THE POWER OF PRESENCE

Last weekend I had the honor of officiating the ceremony for my sister-in-law Erica and her now husband Ian.  I was the man up front, my wife was matron of honor, and my lovely daughter Becky was a flower girl.  Somehow I managed to not get a pic of us on the wedding day, but here we are at the rehearsal.  It was a beautiful lake view ranch deck in the quaint town of Solvang, CA

Anyway, once the bride had officially been given, the crowd was seated, and we had everyone declare their intentions through our pre-liminary vows, I said these words:

"Ian and Erica… it is an immense privilege for my family and I to be here today. Thank you so much for allowing me the honor of officiating and participating in this special day in your lives. Erica, as your brother, and Ian as your friend and soon to be family member, there is nowhere else I’d rather be today and no other thing I’d rather be doing."

I really meant those worlds.  But for those words to have any meaning, I can't say them in any form other than in person.  Can you imagine if I said them on some tv screen via projector up front or over text as I buzzed their pocket or at that precise moment on both of their facebook walls?  How ridiculous.

Yet, in our world today, it is becoming increasingly popular for people to think they don't need to be present to maintain relationship.   While I suppose a facebook comment or a text message means something, it cannot and does not replace the need for face-to-face contact for friendship.

It's as if we are trying to say, "It's ok. You don't need to really talk to anyone."  Here's an increasing mental list I've been keeping lately:

• PHONE HELP:  One would think a phone call couldn't be done without an actual human voice on the other end.  Nope.  I called to talk to AT&T the other day and some virtual voice tried to get me to select from a ridiculous amount of options that would open up a new level of more options each time I selected from the previous one, all the while nice automated voice was claiming to be "trying to help me".  Oh for the love of all things holy, give me a human being please.  Took me like 5 minutes to finally find one. 
• FAST FOOD:  I was in Carl's Jr with Becky the other day because I promised her a milkshake for running an errand with me on our little Daddy trip. When we got inside, there were 2 people behind the counter, one of which we ordered from.  But if I didn't feel like talking to them, I was shocked to discover that I could actually order my entire meal, customizing each item, and then pay for it.... all on a freaking touch screen kiosk to the right if I wanted.  Are minimum wage human beings obsolete now?
• HOME DEPOT:  I went to Home Depot to get some stuff for youth group today.  There were 12 cash registers, 2 of which had human beings at them.  The other 10 were empty. Instead, there were four "self-check out" automated machines where I could again do everything I wanted without speaking to a single human being.  So, because the lines were so long, I bought $140 worth of stuff from a touch screen robot.  Ridiculous. 
• BANKING:  As far as I'm concerned, my bank can be permanently closed because the Wells Fargo ATM outside now does everything. I mean I don't have to talk to a soul or fill out a single piece of paper because the ATM will count money, transfer money, e-mail me a receipt, even scan and total my checks all on it's own.  Are you kidding me?  If it could give me something besides only $20 bills, then I guess they really can lock the doors. 
• BOARDING A PLANE:  Yep, I can actually buy a ticket online, go to an automated kiosk and get my boarding pass, walk up and hand some dude my pass and ID, and then get on a plane, all without saying a word to a single soul if I don't want to.  
• INVITATIONS: Most of my invites these days don't come from someone actually inviting me, they come in the form of some group e-mail or event invite.  Birthday parties, weddings, graduations, grand openings, you name it... the electronic invitation is the clear leader.
• CHURCH:  Every weekend people come to our church, sit intentionally by themselves, watch the message on a big television screen, and then get in their car and drive off, never saying a word to anyone around them and then call that "going to church".  I regularly read one church's twitter feed where they actually tell people, "it's ok.  If you missed church this weekend, just watch it online at www.abcdchurch.tv "  Really, now we can virtually attend church and our presence isn't even necessary for a healthy faith community?  

Technology can be cool and useful.  It can also be ridiculous and misleading.  

As a youth pastor, who works with the "internet generation", I'm becoming acutely aware of the desperate need for real people to interact with real people in real time.   

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of this post being on the internet. God help us all.  I'm stupid. 

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SERVING AS A TEAM

This summer I spent 3 days serving the homeless, partnering with an inner-city church, and volunteering downtown with our students on an event we call Project Downtown. It was a small group of middle and high school students (that included my oldest son TJ and I) that resulted in some great convos and reminders about why it is we do what we do in our community with students.

I also took our kids to help paint some park benches with our church in Collier Park in La Mesa- a local park that our Middle School and College Ministries have spear headed a partnership with. My kids love serving... at least for an hour or so :)

Then today, we went with our paid staff from Journey and spent 2 1/2 hours cleaning out, emptying, and helping organize the supply room for an elementary school in Lemon Grove. It's in desperate need of help, has almost 100% of it's students on a free meal program, and very little funding and therefore huge needs. But what it does have is a principal and several of it's teaching/campus staff who go to Journey who all have big hearts for their students and staff and asked us if we could come help.

So we did. Today.

It was fun to serve together and be reminded that church is most like the church when it is the church off campus meeting real needs in Jesus' name.

We were told that one of the staff at this school is in a wheel chair and another has some kinda prosthetic limb and that neither of them had access to the resource room pictured behind us because it was so unmanageable and cluttered with stuff that it was unusable. So, we vacuumed, swept, wiped, moved, tossed out, piled up, and organized all kinds of stuff so that in a quick few hours, we gave a school what would have taken one person 75+ hours to do and hopefully blessed our community in the process.

I'm praying it's the beginning of a beautiful local school/church partnership. Perhaps even just the beginning of one of many such partnerships. Which by the way, here's a list of from Adam McLane of some other ideas that you might do to start your own school/church partnership.  And here's another pastor on our team's post on this day.

In the process, as I reflected on these days, here's a few convictions I want to live out as a part of a healthy, active, church community and family:

• When the church serves, the world needs us.
• When the church serves, the gospel has daily implications.
• When the church serves, we become like Jesus.
• When the church serves, there is NOTHING like the local church.
• When the church serves, we can do together, what none of us can do alone.
• When the church serves, theology has a voice that reason can't argue away.
• When the church serves, the skeleton of words are given the muscle of action.

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DECLARING WAR ON EXTENDED ADOLESCENCE

For years, I've been saying that, "As a youth pastor, I don't mind it when a 16 year-old acts 16, what I have great trouble with is when her parent does."

Well, now I can add to the list of youth ministry angst, the growing trend in America that allows a teenager to extend their development and graduation out of the "kid" world and into the "adult world" well into their late twenties and early thirties. I'm so done with allowing a 25 year-old man to sit around, live at home, play video games, and take a few classes while working part-time at the mall and calling this normal or good. It's ridiculous and evidently, rampant. Articles like this one in the New York Times last week site multiple examples of what is being waited on as evidence of delayed adulthood:

• lack of jobs that send a percentage home to live with parents post graduation.
• extended college degrees and career confusion
• delayed marriage and 2/3rds choosing to live together instead of get married for several years
• delayed childbearing/raising
• lack of responsibility, etc

I recently read an entire treaty on this by Robert Epstein called Teen 2.0. In it, he declares at great length, that not only did Western civilization create the adolescent world, but that it has become an epidemic problem. He says, "there is simply no question that teens throughout history were integrated into adult society much earlier than they are today and that the tumultuous period that defines adolescence today did not exist until recent times." While there are things I disagree with in his book, I absolutely whole-heartedly agree that it is time to say "NO MORE" to this trend in our culture.

Donald Miller responded to this same NY Times article in a post where he titled it "If 40 is new 30, then 20 is the new junior high?" and suggests what a twenty-something who just got out of bed at noon and is reading Donald's blog on a laptop which is literally on their lap can do to combat this trend.

Personally, there are days when I'd like to combat it my foot firmly in someone's backside, but short of that, here's a few qualitative ways I'm declaring war on this in my own world and ministry:

APPRENTICE ADULTS: Epstein uses this phrase in his book and I love it. My job as a student ministries pastor and as a parent is to work myself right out of a job: to raise up adults. To this end, I've begun to see my job less as leading students during a crucial era of their lives, and more as the gatekeeper of a community where students can learn and practice adult roles. I can't call students to "grow up" unless I'm willing to intentionally provide opportunities for them to do just that.

REDEFINING FAILURE: Failure is not when a student fumbles a task, but rather failure is when an adult holds onto one so tightly, that a student can't learn it, embrace it, or lead it.

EMPOWER STUDENTS TO TAKE OVER TRADITIONAL "ADULT ROLES" IN OUR MINISTRY: Epstein argues extensively that privilege should be given to kids who show competency, even if that occurs before the age society says they should do it. (For example, he would argue that a kid should be able to stay home alone or drive a car based on something other than an age restriction) Again, while I may not agree entirely with all his suggestions, this year I'm intentionally opening up opportunities for students to teach in small groups, lead serving teams, and mentor their younger peers in other ministries as a few examples.

CHANGING LANGUAGE: I don't call students "kids" and I'm increasingly dropping "teens" from my language too in favor of "young adults". I am not calling teens to act like adults, I'm calling people who are already physiologically young adults to assume their mental, spiritual, and relational roles as an adult.

INTENTIONAL TRAINING: Starting in January, we're meeting 1x a month from 1-4pm for a thing we're calling "Seminar Sunday". In it, one of the things we'll be providing is a class for high school and college age students who want to step into adulthood to begin to learn some specific skills critical to the adult process. We'll be offering classes on money management, career planning, physical health, spiritual development, relationships, and other elements of healthy adult well-being.

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY: I have zero tolerance for apathy. I have grace for it, I just won't create an environment where I'm apathetic to apathy. Laziness, apathy, and empowering/enabling a purposeless life is 100% counter Jesus and Biblical living. I refuse to allow teens to wallow in a stage of life that has held their potential hostage.

CHANGING OUR ADULT TO STUDENT RATIO RADICALLY: I can't expect students to act like adults if they are only surrounded by teens who display the same maturity, advice, and behavior patterns I'm trying to undo. Currently, it is not uncommon in our weekend service in specific for the ratio of adult to student to be something like 20 or 25 to one. This cannot be if we are ever to create an "other culture" in our ministry.

TEACH HOW TO THINK, NOT WHAT TO THINK: At every turn, I'm trying to raise up a group of young adults who are intentionally wrestling with life and faith to the point of ownership and the ability to articulate their faith for themselves. Our mission states that we are "Inviting a Generation to Understand, Own, and Live out a life-changing faith in Jesus." I deeply believe that is exactly what I'm called to do.

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I AIN'T BIG TIME, BUT STINA IS

Came home from Yosemite to this reminder that I'm not BIG TIME, but our Middle School Pastor Christina is :)



If you wanna be BIG TIME.. then come join us at the NYWC this fall.

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WHY I COACH SOCCER

I have a wife, 5 kids, a full time job, still take one seminary class a quarter in pursuit of my ever elusive MDIV, and like everyone I know, also have an endless list of other things to do. Yet, despite these facts, every summer/fall I add 6 or 7 hours a week of soccer practice for 2 separate teams and coach 2 games every Saturday between Labor Day and Thanksgiving too.

This week marked the beginning of the coaching season for me again. So people ask:

What is wrong with you Brian? Are you nuts?

You might think so if you watch me whip out of the office twice a week to go coach soccer. On thursdays, I leave the office at 3:30pm and then coach soccer till 7pm and then from Mid September through the end of the season, I'll go to class from 7:15 to 10pm too. Come on, that's nuts.

Well, here's why I dive willingly into the deep end of the soccer commitment pool:

• I LOVE SOCCER: so, coaching it is fun. I love teaching and sharing this piece of my passion with kids and watching them "get it" and enjoy the game is good times. I love putting my foot on the ball, even if it's just coaching a new move.
• IT'S QUALITY, NEVER-GONNA-BE-ABLE-TO-DO-AGAIN, TIME WITH MY KIDS: I've coached TJ since he was 8 and this is his last year with me cuz next year, I'll coach Tyler and Jake. I'm going to miss coaching him because coaching my kids has been some of my best parenting moments. We've laughed and cried. We've talked about talent, comparison, conflict, endurance, the value of winning, lessons from losing, how to improve, and so much more. I could have had those conversations lots of ways, but not with near the ease or near the teachable moments.
• I'VE HAD SOME BAD COACHING EXPERIENCES: Without sharing details, there are some people I don't want coaching my kids and since AYSO can place my kid with whoever they want and is limited in resources to whoever volunteers to help, sometimes the coaching experience was less than desirable for my kids. Most coaches are great, but rather than complain about those who aren't, I decided to shut up and help and try and be a solution to my own problem.
• IT GETS ME OUT OF MY CHURCH: My world can be consumed by people that act like me or act a certain way around me or whatever because of my role as a pastor. This gets me out of the "christian world" and into the "real world" and lets me interact with people where their is nothing they presume about me. I just get to coach soccer, help their kid, and try and bless their family. I just try and be a great coach and encourage them with every opportunity I get. That's refreshing and in the end, a great testimony to the gospel and the way of Jesus anyway.
• IT SAVES ME TIME AND HEADACHES: Yep, believe it or not, it saves me time. We have 5 kids in soccer and that means 5 practice times. You KNOW that someone will need to be on one end of town when someone else needs to be across town at the same time if we just left it to chance. And, as a dual coach, I get to pick when and where we practice around my schedule and our games on Saturdays for at least 2 of the kids are guaranteed to not conflict. Also, our kids are young enough that we don't just drop them off and leave. We have to stay and watch. So, if I have to be there, I might as well be coaching. So, in the end, coaching the teams saves our family time and gives us the easiest way to manage our season.

So, there ya have it. That's why.

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KEEPING PARENTS IN THE LOOP

A few years ago, we started holding an annual, 45 minute, school year orientation meeting for parents of students in our youth ministry.

Honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long to start doing something like this... I think I did one my first couple of years in ministry and then stopped when parents became familiar with my ministry and the demand/fears subsided. But I really never should have stopped. I honestly think it's one of the very best things we do for parents all year.

Anyway, we did it again this last Sunday after our weekend services with parents of middle school & high school age kids. It was advertised on our ministry blogs and pushed it in the main church service as an important piece for all families with teens in our program. It's still not got a great attendance (or at least what I wished it had), I think because most still think it's old info or just for families with new 6th graders or freshmen... but hopefully in the years ahead we'll be able to change the tide and see more families there.

Here's why we do it:

• It reminds the new and old of why we do what we do cuz we talk philosophy and vision for a few minutes.
• It gives parents a chance to hear from our staff and for us to express our desire to team with them.
• Because we give them a big picture of all our major events and their estimated costs for the school year, it gives families a chance to budget their time and money if they want their student(s) involved in our program. This alone seems to me to worth it's weight in gold as a parent who wants to see my student actively engaged in our ministry and plan our weekends and family life accordingly.
• It gives us a chance to share what volunteer needs we have and communicate ways to serve in alongside of us in both big and small ways.

In case you're a parent of one of our students and missed this meeting or if you're just curious what we pass out... here's a pdf handout you can download with all the details.

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