RESPONDING TO QUESTIONS

So, my last post produced over 800 reads in one day- well over 8x what this boring little section of the internet usually sees.  The reason was not because I titled the post "boobies", but largely due to the fact that it was picked up by two prolific blogging friends of mine with a much broader audience, mark oestreicher and adam mclane.

The result was, a slew of comments, reads, and several questions on multiple blogs and facebook.  Because of the brief rant nature of my last post and I guess because it is national breast cancer awareness month, I touched a nerve in some.

Since I don't really want this to be the subject of my blog, I figured I could just drop this whole thing and move on.  But, before I do that, here are my responses to some of the questions posed to me.

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TAKE BRACELETS OFF OF 10 YEAR OLD BOYS, ISN'T THAT A PARENT'S JOB?

The ten year old boy I mentioned in my post, is a kid on my U12 boys soccer team I coach.  He had to take it off for a game because it is considered illegal jewelry.  Consequently, I was asked to keep it for him.  I did so until the next practice when he asked me if I still had it.  I asked him why he wore it and if he had anyone in his family with breast cancer.  He said he liked it but that no one had cancer and then the conversation turned to all his peers telling him that at their secular elementary schools, they are not allowed to wear them either and that the principal confiscates them.

I don't "rip" things off 10 year old boys (or teens for that matter).  However, I also do not see "I love boobies" bracelets as anything necessary to the task of playing soccer, and for the one boy who wants to wear it, I have asked him to take it off during practice too, as it is not needed... and for much deeper reasons, too far beyond the scope of conversation with a prepubescent boy.

And yes, I believe it should be a parent's job.  No, I don't let my own kids (all of whom go to public schools) wear these.  I see no reason to, regardless of who in my friend or family circles may or may not have breast cancer.

HAVE YOU RUN INTO SOMEONE WEARING THESE BRACELETS WHO ACTUALLY IS GENUINELY TRYING TO RAISE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS?  

No, for guys.  Yes, for one girl which I mention in the next question.

We do have a student in our ministry who has a mom who has been fighting cancer (not of the breast though) for the last 8 years, when she was given just 6 months to live.  This month, he has a ribbon shaved into the back of his head, but no bracelet proclaiming his love for boobies on his arm.

AREN'T YOU MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF A MINOR ISSUE?

Yes and no.  Yes, wearing a "I love boobies" bracelet is a minor issue.  There are massively larger issues in the area of teenage sexuality at least.  No, because it is a symptom of a much bigger issue.

I have worked with high school students for the last 16+ years of my life and I can tell you without a doubt, at least in California, the girls believe they have to look a certain way to be beautiful.  They are unilaterally paranoid about breast size, waist size, butt shape, legs, noses...  even skin tone and hair color.  If you sit down in front of a group of American teenage women and tell them sincerely and with passion that regardless of the messages they've been told, that they are beautiful, loved, valued, and treasured... my experience says that at least 50% of the audience will be in tears and the reason the other 50% are not is they've been hurt too much to believe you.  NO WOMAN OR GIRL in this culture needs another message from our culture telling her that her boobies matter or are loved by boys and men.

If you want a much better way to combat this issue, try the dove campaign for real beauty.

Here's one example of how I do deal with these bracelets in our ministry. (I already posted it in a comment on Mark Oestreicher's blog comment stream but I'll repost here for clarity).

This last summer, one girl in our high school group wore an "I love boobies" bracelet when we were going to work with the homeless. I explained to her that unless she wanted homeless men talking to her about her boobies while she gave them a sandwich, she should put it away… because they are not interested in fighting breast cancer, but they are hungry.  She agreed and did so.  I also talked with her that I thought it was degrading to her and others and that she should value her own body more than this bracelet communicates.  I told her that I don't think she'd feel honored by me if I wore one, and that she should give it some thought if that's any different for she or her male peers.

No, I don’t have a bouncer a the door of youth group saying, “you can’t come in here with that”… though I’m not sure that is good. I really think I need to call both men and women to a higher ground.  I believe that messages like the "I love boobies" campaign,  however subtle that message is communicated, are incongruent with being a follower of Jesus who holds to a all women are created “in God’s image” view of creation.

I don’t think the average teen even thought at all about any of this before buying or wearing these bracelets.  I think as a loving and caring adult, I must help them do just that.


DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MEN LIKING BREASTS?

Ha! Adam McLane provocatively titled his link to my post, "Brian Berry Hates Boobies".  Thanks Adam.  And no, for the record and without giving you more info than the internet deserves, I don't hate breasts.  I have very honest conversations with the young men in our ministry and my own 13 year old son about the beauty of God's design for sexuality.  I think sex was created by God and is intended to have both reproductive and pleasure implications.  I however don't think anyone in my ministry needs a bracelet to remind them or anyone around them that they are a fan of God's invention called breasts- cancer free or not.

WHO MAKES THESE WRIST BANDS ANYWAY? 

This company/organization does.

These bracelets and shirts they make are being banned all over the place on public schools as distraction to the middle school and high school students. If you worked with any context that is saturated in pre-teen and teen students, you know instinctively why that is.

If you want to hear a story or read a story of a high school student who is an exception to this rule and who evidently really did know why she was wearing her bracelet, then read this blog post about Candice.  Which, while I still don't like the slogan, I understand and respect her passion and story.  As the article clearly states, she is the exception to the rule and her school district gave she and she alone a pass on their ban of the products.

Additionally she mentions that she's trying to get an assembly for her local middle school for girls ages 11-14.  I have zero problem with this.  In fact, that makes a lot of sense.

What I think is totally bogus is for coed teen contexts to be the target of this campaign.   

At least 3 facts from this breast cancer fact sheet make me seriously question the use of any marketing strategy on breast cancer that is designed to raise awareness among high school men... and barely much sense for it to be such a huge issue for high school girls.  If this was even a college campus initiative, it would make more sense.  For example:

• (for the most part, and yes, there are exceptions) we don't even begin to require or expect women in our culture to have a mammogram before they are 40.  
• less than 5% of all breast cancer patients are under 40. 
• some men can develop breast cancer, but it is extremely rare. 

All of this seems to make it crystal clear to me, that there is zero reason for a 16 year-old young man in my ministry to be wearing this bracelet.

Read more...

BOOBIES

Yep, I just titled this post "boobies".  Now I will get all kinds of disgruntled porn traffic.

Which will only prove my point further.  

I've had a rant stuck inside me for months that I've let out in various circles but I've been waiting to blog about for forever, but be forewarned, here it comes.

I HATE THE "I LOVE BOOBIES" BRACELETS!!!  

I hate them. 

I've pulled them off 10 year-old boys on my soccer teams, called out guys in our high school program for wearing them, and questioned girls who walk proudly with them on- the latest of which was earlier today.  

To mock them, I even bought www.ilovemanboobies.com, www.ilovemoobs.com, and www.ilovemoobies.com  Yep, I own them all... cuz I was seriously thinking of starting my own stupid trend to mock the current one.  I was gonna make bracelets and t-shirts with a giant silverback gorilla and his big boobies and raise money for prostate cancer or maybe diabetes or something.   I just hate them so much that I don't want to risk losing money fighting them with my satire, so I'm a chicken of an entrepreneur and haven't done anything with my url buying spree yet.  

NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT BREAST CANCER.

Wake up!  

No 16 year-old dude is wearing a bracelet that says, "I love boobies" because his mom has breast cancer. That guy didn't do the breast cancer walk or raise money for breast cancer awareness and if you ask him to give you $10 to fight cancer and skip the bracelet, you'd raise no money.  He will happily check your breasts for suspicious lumps however. 

My grandma lost one of her breasts to cancer.  She was a breast cancer survivor.  We constantly teased her for leaving her foam "replacement" boob everywhere. "Grandma you left your boob in the kitchen again".  I can't imagine in a million years wearing a bracelet that says, "I love boobies" around my grandma who only had one.  Maybe I should have bought her one that says, "I love boob".   

I was in vegas this summer for 5 hours on our way to Idaho and asked this teen guy if I could take his pic in circus circus.  Read the location as an intentional pun on this stupid pic. 

Look... at least he has one that really says it... "I love your boobies"

You know what's even more astounding than the fact that the NFL chose to sponsor breast cancer and not lukemia or lung cancer and heart disease or drug rehab or anything not directly related to sexuality and cheer leader anatomy... what's most amazing to me is that they wear pink cleats, pink chin straps, pink pretty much anything.... but not one of them is wearing an "i love boobies" bracelet that I've seen.  No one. Go figure.  

Several of high school and Middle Schools in our area agree with me and have BANNED the stupid things.  Oh... and the online pole for nbc san diego dot com attached to the article says the fact that they banned them has "71% of people furious" about it at the point I published this.

UNBELIEVABLE. 

It's a teen thing cuz they love breasts not fighting breast cancer.... but that's another discussion. This really isn't about the sexual or reproductive marvels of the female anatomy anyway.

IT'S TELLS WOMEN IN OUR CULTURE, THEIR VALUE IS IN THEIR BREASTS. 

It does.  We've been telling them this for years in our culture.

This stupid trend does it the most unashamedly of all.  It says to them, "Hi, when I see you, I see breasts first."  So we sell all kinds of products and surgeries and you name it, to make the part of you we see and value the most, look more like what american culture demands for beauty.  

Think about it.  

I have an idea.  How about I start wearing one of these bracelets when I teach on Sunday?   Maybe I'll wear a shirt that says "I love tatas" with it and afterwards we can all go grab lunch at Hooters.  

I'm sure... positive even... that all the girls in our ministry will be thinking, "what a creeper".  I'll lose my job on demands that I'm a pervert.  I mean really, now I'm supposed to tell students, "wow, we both love boobies. So we have that in common."  

Ridiculous.  Absofreakinglootly ridiculous!!!

DON'T WEAR THAT DUMB BRACELET AROUND ME... OR IF YOU DO, BE PREPARED TO CUT A $50 CHECK TO BREAST CANCER RESEARCH ON THE SPOT WHEN I ASK YOU. 

Read more...

WORKING WITH PARENTS OF TEENS

Periodically I meet with parents and teens who are having a tough time getting along.  I'm no expert parent and this process isn't flawless or endorsed by some counsel of 4 out of 5 successful parents somewhere, but when we do meet, there are several things I always go over.

NO ONE THINKS THIS IS FUN.  

First thing I do is remind them of the obvious.  No one thinks this is fun. They inherently get that. No student loves being in my office with their parent who is upset with them.  What they don't always realize is that it's not fun for anyone.  No parent decided to have kids, then taught them to walk, bought them ice cream, created family photo albums of cute kid pics, and then just waited for the day when they would lack trust in one another and end up frustrated and in my office.  This whole situation sucks for everyone and the sooner we can agree where we are is not where we want to be, the sooner we can start working towards an agreeable future.

NO ONE WANTS TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE.  

Next, I remind parents and students that our goal is to work ourselves out of a job.  All students in this situation think their parent wants to micromanage their life and is some kinda control freak.  Even if the parents really are doing this, all parents in this situation feel like they have no other choice.  The second agreement I try and reach is that our collective goal is to stop telling the student what to do.   If they're having their teen pee in the cup all the time for a drug test, I declare this as a waste of time and money and something everyone would love to no longer need to do.  Everybody hates it.  I remind parents and students that parents actually have enough problems of their own to worry about and would really love to focus on something other than trying to manage their teen's decisions.  Every parent begins the process at birth making every decision for their infant (minus when they crap their pants) and is now in an 18 year (plus or minus) baton pass of eventually making none of their child's daily decisions.  I remind students and parents that we are literally trying to give the student full control of their life.  This is usually no where on a students radar.  

I then draw this diagram explaining that with as a student gets older, responsibility for their own actions does and should increase:

which leads me to this third conclusion:

IF YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ADULT, THEN YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE ONE.  

With greater privileges come greater responsibility.  If an adult crashes their car then an adult has to deal with the ramifications of that.  If a "legal minor" does, then that affects not just them, but the "adults" responsible for them.  In the same way, if student doesn't want their life micro-managed by a parent (which we already agreed they do not), then we have to agree that they must also take on more responsibility.  they have to do some growing up and kissing of adolescent behavior patterns and excuses goodbye.  In that case, when they are given the privilege of say "extra freedom", then the responsibility of owning the consequences of the choices they did with that freedom must also be embraced.  

Here is where I usually work with a family and suggest that they come up with a top list... say 5 things or less, that can be agreed upon and are "big ticket" items at this stage of the parenting/growing up task.  I ask them to look for things that the student and parent both want and that can have clearly agreed upon goals and consequences.  

So, for example... If a student wants to be able to go over to a friends house after school, but the parent doesn't trust the peer group they want to be with due to past failures, then we try and find another agreeable location they can meet and an agreed upon consequence should they revert to stupid behavior and say "get drunk together" again.  

LASTLY, I OFFER TO MEET AGAIN.

I usually encourage families to do some "homework" and work on that list and how we can get out of the business of micromanaging of one another's lives and then let's talk again about how to implement it.  

There ya have it.  My 3 cents.  

What about you?  You got any tips? 

Read more...

10.10.10 REFLECTION

In our desert trip last weekend, one of the things we did was give students a 30 minute block to be alone with God.  We invited them to find a space somewhere within whistle distance of our main camp and they spread out into shaded spots on rocks all around.

Then in honor of the once in a lifetime date of Oct. 10, 2010 or 10.10.10 we had them do the following exercise.  (We sounded a horn between each section to indicate it was time to mentally move on and cautioned them to not move ahead or go back, but simply stick to this mental discipline as it is designed)

SPEND 10 MINUTES PONDERING THE PAST.
some things to consider:

• experiences
• regrets
• addictions
• conversations
• people
• pain
• laughter
• joy

SPEND 10 MINUTES PONDERING THE PRESENT.
some things to consider:

• attitude
• soul
• problems
• feelings
• faith
• loves

SPEND 10 MINUTES PONDERING THE FUTURE.
some things to consider:

• goals
• character 
• risks
• what will be on your tombstone or said in an epitaph
• family
• relationship with God and others
• vision or purpose

This little activity proved to be the highlight of the weekend for several of our crew- providing space for God to speak to us and to intentionally evaluate where we've been, who we are, and who we are becoming was an amazing opportunity.

We then discussed what we heard/discovered/concluded about our lives in small groups.  Discussion was lively and the entire time in small groups and the solitude that proceeded them just flew by.  

Well worth doing again not only for my own life, but in ministry in another retreat or even team meeting setting in the future.  I'd highly recommend finding a half hour slot in your life in the near future to do this exercise.  Find a time and spot to unplug and give it a try. 

Read more...

MAN TRIPS AND THE DESERT

When I moved to San Diego about 6 years ago, I left behind a youth ministry that I poured my heart and soul into in Nor Cal.  Powerhouse was the place I cut my ministry teeth, experienced life changing trips and retreats, and developed some of my deepest and most treasured life-long friendships.

I could go on for quite some time about the lessons I learned there, but there was at least one thing I vowed to continue- regardless of where I was serving in student ministry.  (ironically, it was one of the first things that was cut after I left- but that's another story)  Anyway, I vowed I would provide an opportunity for women and men to have a gender specific discipleship retreat.  That experience has taken on many different forms over the past decade for me, but here in San Diego, it has always meant the women go to a beautiful San Diego resort/hotel and the men go to the desert for the weekend.  I have still never experienced the women's retreat (for obvious reasons) but I know that it changes lives.

But our high school men's retreat, I've seen first hand and this last weekend was yet another trip to the desert.  This year it consisted of our crew and a crew from Danny Bower's church.  All totaled it was 45 men of various ages from teen to "definitely not teen" in the desert for 2 days of bonding.

Here's some of the reasons why I do it.

GET AWAY FACTOR:  Everyone in ministry who has ever done a "retreat" knows the power of this truth: "when you change the setting, it's easier to change lives."  It just is.  And change is CRITICAL to the process of moving from boyhood to manhood.  Getting away from our comforts and "normal" context is a catalyst to this process.

UNPLUG: even though our girls stay local, the first thing they do is turn in their cell phones in a bucket so they can unplug and focus on God and one another for the weekend.  On our guys retreat, we don't have to collect them because they don't work in the desert and we'll simply use them for target practice if they bring them or their ipod out anyway.  But if there's anything this generation and men in our world need in general, it is a chance to unplug from the distraction of this texting, ear bud wearing, electronic world.  Solitude and Silence prove to be awesome aids to spiritual growth.

MATURITY IS A CHOICE:  I believe getting older is mandatory, but growing up is not.  This retreat is a chance to offer boys the a clear path of choices that lead to adulthood, something that has been lost in our culture in my opinion. We wrestle with Scripture, we take communion, we worship, we pray, we talk about real life, and we challenge young men to act as such and to leave some childish ways behind.  In the process, it inevitably reminds all the "non teen adults"that manhood is not a destination, but a constant journey we must continue to move along too.

FATHER SON MENTORING:  This retreat gives us a rare opportunity to really step into a role where, like a good father, we offer a chance for guys to be intentionally mentored by a caring adult.  Whether it's teaching them how to handle a weapon, bbq a steak, or interact with Scripture, I never tire of watching male students and leaders have significant conversations and life on life teachable moments.  Especially when so many of those young men come from a fatherless context, it seems to me that this type of opportunity is mandatory for the church to seize today.

GOD SHOWS UP:  Seriously, there's something about the desert where it seems that God is there waiting for us.  I LOVE this little spot in the desert we camp in.  It's a sandy wash in the bottom of some massive rock piles that just makes you want to sit down and connect with God.  

FUN: I love the fact that these guys have genuine fun.  It's like they all revert to being a young boy again and just have some good healthy fun with no one to impress.  We play paintball with slingshots, baseball with a potato gun, ride a zipline, and teach them how to properly handle several weapons and shoot targets.  We do some team building, we go on hikes, we literally sleep under the stars on tarps, we blow stuff up (don't ask), set stuff on fire (you can kinda ask), and eat way too much food. It is just plain and simple fun.

And... if you happen to be a youth pastor reading this blog, then here's some cheater stuff for you if you want to do this same retreat for your group or something similar to it.

Here it is, all wrapped up in a bucket download. Included inside you'll find:

• our agenda for the weekend.
• teaching guides we used with Scripture and some quotes from Donald Miller's, A million miles in a thousand years book we centered some discussion around. 
• 20 questions doc we used for the first night bonding questions
• food and kitchen prep list for all 6 meals.
• general packing list of what we take.
• our church permission slip

If you have more specific questions after downloading that stuff, you can hit me up here. 

Read more...

THE POWER OF PRESENCE

Last weekend I had the honor of officiating the ceremony for my sister-in-law Erica and her now husband Ian.  I was the man up front, my wife was matron of honor, and my lovely daughter Becky was a flower girl.  Somehow I managed to not get a pic of us on the wedding day, but here we are at the rehearsal.  It was a beautiful lake view ranch deck in the quaint town of Solvang, CA

Anyway, once the bride had officially been given, the crowd was seated, and we had everyone declare their intentions through our pre-liminary vows, I said these words:

"Ian and Erica… it is an immense privilege for my family and I to be here today. Thank you so much for allowing me the honor of officiating and participating in this special day in your lives. Erica, as your brother, and Ian as your friend and soon to be family member, there is nowhere else I’d rather be today and no other thing I’d rather be doing."

I really meant those worlds.  But for those words to have any meaning, I can't say them in any form other than in person.  Can you imagine if I said them on some tv screen via projector up front or over text as I buzzed their pocket or at that precise moment on both of their facebook walls?  How ridiculous.

Yet, in our world today, it is becoming increasingly popular for people to think they don't need to be present to maintain relationship.   While I suppose a facebook comment or a text message means something, it cannot and does not replace the need for face-to-face contact for friendship.

It's as if we are trying to say, "It's ok. You don't need to really talk to anyone."  Here's an increasing mental list I've been keeping lately:

• PHONE HELP:  One would think a phone call couldn't be done without an actual human voice on the other end.  Nope.  I called to talk to AT&T the other day and some virtual voice tried to get me to select from a ridiculous amount of options that would open up a new level of more options each time I selected from the previous one, all the while nice automated voice was claiming to be "trying to help me".  Oh for the love of all things holy, give me a human being please.  Took me like 5 minutes to finally find one. 
• FAST FOOD:  I was in Carl's Jr with Becky the other day because I promised her a milkshake for running an errand with me on our little Daddy trip. When we got inside, there were 2 people behind the counter, one of which we ordered from.  But if I didn't feel like talking to them, I was shocked to discover that I could actually order my entire meal, customizing each item, and then pay for it.... all on a freaking touch screen kiosk to the right if I wanted.  Are minimum wage human beings obsolete now?
• HOME DEPOT:  I went to Home Depot to get some stuff for youth group today.  There were 12 cash registers, 2 of which had human beings at them.  The other 10 were empty. Instead, there were four "self-check out" automated machines where I could again do everything I wanted without speaking to a single human being.  So, because the lines were so long, I bought $140 worth of stuff from a touch screen robot.  Ridiculous. 
• BANKING:  As far as I'm concerned, my bank can be permanently closed because the Wells Fargo ATM outside now does everything. I mean I don't have to talk to a soul or fill out a single piece of paper because the ATM will count money, transfer money, e-mail me a receipt, even scan and total my checks all on it's own.  Are you kidding me?  If it could give me something besides only $20 bills, then I guess they really can lock the doors. 
• BOARDING A PLANE:  Yep, I can actually buy a ticket online, go to an automated kiosk and get my boarding pass, walk up and hand some dude my pass and ID, and then get on a plane, all without saying a word to a single soul if I don't want to.  
• INVITATIONS: Most of my invites these days don't come from someone actually inviting me, they come in the form of some group e-mail or event invite.  Birthday parties, weddings, graduations, grand openings, you name it... the electronic invitation is the clear leader.
• CHURCH:  Every weekend people come to our church, sit intentionally by themselves, watch the message on a big television screen, and then get in their car and drive off, never saying a word to anyone around them and then call that "going to church".  I regularly read one church's twitter feed where they actually tell people, "it's ok.  If you missed church this weekend, just watch it online at www.abcdchurch.tv "  Really, now we can virtually attend church and our presence isn't even necessary for a healthy faith community?  

Technology can be cool and useful.  It can also be ridiculous and misleading.  

As a youth pastor, who works with the "internet generation", I'm becoming acutely aware of the desperate need for real people to interact with real people in real time.   

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of this post being on the internet. God help us all.  I'm stupid. 

Read more...