart.

But then I saw the multi-colored vitamin water and thought, well at least those people might have legitimately jacked with their water and added food coloring and called it vitamins. In the process, I saw that they sell one called "XXX" water and so I walked over to read about it, assuming the bottle would claim it was some kind of aphrodisiac.

However I found this paragraph instead:

c-mon, get your mind out of the gutter, we only named this drink xxx because it has the power of triple antioxidants to help keep you healthy and fight the radicals so in case you’re wondering, this does not cost $1.99 a minute or contain explicit adult content or anything considered “uncensored”, it has not “gone wild!!!!” during spring break nor will clips of it be passed around the internet like a certain hotel heiress and it has never been seen nude, but it is definitely au naturale.

I laughed out loud.

I think that if you're going to jack with people's water and sell it to them with some amazing promise, you should at least have fun doing it. I now want to take a second job working for vitamin water. I want to write the silly smack talk they put on the side of the bottles. Somewhere in the world, someone right now is sitting in a cubicle in vitamin water land saying to themselves, "I can't believe they pay me to do this." I take that back, they're probably on the ski slopes of Utah texting their latest paragraph to their boss while riding the lifts and laughing all the way to the bank as people buy colored water in the name of healthy living.

I'm jealous.