WHEN RELATIONSHIPS GET FUNKY

It's inevitable that in life, and especially in ministry, things will get funky between you and someone else.  It will happen in your family, your marriage, your work, your team... pretty much your everything.  Where there are relationships, there will be funk. I promise.

So....

Expect it.  Anticipate it.

And please.... for the love of all things holy... go directly to the funk and get through it.

Don't go around your boss.  Don't go down the chain of command.  Don't go to friends.  Just go to the person you're in a funk with and deal with it.


Matthew 18:15-17 reads as follows: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

So if we just follow the textual prompts with this teaching of Jesus, then we will follow a very specific order of events when we confront people when there's a funk or sin or whatever it gets labeled:

1. Go directly to the one you have a conflict with, and try to work it out personally
2. Bring in two or three people who you respect and who are in godly leadership roles to help mediate
3. Bring it to a larger group of Christ-followers to work it out.  Maybe the elder board or something. 
4. Then the ugly gets dealt with kinda ugly and people get removed all together to eradicate the funk. 

While I pray that you never have to get to step 3 or 4, my experience is that we would avoid about 90% of all of it if we just always started with step 1.

Don’t go to the person’s friends to get clarification first. Don’t text your small group or ask 12 people for advice.  If you're in youth ministry, don't ask another teen what they think.   Just go directly to that person and ask a good question.

Look for clarity.  Strive to understand. Apologize if necessary.  Undo misunderstandings.  Assume the best.  You know... just be sane and stop the gossip train.

If you do that, you might actually be on the road toward God-honoring restoration, too.  You definitely will be on an less traveled road to a God-honoring response for sure.  And the peace you'll have that you acted according to the voice of the Holy Spirit will be from God.

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PRAYER CARDS & HIGH SCHOOL MINISTRY

Just yesterday I asked students to turn in written prayer requests as a way to start off 2013 right.  I invited them to write down an invitation to ask God to move in their life in a specific area.  Some students did nothing with them, but some dove in.  Some dove in deep.

How deep?  Well one girl, at the end of service, on her very first time in our youth group, walked up to me and handed me a prayer card.  As she started to walk away I read it and realized that it said her mom had died just 5 days earlier.  It doesn't get any deeper than that.  The truth is, she wouldn't say it to me, but she would write it down.  I called her back.  We hugged and cried. We prayed.

As she walked away and as I had this card in my hand, I realized I was holding a deep spiritual need that I would have never known about had we not had these cards.  She sat at a table of girls and talked and smiled and said nothing about it.

As a youth worker, I can't afford to not know that kind of stuff.  We can't afford to not know this.  Too much is at stake. If you work with high school students, let me encourage you with just one thing: find a way to gather the prayer requests of your students.

For this purpose, I want to strongly encourage you to: USE PRAYER CARDS.

Why?  Well, if the story above isn't reason enough, then here's my top 3 reasons:

1.  STUDENTS WILL WRITE STUFF THEY CAN'T OR WON'T SAY OUT LOUD:

Plain and simple, call it the consequence of a texting generation or simply chalk it up to fear... but the truth is, when I hand a group of students a prayer card and ask them to write down what is weighing them down spiritually, often I find that someone has written a need they have not uttered to me or anyone else in the room.  

I was reminded this last Sunday that every weekend I need to remind students that we have cards they can write stuff on and leaders who want to love on them in the midst of their unfolding life story.

2.  WE CAN'T BE WITH STUDENTS ALL THE TIME:

I know you want to be a resource in the lives of your students.  But you and I cannot do that 24/7 and God can.  The best chance I have of coming alongside a student as a spiritual influence in their life is actually not to be with them more, but rather to constantly remember them in prayer.  Apart from it being spiritually powerful, on a brutally practical level, it also helps me in the times I am with them too.  I do a better job of remembering names, have a greater sense of spiritual connection, and have more meaningful things to talk about when I've prayed for them all week.

To this end, prayer requests that are written down are a goldmine for my spiritual investment in a student as I ask God to do what only God can do in their lives.

3.  THEY SET YOUR YOUTH MINISTRY APART:

Maybe they can hear music in youth group and at home.  Maybe they can connect with friends at school and in your church.  Maybe they can go to the snow on a trip with your ministry and with their family.  Sure, maybe the activities and opportunities of church and life collide in a lot of different ways.

But when you offer a student a chance to communicate a spiritual need in their life every time they come to your ministry, you set yourself apart as a place where students know they can go to cry out to God in-and-among a faith community in ways that are both profound and distinct.  And that... that is a one of kind thing that the church is supposed to be.

Sure... use a youtube video and play relevant music and write Bible Studies that relate to their lives.... but don't miss the opportunity to do the one thing they don't do anywhere else:  write down a prayer need so you and I can join them in the incomparable privilege of taking a life to God in prayer.


So... I hope you join me in this prayer card priority in 2013 if you don't already do it or even if for you, but like me, it sometimes gets casually addressed instead of intentionally called out.  Let's change that this year.

I suppose that could look like 1000 different things, but here's the one we use in our ministry if you want to download it for a sample.

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CRITICISM BITES: THE MYTH OF SUCCESS

• The outreach didn’t work. You’re a failure.
• The meeting bombed. You’re a loser.
• That talk you gave was flat. You should quit teaching.
• Your team lost because you called the wrong play. It’s all your fault.

For a second, let’s assume that all the first statements of those sentence pairs are absolutely true.

• Your outreach didn’t reach anyone. 
• Your volunteer meeting was not good. 
• Your talk left plenty of room for improvement in your teaching technique. 
• You did call the wrong play, and it did cost your team the game. 

Even if that’s all true, one reason we can’t stand to hear any of that is because there’s a period after the sentence. We said it. The result was not good. Period. This kind of thinking naturally results in the second set of statements. We feel demoralized, we label ourselves failures, and we ponder quitting. This is because in our culture we celebrate success as a win, but the process gets no glory, and setbacks are deemed failures.

I once dropped a $5,000 projector from a ceiling onto a concrete floor when getting it down to take to summer camp. Let’s just say that projector had a lot in common with Humpty Dumpty.

Speaking of summer camp, I left a teenager there once. Oh, he got on the bus. But then he got off the bus to go to the bathroom. We left him three hours from home. It was long before the days of cell phones where he would have called a friend to alert us. So I just drove the bus home. Never knew he wasn’t on it until we got back and then had to send his parents 30 minutes away to get him from the people at the other church from our camp who had found him and brought him home for us. Awesome.

In the past 19 years of full time youth ministry, I’ve amassed plenty more failure stories than those two and discovered that if we want to have any kind of longevity in ministry, we can’t limit the word success to only those things we think went well. Success is not only about an event that goes right. Sure, that’s a form of success—but not if that means you’re done or that if it didn’t go well, you’re a failure. It’s about a much bigger and much larger goal.

This is because my ultimate goal is not to plan great talks and perfect retreats, even though they’re helpful. I want success, but if the ultimate goal I have is a God-sized goal where students follow Jesus for a lifetime, then it’s not going to happen in one event or meeting.  To that end, as I pursue that goal... I should expect some failures, setbacks, and even legitimate criticism along the way. But if you put a “period” after every experience, this will kill you. We need to accept the fact that a failed talk, a bad decision, or an event we deem a flop does not mean we’re a failure. It means we have some things to learn and now we can be wiser for it.

What we need to all remember as parents, leaders, teachers, pastors, coaches, and coworkers is this:  success is not a goal we worship; it is a process we embrace. 

So as we look to that process to bring us to our goal, our critics will come and go-- even in the mirror—and because it’s not all on the line all the time, it won’t be the end of us.
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[this was a little teaser taken from my upcoming book: "Criticism Bites" available in March 2013.  If you found this post encouraging, you might find the book helpful too.  Keep checking back.  I'll post some links when you can download or grab the print copy.]

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SO YOUR TEEN HAS A CELL PHONE

Nope, that's not really news. But evidently it has become news because a mom recently posted an 18 point contract that she gave her 13 year-old son when he got an iphone for Christmas.

Here it is, assuming the website is back up.  I assume it's gotten a lot of hits and crashed as near as I can figure.

But for what it's worth, I agree with some of her statements and not all of her methodologies, but to each their own.  Here's my thoughts on your teen and cell phones based on my own experience and our own family standards.

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH.  If you don't want your teen texting on their cell as they drive one day, don't do it either.  If you expect them to ignore their cell phone at the dinner table, then ignore yours.  If you don't want them texting all through a church service, then don't do it either.  If you don't want them glued to it like a game console, then don't use yours to hide from the world either.  I'm not telling you I've mastered this, I'm just saying that if I don't want my kid to do it, I shouldn't either.  Much more is caught than taught with a generation that grew up around cell phones.  Model what you expect.

EAR BUDS ARE NOT A LIFE ACCESSORY.  Hoodies, helmets, even sunglasses now can be bought with earbuds in them. In our family, ear buds or head phones on phones, computers, and iPods are used on long car rides, when listening to music on your own, or when the circumstance makes it appropriate.   They are not a life accessory.

CELL PHONES AND CHARGERS ARE LEFT IN THE KITCHEN AT NIGHT.  We buy our kids alarm clocks to use for wake up calls.  Cell phones are not ways for your friends to get ahold of you 24-7.  So each night they go on the kitchen counter and can be recharged overnight there.

PHONES ARE GIVEN ON AN AS NEEDED BASIS:  We give phones when it becomes needed. So far, for us it's been sometime in middle school.

I PAY FOR CELL, YOU PAY FOR DATA PACKAGES OR APPS.  Neither of my two teens who have a cell phone have a data packages or apps on their phone because quite simply, it costs too much.  I pay a monthly fee for their phone and they share a family unlimited texting package we have.   Until they can pay for the internet and such, their phones are for contacting and texting only and can't receive a multi-media message of any kind yet.

TYPE IT OR SAY IT, IT'S ALL THE SAME.  As a youth pastor, I no longer can simply talk to students about James 3 and the power of the tongue.  Now I have to talk to them about the power of their thumbs.  Truthfully, some type or text more than they verbally say to their friends... especially outside of school.  But those words are no less powerful or dangerous than the ones they speak with their tongue.  Consequently, teaching about the dangers of reading texts without vocal tones, misreading language when no body language is present, and hiding behind a screen to say that which you would never say face-to-face are a few of the things I have to teen my own teens as well as the ones I minister with at church.

PRIVACY IS A PRIVILEGE.  I don't search my kids phones as a habit, but if I have a concern, I won't hesitate.  My kids know that the phone is a privilege that can be taken away if abused or misused, not an irrevocable right.  Open conversations and trust are critical as teens get older and privileges increase.

BUY THE INSURANCE.  While I don't tell my kids to avoid them being careless, I do buy the phone insurance on teen phones because I expect accidents to happen.  When they do, most plans will replace the cell for a long list of ills.  (Best Buy has one that is crazy)  If they lose the cell, which has happened in our family, my kids are responsible for the replacement cost.

Oh... and no, we have not given them a contract or formal letter yet. :)

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BLOGGING FOR 2013

Well coaching soccer, seminary, work, house fiascos, family stuff, and writing my second book have all caused blogging to take a back for most of the fall and the last 2 months completely.

I wanted to launch a new website/blog design for 2013, but time has me slammed still and my creative energies are tied up elsewhere... so that's still to come.   But I do miss blogging and I'm going to make an attempt to pick it up 3x a week.

My goal is to write 3 nights a week and post Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings.  Some stuff on life in youth ministry, some stuff on family, and some stuff on my latest book I think will be the subjects I'll chase after this winter.

So if you still have this blog feed in your reader or you happen to drop in here from time-to-time still and my last 60 day hiatus didn't scare you away, then we'll see you in 2013 as I share what overflows out of my heart and mind and soul with those who care to read and interact with it.

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WHY DO GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE

I was in seminary class tonight and our prof invited us to a lecture from a guy who wrote a book on the more popular question: "why do bad things happen to good people?"  Almost everyone has asked the question themselves many times over- if not vocally, then unconsciously many times over.  Most are sick of trite answers to it and the truth is, many have left faith in God all together due to their inability to find peace with this unanswered question in their lives.  I mean really, "If God is good, then what is the deal with this pain?"

No way in a blog post could we even come close to an answer in any conclusive manner, so let me just stir the pot some to get us chasing for it....

First, it's worth noting that the classic "why do bad things happen to good people?" is an ancient question in which many Biblical Scholars believe the first book of the Bible to be written was not Genesis, but rather Job.  Which, in case you are unfamiliar, is a book almost exclusively dedicated to the wrestling match of why bad things are happening to a man named Job and his family.

Then tonight I listened to Brian Williams host a show on the devastation that Hurricane Sandy brought to homes and the lives of those in New Jersey, Staten Island and beyond.  No doubt the question is racing through some without the basic needs of food/water/shelter and literally cold and in the dark tonight.  We'd be fools to ignore the reality of the questions: "Why me?"  "What did I do to deserve this?"

In that same broadcast, I listened to a woman cry tears of sadness over the loss of everything she and her 65 year old husband worked for all their lives.  He just retired.  The house was paid off.  Now the house is gone and so is everything they ever owned or acquired.  I heard the man who owned the Jersey Shore's roller coaster that is no more explain how his whole life was completely transformed in one 8-hour storm.

I had a conversation yesterday where I was telling someone the woes of my #cursedkitchen and the car engine that is leaking oil and yatta yatta when they said, "Well, at least you're standing."  True, I could be a lot worse.  I could have a fire or earthquake or whatever destroy it all. I could be diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I'm sure we could all dream up horrible scenarios that would cause me to ask on a much deeper level, "Why me?"

I was studying Hebrew for class 3 days ago in Starbucks and had to leave because I was too distracted to study. At the table next to me was a translator, a woman from the "make a wish foundation", and a Hispanic man whose whose young daughter is terminally ill and wants to go to Disneyland before she dies.  They were working out the details and I was heart-broken for the man.  I wished I could fix it.

So in the constant ebb and flow of life we all find ourselves echoing the primal cry that unites us with a book about a man named Job who lived somewhere in the pre-Mosaic neighborhood of 4000 years ago.   "Why does all this stuff happen?"

But what about the reverse?   Have you ever wrestled with the other side of this coin?

Why do good things happen to bad people?

Have you ever sat with a young couple who cannot have kids in one afternoon and then tried to counsel a teen who got "accidentally" pregnant and wants to abort her baby the next day?  If you do, you'll not only ask "Why can't this great couple have a kid?"  But you'll also ask, "Why did God bless the teen with a baby in the first place?"  It is equally hard to find rest in that question too.  

Why did so-and-so win the lottery?  Why did that guy get the job?  Why is she so angry and yet she has all the stuff I wanted to have?   Why did Sandy not destroy some mean people's homes?  Surely some great people lost it all.  But equally as sure there were some jerks who care about no one but themselves and are standing in a dry house.

So for what it's worth, let me ask this, "When was the last time you wrestled with the question of the blessing of God?  When was the last time you had an honest discussion with a friend, family member, or teen about the complicated and unpredictable world of blessing and destruction?"

It's worth your time.  In seeking the answer and honestly wrestling with faith, that's where you'll find the real fruit of spiritual truth and the kind of community that truly can and does weather the storms of life together.

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