PARENTING AND POOP

TJ: Yelling through the bathroom door- "What happened to the toilet paper?"

Me: On the couch in the next room yelling back- "Why, are you trying to back one out?"

TJ: Still yelling through the bathroom door- "Yep, I'm droppin some dirt".

Mom: (looks at me with accusing eyes that I have taught him too many creative ways to say, "I have to poop" which are now flowing freely out of our soon to be 8 year old sons vocabulary.)

Me: Shrugs shoulders, smiles innocently, and says, "That's my boy" ... to which I went to go aid a brother in distress and fetch another roll.

NOTE: no need to reply with your infinite list of ways to say this. This will only get me in trouble with my lovely wife- I'm probably already "busted" as my youngest Jake would say, for posting this funny story anyway. Trust me, I can rattle off like 20 more creative gestures for needing to "go number two" without pausing to breathe. My experience says this is true for just about any other male who ever played sports, went to camp, sat around bored with his friends, shared an apartment with 7 guys during college, joined a fraternity... or any number of other reasons that I too can. :)

MORE NOTES:
1. Not wanting to wake someone up who is sleeping is not a good reason not to flush- especially after the above. Flushing is always mandatory. I think I'm going to decree this as the King of the house from a perch a top our stairs soon.
2. As King.... I also decree that not replacing a tp role when you use up the last of it or not replacing a toilet paper roll to the "extra toilet paper" section of the bathroom after you use that one to replace an existing empty one should be grounds for requiring you to use an outhouse in the vacant lot next door for life.
3. My children are learning to read while on the can. I cannot support any policy that keeps my children on the porcelain for extended periods. I never want to remain in there for long. I can't imagine wanting to stay long enough to read a book.
4. Air fresheners are not fooling anyone. Your stuff still stinks and now the potpouri smells foul too.
5. Fans are good. Windows are better. Remember this when you design a house without windows in your bathrooms.
6. If you can say, "Daddy, I have poopy in my pants"- then you're old enough to not poop in your pants. Someone please tell Jake. He seems to think to himself- "If I don't poop in my pants then I'll get candy. But that will mean I have to go to the potty and ask for help. Then I'll have to stop playing. If I poop in my pants I can keep playing and loose the candy. Play? Candy? Play? Candy? Play wins..... ". The candy thing ain't workin.
7. I have a friend who went to Russia and brought be back a roll of toilet paper because it is such a rare commodity there. This is wrong on many levels.
8. Parenting so far as I can tell is entirely too much about ensuring people poop.