the overflow

SO YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER...

2012-01-29T21:57:00.000-08:00

A student comes to you and asks you a question that you don't know the answer to. Maybe about life, about the Bible, about a current event, about pop culture. About anything.

Or maybe a parent comes to you and asks you a question you don't know the answer to. Not like why did you this or that. Like, what should I do when my kid does xyz or what happened at an event you were not at?

So, what do you say?

Option 1- FAKE IT: lots of people do this. They just make up something that is vague and kinda right, trying to sound confident and reassuring. Crisis averted.
Option 2- CLAIM IGNORANCE: come out and say, I don't know. Then apologize or tell them it's not your department and send them to someone or somewhere else to get the answer.

Retail environments do both of these all the time.

FAKE IT: "Do you know where I can find such and such an item?" "We might carry it. If we do, it'll be on isle ______."
CLAIM IGNORANCE: "Nope, sorry, I have no idea. Go ask so and so and try this store _________"

But then this morning, a volunteer who is my son's small group leader for our middle school came into our high school room to look around. It was between services and I know he is finishing up a graduate degree and works at the Apple Store in our community and I asked how he liked it. He said, "I"m enjoying it. Best retail experience I've ever had, but I have to get a different job cuz it's definitely not paying the bills." I asked if they worked on commission and he said they did not. I asked about training before he got the job and he said it was 6 weeks before he was allowed to speak to a customer. Then I asked him this:

"What do they teach you to say when you don't know the answer to a question?"

He quickly said, "I don't know, lets go find out together."

Well there you have it. A much better option.

Option 3- BE HONEST AND ENGAGING: Don't make stuff up, but don't pass the buck. Respect their question, affirm their inquiry, confess your ignorance, and then join them in finding a solution. This does so much for you and the person asking the question. It allows you to be truthful. It shows you care. In the end, you find out the answer and are wiser because of it too.

So, the next time...

A SMALL GROUP QUESTION STUMPS YOU: "That's a really good question. I'm not sure what the answer is. I tell you what, why don't I do some research this week and you try too and we'll compare what we find out next week."
PARENT ASKS YOU ABOUT AN EVENT ON YOUR WEEKEND YOU'RE UNAWARE OF THE EXACT DETAILS ON. "That's a really good question. I don't know, let's walk over to so and so and find out the answer together."
YOUR CHILD ASKS YOU A QUESTION ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SCHOOL. Don't just answer their question or send them away to find out the answer in disgust. Instead, join them and teach them how to find the answer for themselves as you discover it together.
A QUESTION ABOUT A BIBLE VERSE YOU DON'T RECALL: That's a really good question, then show them how you found the answer in a concordance or by search engine or whatever.

4 QUESTIONS TO PONDER

2012-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and I the host of the morning show I was listening to was doing a bit about some survey that asked which of the following four things would you rather be:

THINNER
RICHER
SMARTER
YOUNGER

The whole thing kind of intrigued me and messed with me a bit all day. Most of the people tried to say that smarter was the thing they'd want because they could use it to get richer and thinner. Some said they wanted to get rich so they could buy a trainer and a tutor to help them get smarter and thinner. No one seemed to want to be younger unless you could be smarter, thinner, and richer too, so they mostly ignored this option as too much genie-in-a-bottleish.

But no one really wanted any of them for their own intrinsic value. They wanted one so it would gain them as much as the others as possible. Like these 4 things are not separable, they are 4 wheels of the same car and required to roll in our postmodern culture.

HMMM: This would be a great intro or conversation starter in youth ministry.

NOPE AND YEP: I don't want to be younger (but I do turn 40 in a few months) and I'm honestly working on the other three. Thinner cuz being overweight sucks the life and energy from my body. Richer, cuz my family is not cheap and my future expenses are going up, not down from what I can see. Smarter... well cuz I'm dumb and need all the help I can get. A magic name memory additive to my brain would be priceless. I'm trying desperately to be a learner.

WANTING VS WILLING: I think most people want stuff they are unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to actually get. Like people will wish themselves thinner or richer or smarter, but then do nothing to change eating, exercise, spending, or study habits. Mostly we just wish things were different and then that's as far as it goes. Wishing and willing are not the same thing. If you wish your marriage was better, the question is then, "what am I willing to do to see that happen?"

IF WE WERE TO ASK: this in a ministry setting or in a circle of full-time pastors, we could easily craft a similar 4 set of desires. I think pastors would try and lobby for the one that they thought would give them the other 3, cuz all are like 4 tires on a car and part of many healthy ministries. But anyway, I think it would be this question: Would your rather your church had...

MORE PEOPLE
MORE MONEY
MORE BUILDINGS AND RESOURCES
MORE STAFF

hmmmmm.....

PARENTING TODDLERS INTO TEENS YOU'LL LOVE (5 of 5)

2012-01-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

LET THEM EMBRACE GOD'S UNIQUE DESIGN (love based), NOT LIVE MY DREAMS (self based)

1 Corinthians 12:4-6 reads: "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work."

We all know the parents who seem to have their kids doing everything they did or even wished they could do. In an effort to lead their kids into a great experience, they have accidentally led them into a version of themselves a parent, not into who God has fully called their kids to be. For sure, my family camps because I do. Sure, my kids play soccer because I do. We all clearly influence and shape our own kids.

But they also have their own unique personality and passions too. Parenting my 5 kids means that I must constantly consider how God has uniquely wired and gifted each one so that I love them for who God has made them to be, not who I wish I was or they were.

In parenting toddlers, this might mean:

Fuel and fan anything they love that is good. If your kid loves to draw, then feed that. If they love to run, then get places where they can run. If they love to sing, then by all means, give them some place to excel at that gifting.
Look hard in the mirror before correcting your child's passions. Make sure the issue is with your kid, and not truly with you instead.
Try all kinds of stuff with them. Try dance and art and reading and sports and music. Try little bits of all kinds of stuff to try and help discover how and who God has wired your kid to be.
Let them have some choices. For example, instead of just picking out their outfit for the next day, either help them make a choice or give them a few sets of clothes to choose from. Maybe ask them to pick between 3 meal options for friday night. When you go out, let them choose from several options to order off the kids meal.
Be your kids biggest fan. Go ahead. It's ok. Love your kid and who they are and celebrate how God has wired them. Help curb their rough spots for sure, but be sure to celebrate with them in what makes them super happy too.

_______________________________________________

Well, I hope you liked this series of posts. I hope it was moderately helpful to you in your role as a parent. I know even writing them out again reminded me of some values I'm trying to continue to instill in my kids, long after the toddler age has come and gone.

PARENTING TODDLERS INTO TEENS YOU'LL LOVE (4 of 5)

2012-01-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

HELP THEM OWN THEIR FAITH (Jesus based), NOT JUST OBEY YOUR FAITH (rules based)

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 reads: "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (NIV)

As parents, one of our values should continually be to get our kids to behave a certain way when we are not forcing them to do so. Our goal is that they would make wise decisions when we're nowhere around. Anybody can drive safe with a cop in the rearview mirror. It's on the open road that is the concern. Yes, I know your kid's an angel at their friends house and a pain in the rear at yours. I get it. I just mean that ownership, not compliance is our goal. If it isn't, I guarantee that compliance or fear won't work as a dating motivator. What will make a difference however is shared values. This is back to answering the why, not just the what question.

For parenting toddlers, this might mean:

Use God in everyday language. Don't just relegate spiritual discussions to post sunday school or on church days. Infiltrate your home with conversation that invites your kids to invite God into every space.
Pray often and get caught by your kids. Teach them how to pray and model for them the value of it. Pray with them for friends, their own concerns, and for thanks too. Make it a habit to constantly thank and ask God to move with your kids in prayer.
Don't just tell kids we don't say "such and such" a word. Help them understand how those words hurt others or why those words are not good. Remind them of your goals as a family to honor God an help them to see what things do and don't do that.
If you're experiencing behavior issues, you could consider helping them to create a list of what they can and can't do. For example: Maybe the rule list with your 4 year old looks like: put my clothes in dirty clothes hamper, brush my teeth when I'm asked, say nice words, and share my toys with others. You can even come to conclusion together on the consequences or the rewards... like an ice cream or a few minutes to play a video game they love or watch a movie or have friend over for a sleep over. If the reward is clear and motivating, sometimes just not getting that thing is enough of a consequence to get your point across. You just need to think about what motivates your kids, cuz every child is different and has different motivators. As they get older, rules clearly change, but their input into them will be the family norm and they'll own the values instead of just adhere to them. Then you can post the list on the fridge or more privately inside a bedroom door so that you can refer back to it with them. If our kids begin early on to have a say into agreed upon behaviors and what happens if you do or don't follow through, they begin the process of ownership instead of compliance that is mission critical in the long haul.
Don't shut down faith questions or even doubts. Invite your kids to explore the infinite mystery of God and wrestle with them in their sincere questions.

PARENTING TODDLERS INTO TEENS YOU'LL LOVE (3 of 5)

2012-01-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

EXPECT THEM TO BE MATURING (experience based), NOT TO BE MATURE (evaluation based)

Ephesians 4:12-13 reads, "Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ until we come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature and full grown in the Lord, measuring up to the full stature of Christ. " (NLT)

Our goal as parents is future tense. We are working towards maturity which is a continuum. As a pastor to teens, my primary problem is not with a teen who is acting 16, it's with a parent who is. If we all learned to act our age, we'd be better off across the board in my opinion.

This means you should expect your 4 year old to spill stuff, tryout new words she heard someone else say, pitch a fit now and again, and cry when hurt in ways you no longer cry about as an adult.

For parenting toddlers, this means:

Give them age and capability related responsibilities. If they can't carry a whole grocery bag in after groceries are bought, give them something from the bag they can carry. Help them to be as mature as they are able. Maybe they're not ready to do their own laundry, but maybe they can put away their own laundry once it's folded.
When our kids were younger, one of our pumpkin patch rules was that you could only have one as big as you could carry all the way to the car. No cart. No help. Seems silly, but it reminded our kids that they are responsible for what they are able to do in a subtle way. We've often used the pumpkin patch as a teaching illustration for them when they ask to do that which is inappropriate for them, either too small or too big.
Give them the freedom to fail. We all make mistakes. We desperately need houses of grace that help us to learn from and move on after falling short. Our kids will jack up life. When they do, be quick to use them as teachable moments that move them towards maturity.... even if it constantly feels like 5 steps forward and 3 steps back.
As age increases, consider and evaluate each kid individually as parents and work towards healthy behavior and responsibility expectations for their current age. Remember, the goal is to work yourself out of a job. We are trying to set patterns that are moving your child closer to a full-fledged self-motivated and capable adult who is able to care for their own needs.

PARENTING TODDLERS INTO TEENS YOU'LL LOVE (2 of 5)

2012-01-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

TEACH THEM HOW TO THINK (process based) NOT JUST WHAT TO THINK (product based)

Romans 12:2 says, "Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is." (NLT)

One of our jobs as a parent is to do just that. Not merely copy the behaviors and parenting patterns of those (even good intentioned) people around us, but to rethink some stuff. I think we need to rethink how it is that we are teaching our kids to make good choices. If we don't want to raise teens who follow every idea or thought their friends or this world musters up and calls cool, then it’s imperative to introduce this at pre-school.

The key word here is "why". This is not an issue of "what" we let our kids do or "how" it is that they will do it. It's largely about helping our kids to answer the "why would I do this or that?" question on their own in a manner that reflects solid reasoning and good choices.

As little ones, this means:

Don't just provide healthy snacks, help them understand why one food is better for them than another. "My mom doesn't let me eat that" is not going to last as a de-motivator for the long haul. When our kids understand that they want to have a strong body and that certain foods won't help them do that, it's a better parenting process that leads to the same behavior we could have simply forced anyway.
Limit the "because I said so" to a last resort parenting card you play. Even if I must use that phrase to gain obedience today, I must also explain how I came to that conclusion at some point with them in ways they might understand. A 5 year old that knows not to cross the street without looking is great. A 5 year old who knows why you don't cross the street without looking is better.
Helping our kids decide why a tv show, music choice, or movie might not be the best option for them instead of just ruling it out.
Allowing our kids to be themselves. Don't demand that they do everything your way, just demand that their way needs to have solid reasoning. So if you want socks folded and they want them tossed in a drawer, let them argue why their way works before forcing your way upon them. Help them learn the process and articulate solid reasoning in decision making. This will be critical when the issues is not how do I organize my socks, but instead who will I date or how do I want to decide what to do on Friday night. The ability to reason out a solid decision is a mission critical life skill we must all work towards developing in our kids.

PARENTING TODDLERS INTO TEENS YOU'LL LOVE (1 of 5)

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

In honor of our JCC Parenting Summit at the end of this month, I'll be posting a 5 part series on this blog this week.

My experience as a youth pastor is that most parents of young kids I meet are scared of the teenage years ahead. Some common fears are:

Sexuality will be navigated horribly
They will leave all I have taught them behind when doubt begins to take root.
They’ll grow up to rebel against me.
They will make a mistake that can’t be undone like pregnancy, car accident, etc.

But what most parents don't often understand, is that the patterns they are setting in parenting at a young age are the very thing that shape the teen they'll have one day. Literally much of who they will be is being shaped in the patterns we set in pre-school.

To this end, my wife and I wrote a seminar for MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) a few years back, shortly after we finished up that stage of our own parenting. In it, we shared 5 basic parenting patterns that we tried to start when our kids are young to produce the young adults we want in the future. It's kinda like planting a bulb.

We're not working for what we hope to see today so much as for the flowers we want to see in the Spring. It's the hope that the seeds we're planting now will produce a rich harvest in the future.

SO HERE WE GO:
_____________________________________________________________________

PROTECT YOUR KIDS (care based), DON'T SHELTER THEM (fear based)

Jesus prayed this in John 17:15 of his disciples: "My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one." (NIV)

That's a great parenting mindset in my opinion. Sure, protect your kids from things like cars in streets and bad movies and people who could harm them. Absolutely. Just don't move subtly from caring for your kids to a fear based role of a bunker parent where you remove them from the "big bad world" out there all together. A bunker parent tries to protect their kids from the evil one not by equipping them to protect themselves, but by building big huge "Christian walls" around their homes. This surely keeps kids safe for a season, it just doesn't train them to live in the real world for the long haul. Failure to help our kids guard their own lives from evil down the road means we're raising teens who will spend a lot of energy wondering how to get outside of the big parent barriers and parents who spend all their time reinforcing the rules. It's the wrong focus for both.

When parenting little ones, this means:

We work towards teaching them how to cross the street, not just putting up a bigger fence.
Inviting neighborhood kids to play in your home under your family values instead of just telling your kids they can't play with so-and-so because they don't make good choices. We then parent those kids like we do our own and lead up, teaching our kids how to make good choices when poor ones are available to them too.
Talking about their "why can't we" questions in ways that don't end with "because I make the rules" but instead because "that's not the kind of people our family wants to be. It's not the kind of people who make God's heart happy."
Listen to music in the car that you want them to be listening to later in life.
Letting them take healthy play risks. Climb the tree, ride the bike off the jump, swim in the deep end. Sure, these come with time, but don't shelter your kids from risk. Work with them to let them enjoy healthy risk. Teaching them how to make that choice will reap huge dividends when the risks get bigger and the consequences much more out of our control later in life.

JCC PARENTING SUMMIT 2012

2012-01-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

We're doing a our annual PARENTING SUMMIT again on January 28th this year at Journey. While the basic principles of investing in parents and tying what we do as parents to what we do in our kids and student ministries are a huge focus, this year we're also coupling it with 14+ seminars and breakouts that parents can choose to attend during 2 separate break out session time blocks.

I'll be teaching a seminar covering the subject of the book I just finished writing "As for Me and My Crazy House" which comes out in March. That seminar deals with 3 focus points as a parent which I'm excited to flush out briefly with parents who attend. We'll cover:

taking care of your own heart.
tending to your marriage
caring for your family.

In addition to that seminar, there will also be seminars by many of our pastoral staff and several from our church and school community sharing insights on this list and more:

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk
Telling your kids about Jesus
Setting boundaries through discipline, communication, and responsibility.
Attachment and kids
Parenting your special needs child
Protecting your home from online porn and predators.
A Parents Guide to Social Media
Raising boys into men who love Jesus
Adoption 101
Parenting adults: when the empty nest ain’t so empty
Keys to understanding their Unique Personality Styles
Parenting a kid that is not your own
Raising Toddlers into Teens you love

I'll keep updating the website and more details to come in the next 2 weeks.

But if you're in the area and passionate about parenting, please don't miss this great training day. At only $8 per parent or $12 per couple, it's a GREAT day of training for a minor investment of 1/2 a Saturday. I really believe it will be so worth your time. Just head to the website and register and you're good to go.

KNOWING WHAT WE DON'T KNOW

2012-01-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

I started my weekly afternoons with Jake yesterday. On Mondays after school I'm picking him up and taking him to grab an ice cream or something. In order to earn his treat, he only has to ask me two questions.

I told him this on his way to school on Monday. He was very excited about this and when I picked him up, the first thing he said to me is, "Hey Dad, I got my two questions." We then went to the bank to open his first bank account with $63 he had saved from gifts and such and then to starbucks to talk about life.

I asked him what questions he had and he very excitedly asked me these two things.

How do you think your heart and soul get to heaven?
What do you think heaven is like?

Now I thought these were fairly deep for a 9 year old boy. I even told him that it was ok if he just wanted to know my favorite color or what I loved about our family. But he wanted these two questions answered. We talked about it a little and about what the Bible says. But I had to confess to him that I was both confident and guessing at the answers. I told him I was confident that the Bible, when it speaks of one's heart, is not actually talking about the physical organ in his chest. I also told him that while I would not be upset if heaven has golden streets, but that I wasn't holding out for it because the book of the Bible that describes heaven with streets like that also describes Jesus returning with a sword coming out of his mouth, and that just seems weird to me. So I try not take any of the details too literally.

But anyway, he was interested and so we scratched at answering his Big Boy questions with as little presumption as I could. Then on the way home, he saw a car with this sticker on the back for the second time in 2 days with me. They are huge and evidently there's some cool trend saying you should place one of each of them on either side of your car or trucks rear window.

Jake saw these "skin branded" angel and demon women and he vocalized that he thought that one was an angel and one was a devil. I was hoping he noticed neither, but he is a 9 year old boy and they are like 18" high in front of us. Not much chance for missing it I suppose. Now, without going into a whole theology for a 9 year-old, I told him that I didn't think either image was Godly or all that angelic. I wasn't sure that either of them were made to encourage Jake or I to seek God or to do God's work.

I told him that we don't know a ton about angels from the Bible, but I do know some things and I'm pretty sure they don't wear heals. I also told him that from time to time he'd see pictures of female angels and even of babies as angels with wings, but in the Bible, they are always male and a couple of places they have 6 wings. (2 to cover their face, on their body to fly, and two to cover their feet. -Isaiah 6:2)

Anyway, all of this reminded me of several truths:

the best convos I have with my kids are one-on-one. This time is priceless.
the supernatural is mysterious. I need to be careful not to make concrete that which is only partially known. My kids are curious. I can be curious with them and enjoy the mystery too.
teaching my kids how to interact with theology -in images, commercials, conversations, print, etc.- is part of my job as a parent. Failure to do so doesn't mean they won't be confronted with it. It just means they won't have any capacity to evaluate it for good or bad.
I need to keep a can of spray paint in my car to help the rearview windows of those who clearly don't have small children staring at them asking, "Daddy, how come that angel girl is naked like that?"

THE VALUE OF A WHOLE TEAM CONNECTIONS

2012-01-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

I have been working as the Generation Pastor at Journey in addition to my job as High School Pastor for about a year now and it has produced some opportunities to bring continuity to our whole team in ways I never saw coming. Today we kicked off 2012 with a lunch to thank our volunteers who work with everything from infants through twenty-somethings. There were well over 100 people there and that was less than half our team who could come, but dang... what a great celebration and reminder of how wide spread our influence really is.

At one point we celebrated those who have worked in any of those age brackets as a volunteer for any length of time. In the end we discovered that we have one volunteer who has worked over 19 years in our ministry. In the process I realized that his 20 year old son who still serves in our adult service worship band and now part-time on our facilities staff is a case text for someone who was literally shaped in part by ever single volunteer team represented in the room. His son was involved in everything from nursery at 9 months to our college-age ministry today. WOW! What a picture of shared influence and baton passing and true community in process. Cool to realize as we prayed over one another here below.

Several times in our lunch I got a little overwhelmed with God's goodness and how thankful I am for a team to work with. To this end, there are 3 main things that we're doing as a whole generations team to connect that have all proved super worth it.

GENERATION VOLUNTEER APPRECIATION/TRAINING MEETINGS: So far they've been twice a year. Once in January to kick off a new season after the holidays and once in August to restart the fall after our summer slows down. We meet after church on Sunday for 90 minutes. We provide lunch, encouragement, laughter, celebration, information, and training in small bits during this packed program. They each have proved to be so worth our effort and a great reminder that our "own area" is not the only place people are serving at JCC.

GENERATION PAID STAFF TEAM MEETINGS: I meet with our kids ministry team on Wednesday and our student ministry team on Tuesday each week and about 4x a year I meet with all of them together. In our weekly meetings we sometimes gather over java, talk about the week ahead and the weekend before, and talk about anything down the road that we need to be collaborating on. In our all-team meetings, we share about our lives, enjoy a meal, and spend several hours mapping out values, events, long term plans, and vision.

GENERATION FAMILY EVENTS: These are geared largely towards our high school and below, but we've been doing some family events that are super kid friendly. So far we've landed on this schedule:

Mid November: Generous Family Night celebration where families come to worship, enjoy a teaching or skit, and then serve a family in need together through various hands on experience stations.
Weekend after Easter: Family Fun Day. We sell lunch, provide jumpy houses and carnival rides, do a fund raiser by selling donated goods and services in a silent auction. The funds raised go to offset the cost of camps and retreats and provide a great after service event for families at our church too.
Spring: Help Us Help You community service day where families can pay to have our students come and do yard work at homes. We've also done garage sales and car washes in tandem with this day, but this year I think we're doing yard work only. We take teams of 6 students and 2 adults. They do two shifts of two hours each and are paid $150 or higher for their time. Families get some Spring cleaning done and we raise funds again to offset cost of camps for students.
Mid to late July: Summer Fun Camp. This is a "vbs" replacement of sorts. We do a 1/2 day camp from 9 to 2 for a week where kinder-5th grade kids are connected with high school counselors and enjoy a fun and encouraging program with day trips to various afternoon locations around our community. Fun way for many of our generations team to work together for a common goal.

So blessed to be on this team. Praying that all of this truly goes to shaping Generation who understands, owns, and lives out a life changing faith in Jesus.

NEW YEAR = NEW GOALS BIBLE STUDY

2012-01-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

Maybe you love goal setting. Maybe you despise it. Regardless of how they make us feel, my experience says, not much happens without a goal. Not many people end up with a job they did not work hard for; or a degree they did aim for; or a great marriage they did not focus specific energy on. The age old adage is true. "If you aim for nothing, don't be surprised when you get nothing."

Sadly, as a youth pastor, I think most teens today have a reputation for not doing much with their lives. I personally don't want anything to do with raising up a generation of apathetic young adults or perpetuate the myth that teens cannot do GREAT things with their lives TODAY! We could surely do a whole series of blog posts on motivation and helping teens find one worth living for. But for today, let's just agree that a chief indicator of healthy and purposeful living among anyone- teens included- is clear goals. Goal setting, when done right, is a great destroyer of pointless living.

So on Wednesday morning as I ran on our treadmill to try and keep my focus clear on my goals of physical fitness that I've set for myself, I heard this story on the Today show about Jordan Romero- a 15 year old young man who on Christmas Eve 2011 became the youngest to ever climbed the 7 highest peaks on the all 7 continents. As I listened to his story and interview, it was such a clear no-brainer lead-in to a discussion on goals with students that I went searching for it and then showed it in our small groups on Wednesday night.

After students watched Jordan's story, we then read some scripture and dove into these questions in small groups that you can download here and have for free. Go ahead and steal them and use them for your own students.

You can also have the student scripture and goal worksheet I passed out too if you want. You can download that here as well.

Now let's go out and kick apathy in the teeth and fight with Jesus to raise up a generation of passionate people who sincerely love God, fight for justice, and live radically for the Kingdom of God on purpose... setting their sites on some God-honoring clear goals for 2012.

LIVING ETERNALLY TODAY

2012-01-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

I went to a funeral a while back where one of those giving a eulogy said this about the man who had died, "His eternity started today."

I understand it. I just don't believe it.

No, not like I don't believe in eternity. I just no longer believe it starts when you die. There is this idea in the church and the Bible that Jesus came to give us eternal life. This means that when your heart stops pumping blood, your soul can keep on going in the presence of God. This idea is central to the Biblical narrative. However, what is not central is the idea that this begins at death. I think Jesus came to give us LIFE and life to the fullest. NOT only when one dies. But TODAY.

Jesus famously said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I don't think he meant in like 70 years after a long happy life. I think he meant now.

Now that I'm working with Generation ministries at JCC, I spent a lot of time at the Christmas Eve services around the parent check-in area and working in several of the kids ministry rooms as a volunteer. One of my learnings was just how many people truly come to our church once every 4-6 months and still consider this "their church". I know this because when checking kids in, there were quite a few people who had no idea how our "new" check in system worked. The system is 4 months old!

This also happened when we put the new system in. For months afterwards we were still getting first timers to the system who were not first timers to our church.

No, I don't think going to church is the litmus test for what being a Christ follower is all about. But I do think that a lot of people are holding out for Jesus to be their Savior at death and missing the point in life. Most aren't missing church cuz they're engaging Jesus in their days elsewhere passionately and don't need this community of faith. As I work with students and families, my goal is not to help them get ready for death. It's to challenge and join them in a better way of life that alters the hope they have both in this life and the life to come.

Living like Jesus is not about he afterlife. It's about life.

If our message is that the gospel is a post death reality, then it's no wonder people are not interested in following Jesus. It's for dead people. Dallas Willard eloquently said once that, "the gospel is not about getting people to heaven after they die. It's about getting them there before they do." I think he's right.

It's time to bring some heaven to earth in us. Today!

NEW YEAR - NO EXCUSES

2012-01-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I spent the month of January trying to lead into a new me.

I blogged for 5 days a week for 6 months straight.
I started a new reading plan
I started a new exercise plan
I started a new financial plan
I started a new neat freak stage and declared war on flat surfaces- trying to stack nothing on the floor or tables and such.
I started a lot of stuff really...

Truth be told, a lot of it went pretty well until the end of June. Then it went pretty much down hill. I was out of town/country for 6 weeks straight and life went nuts and my plan pretty much went out the window.

I stopped blogging for those 6 weeks and then only picked it up sporadically after that
I stopped the reading plans I was on
I exercised kinda
Let's not talk about finances. It will only make me say stuff I should not say on a blog.
And the flat spaces... well, all the coming and going made them uh... bumpy spaces I guess.
(Reading my summary of this from last year at this time was actually pretty humbling. I know I can start and finish stuff in my job, but when it comes to me, I'm evidently accustomed to fits and starts that don't stick. yuck.)

So, in the process of evaluating life these past few weeks, I've discovered that my January through June is pretty manageable and good for goals and such. Yes I still have a marriage, 5 kids, a full time job, and go to school. But when school is out and the fall hits, I'm slammed. Summer plans for ministry and family go sky high, soccer coaching begins, the fall launch of ministry and small groups hits full throttle, the kids go back in school, and the development of pseudo new rhythms then gets clogged up by the holidays. All of it combines to send my June through December into a bit of a tailspin.

Now it's January and I'm starting over again. But this time I'm tying to head into my year with this awareness and a change pace that I can maintain for 12 months instead of just 6. I'm trying to do some planning that takes into account seasons where I can expect to reap and seasons where I can only plant.

Toward that pace, I'm letting this be a month of intentional evaluation. I'll take some steps to solutions, and some will actually be more like clearing a path to a longterm and future solution.

So I'm asking again:

How am I taking care of my body and soul wisely? What is healthy and unhealthy in my sleep, eat, read, exercise, rest, and work rhythms?
How is my marriage? How can I see it grow and deepen and mature and flourish in 2012? What do I need to do to bring my A game to that?
How is my family and parenting? What are the specific needs of each of my kids and how can I help address them and adjust my schedule and life to care for them?
What in my ministry is broken and what is working? I'm trying to ask it again like it's my first day on the job and asking God to give me fresh eyes. I don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but it's definitely time for some fresh suds at least.
... etc

Anyway, I'm trying to live my life to it's fullest and taking some time to evaluate how to do that well in the time I have ahead. This year I turn 40. I'm trying to charge it and make this new season of life one where I learn from my own successes and failures and make wise decisions.

Thus NO EXCUSES! It's time to kick some stuff in the teeth and at this juncture, I'm finding that January is a good season in the rhythm of my life to make some headway on that.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE A BERRYTRIBE CHRISTMAS...

2011-12-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

.. and all through our pad,
No kid was stirring, so the parents were glad
The stockings were waiting for santa to load
And I praised God were were past toy building mode

The dog was cuddled up all tight in a ball
While visions of rabbits danced in the hall
And mom on facebook, and dad on his blog,
We had nothing to do, but several hours to log

Out on the lawn there was a deer all lit up
As I sat by the window, my kahlua coffee to sup
It's clear that December is full of the good and the bad,
Sometimes we laugh, and sometimes we're sad

Today was a mixture of both types of those things
One of those days where I wish I had wings.
Wings to fly high up in the sky
Ask God to clear up the why

Why do good people suffer? What should I do with the past?
Why do I work so hard for the things that don't last?
I'd ask God this and a long list of more
but honestly, all of it makes my thinker get sore

So on this Eve of that day God came here
I'm reminded how desperately I still need him near
When God is distant, my world goes amuck
My heart needs God's HOPE, or I'm eternally stuck.

Merry Christmas friends.

In the midst of your busy and crazy lives, for those who will laugh and for those who will cry, I'm praying that this year we all experience some God given joy and a peace on earth that can be only found in GOD IS WITH US moments. Oh Emmanuel, we still need you. I surely do.

IN SEARCH OF THE REAL DEAL

2011-12-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of fake stuff. I don't like fake Christmas trees. I don't like fake coffee. Fake trucks- you know the ones that are lifted and go to the mall instead of the woods- lame! Fake sugar is in everything- and it's lame too. Fake flowers. Fake friendship. Fake faith. They all are overrated and way too common.

This past monday we went to go see the shamu show at Sea World with our kids- it's like church. I can't believe how bold they are about Christmas being about Jesus. It's always moving and fun. Anyway, afterwards I had some coupons so I took the family to Chick-fil-A for dinner. My kids sat down with mom and grandma and I started ordering for everyone. I always get kids meals for the little ones because they can turn their toy back in for free ice cream... which is awesome cuz we don't need the trinket and I don't have to buy ice cream! Anyway, I forgot to ask what they wanted to drink so I made a dad decision and got them lemonade across the board.

When I gave Becky her lemonade, she took one sip and was amazed. Her face got all weird and then happy and then she made everyone at our table drink it. Seriously, she passed it around to everyone telling them to take a sip, that this was some serious lemonade. I wasn't sure what the deal was really, but she dug it. Then half way through dinner, she asked if she could have a refill for her lemonade because she said, "I shared mine with everyone Dad. Can I have some mo." I said sure, and she got up to get her refill.

It wasn't until the next day when I was at Rubios when I noticed this sign on the lemonade.

Do you see that? Go ahead and click the image and make it bigger. MINUTE MADE LEMONADE CONTAINS 0% JUICE. ZERO.. Yes, zero percentage of it is Juice. There's not one freaking lemon in the whole glass.

Amazing! No wonder Becky was blown away. At Chick-fil-A they make the lemonade with... GET THIS... Lemons! Crazy I know.. but there's lemons in their lemonade and Becky was floored. Best stuff she has ever tasted.

It got me thinking, "what else in my world is both fake and normal?"

Where is my youth ministry just faking it?

Where is my marriage faking it?

Where is my family faking it?

What relationships do I have that are totally fake?

What part of the man in the mirror is a poser?

I've been burned bad by fakers. I've been a faker. I reminded myself that I hate faking it. I want to have a 0% faker factor in my life. I think I'm boycotting Minute Maid Lemonade and I'm going to be looking a lot closer at my OJ too.

Fake stuff is overrated. This Christmas, give the world a real gift-- the gift of the authentic and real you!!!

CHRISTMAS IDEA-RAMA

2011-12-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

We had our small group Christmas Party last night. We played way too many games and had too much fun and ran out of time to do our "bible study portion" which we planned to spend 20 minutes on. I'm lame, but it was fun. In case you want some last minute ideas. Here you go:

We had dinner together and played:

a christmas pictionary game
a snowflake building contest
a christmas coloring sheet contest
a team build your own gingerbread house contest with graham crackers/frosting
and some christmas mad libs .

If you click the links I gave you or just google any of that stuff, you'll get some fun ideas and explanations of how it works.

After all of that, we read Luke 2:1-20 as small groups and then I asked just one question. But I had 5 planned. Tonight at our dinner table and today in my one-on-one with Tyler before school over breakfast, I used some of these study questions... which have proved to be fun discussion starters on Christmas. So feel free to rip them if you can use them with your own youth group or even family. 2 just for for fun and three a little more serious.

Assuming God could not use an angel to tell Mary she is pregnant with God's son, come up with another crazy way for her to find out.
If you could be a superhero angel, what would your wings be made of and what would your super power be? Oh… and what would be your first pronouncement to the people of the earth?
This story says that the shepherds were amazed. What has been the most amazing thing you’ve experienced in your faith to date?
What do you think Mary treasured and pondered in her heart? What do you think she was feeling and doing and trying to soak in at this point? What do you feel this time of year?
Think about the phrase, “peace on earth to those on whom God’s favor rests”. What do you think it means? What does it say about peace and what determines whom God favors? How do you know?

DESIGNING SPACES THAT MATTER

2011-12-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time on design. Not because I'm a great graphic artist, painter, or designer (cuz I'm not). But more because I care deeply about space, visuals, and the nonverbal communication of even architecture and how it makes you feel.

I care that a font looks right in an e-mail. I care that it can be easily skimmed and that the most important things jump off the page. I care about room design, how a teaching outline looks, the visuals I use, and how how it all collectively impacts how a participant feels. I care about little stuff stashed in the corner of a stage and marks on walls and a lot of stuff. In my first book, I've worked hard with my publisher to come up with a design that is right and fits the book. Because I think the cover matters and shapes the impact of the content. Claiming that you "can't judge a book by it's cover" is a nice idea. It's just not true. People do it all the time. We all do it all the time. Visuals shape us and often give us first impressions that shape our expectations.

Think about it. Think about the spaces you most love to be in and feel most inspired by. Even if it's a beach, I'm betting it's a clean beach, not a trash filled one. If it's a restaurant or a room, my bet is it's well designed. Things work together and it just feels right. Everything from the music to the lighting to the smells matter. The truth is, the amount of hours I've spent on set designs, brochure planning, and even cleaning up a room as a youth pastor is HUGE. For years it was shared space I had to learn to temporarily design and then take down again. Then in parts of my ministry I've been able to design custom student spaces too. I truly value a well designed space and love it when a space inspires others and myself too.

Last week, I spent well over 3 days in preparation and working with our volunteers to redesign our regular student meeting space into a Christmas space for an outreach party and Christmas series we do every year. If you added it all up, it takes a solid 100+ hours to flip our room and make it what it is for this season. Even re-using previous decorations, it all adds up to an astonishing amount of work. Last year, I had a professional party designer check it out and tell me that our design and attention to detail was as good as any professional party design he'd ever been to.

Here's some shots of this years design that my friend Pat took of the final preparations.

Here's at least 3 reasons why I think you should care about your space and why I care about mine.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS MATTER: The first impression a student will get of your youth group and the experience they are about to go into will largely come from the space you meet in. If your space feels dark and dirty and cold, then it will set a certain tone for the audience. If it's big and empty and intimidating it will create another impression. If it's fun and inviting and inspiring to them, then it will send another message. It's why a great outreach investment can be landscaping and paint for your church campus. If people don't find the outside of your space inviting, they don't believe the inside is any different. In real-estate they call it "curb appeal" and if you don't have it, you can't sell it. Same is true for ministry. Curb appeal matters.

SPACES SEND MESSAGES: Like it or not, your space is communicating something. The only question now is, what is it saying? When we do a "set design" for a new teaching series, we're trying to change the room to be part of the message. If you're doing a series on love in February and you cover the tables in rose pedals or candy hearts, it says something. If you ignore the tables and simply put the same pencil boxes you always put on them, that says something too. Non-verbals are a HUGE piece of communication and what a space is saying non-verbally cannot be ignored. You don't have to spend thousands to remodel a space, but you do have to pay attention to it and find creative ways to change a room to fit the message you're trying to send.

STUDENTS DO NOTICE: Students may have messy rooms and be mess makers themselves. My experience says both of those things are common with teens. But that does not mean they don't notice the details of space. The number of comments I get about how our "room feels" or how a new set design or party decor inspires a student to engage is very high. Even tonight I was talking with a student at small groups and they talked about how the room feels like a "coffee shop" and how they feel comfortable there and inviting their friends into it. I had another gal tell me that the white stripe/crown look that we added to our Christmas decor up high made her notice the walls in ways she had never before. It's sometimes crazy to me, but students do notice non-verbals. A lot!

DOWNLOAD YOUTH MINISTRY DOT COM

2011-12-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ever wished you could have some great ministry resources at iTunes prices? Like if you could score a message series or a resource for say... uh.. .99 cents then you'd do it!

Well dream no more! My friends Josh Griffin and Matt McGill have launched just such a gem. It's called Download Youth Ministry.

I dug the site, loved the idea, and thus tossed a couple resources their way to join in on the fun. If you want a steal of a deal on stuff that's worth WAY more than the couple of bucks it'll cost to download, then this is your place.

I uploaded three resources to get the ball rolling on my contributions. More to come.

A TEACHING SERIES:

BRINGING SEXY WAAAY BACK a 4-week dating/sexuality series with outlines and scripture and suggested illustrations.

WEEK 1 BRINGING SEXY WAAAAY BACK – God’s Design for Sexuality
WEEK 2 I’M TOO SEXY FOR YOU – the power of inner beauty
WEEK 3 IF YOU GOT IT…. – a new look at modesty as sexuality under control
WEEK 4 MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL…. peace in Jesus before purpose in sexuality

and TWO RESOURCE SETS:

SMALL GROUP ADMINISTRATION TOOLS: 7 editable documents to help you pull off small groups! As an added bonus, we’ve included a prayer request worksheet and 3 ready to print (in house or professionally) follow up post cards.

4 Keys to a great study

Boundaries for Discipline
Small Group Covenant
Small Group Evaluation Questions
Small Group leader job description
Small Group profile
Why Small Groups
+ postcards
+ prayer request sheet

LEADERSHIP TEAM RESOURCE BUCKET A large group leader job description, adult leadership application, student leadership application, sample vision statement/core values doc, medical and permission slip waiver, ministry evaluation worksheet.

adult leadership application

core values and vision outline

event permission form

large group leader job description

student ministry evaluation worksheet

student leadership team application

PLANNING RETREATS FOR MORE THAN MINISTRY

2011-12-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

Every youth pastor I know plans retreats. They give their time and effort and some of their best creative energy into retreat planning because they know that retreats can and do change lives. Despite the fact that they always cost additional time, money, and often require huge planning steps of faith- they still do them because they are inherently risky and fun and unparalleled memory making ventures.

But here's the rub though.... not many of those same youth pastors plan great trips for their family.

For years I too put more effort into planning summer camp than a summer vacation. I justified this as part of my job and brought my wife and kids with me anytime I could. I still do that cuz I want both my own kids and my students exposed to the intersection of ministry and family. But recently, especially as my kids have gotten older they started complaining that the stories they heard me tell about our youth group retreats were things they wanted to do too. Telling them "just wait till you're in high school" was not going to cut it either. So over the last few years now, I've become increasingly convicted that if I'm not willing to do this for my own family, I should not be doing it for ministry.

I mean really: Why in the world would I give my most creative energy to the students I work with for a season at the expense of the family I'll be connected to for rest of my life?

Answer? Because retreats are a lot of work and if you do them both for ministry and your family, your life will get doubly complicated. Life is flat out easier in ministry and in my home when we just sit around. Problem is it makes no memories worth bragging about either. Having planned my share of both family and ministry retreats now... I can say this about them:

Family and Ministry Trips both cost money I don't easily earn.
Family and Ministry Trips both cost a lot of time.
Family and Ministry trips both require planning, preparation, and hours of clean up too.
Family and Ministry trips both have me asking, "Why did I do this to myself, I should have just played it safe and done none of this" in the preparation stage. They are also both quickly followed with, "I wouldn't trade this for the world moments"when they're done too.

Most recently, I took my kids and some friends and their kids back out the desert to do some target shooting, eating, and big bonfire time for a 2 day/one night trip the day after Thanksgiving. It's become a tradition at this point and every year we go I both simultaneously think, "man this is a lot of work and oh man, it is so worth it."

So from one parent/pastor to another, go ahead and plan that family trip with as much gusto as you do your next ministry trip. You and your family will be so glad you did. Hearing my kid brag about our family trips makes it all worth it.

CREATING A GENEROUS FAMILY

2011-12-02T01:20:00.000-08:00

A while back I was approached by one of our kids ministry pastors at Journey, Tara, about the idea of creating a family worship experience with a generosity focus during the month of November. Within minutes we had agreed to do it and then decided to offer an interactive and participatory learning experience. As parents, we both yearned for this for our own kids and hoped others would want the same.

We ended up working with a team of people to plan it over several months and it finally pulled it off on the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We were stoked, because in the end, it was a HUGE hit. We had over 100 families show up, worship together and then engage in meeting the needs of someone less fortunate either in our community or around the world.

Families were given a passport during our large group worship service and then they went to 3 stations on campus before going off campus to buy a gift for someone in need and coming back on campus to wrap it / pray over it / and then enjoy some hot cocoa. It was an Epic night.

In the process, I was reminded of a few things.

GENEROSITY IS NEVER ACCIDENTAL BUT ALWAYS FUN. If I want my kids to be generous, then I have to give them intentional opportunities to be generous. Going to Mexico. Saving money to spend on others. It's nights like this one that provided a win in this regard for everyone. Another family in need was blessed and my kids were too. Generosity is not something I drag my kids into, it's something my family gets the joy of participating in and it can't be taught. It can only be caught. Blessing others is a joy- especially when you do it together.

CREATIVITY INSPIRES GENEROSITY. Each family was unique in how they chose to create this experience and what they chose to buy for another family. It was amazing to watch really. This past Thanksgiving, during a tradition of writing down what we're most thankful for during a thing we call the "blessing pot", my mom gave everyone $5 with the one pre-requisite that you would use it to bless someone else. It really made for some great conversations with my kids and 8 of us at the table pooled our money together and chose to buy a flock of chickens and a flock of geese from heifer.org Jake gave his to 1 friend to use in Uganda this summer. Tyler has been giving his money a dollar at a time to kids at school who forgot their lunch money. Generosity was in the air and creativity was rolling. So cool.

GENEROSITY IS QUALITATIVE, NOT QUANTITATIVE. Creating a generous Spirit cannot be quantified. Generosity in my kids and in my family is not so much about the size of the gift we give away, but rather than we are always eager to push ourselves beyond what is comfortable. That could be small or big in terms of actual gifts or money. But that doesn't minimize the power of a small thing to change the world. These generous families and their kids said that loud and clear with their lives.

THANKFUL FOR LEGOS AND CREATIVITY

2011-11-24T23:49:00.000-08:00

My family did the "normal" stuff for us again this year. I bbq'd the bird. My mom and Shannon's mom made the "side dishes" and desserts. TJ finished the whole leg for the first time. The "blessing pot" was passed around (I'll write about that next time) and our post-meal dominos game was fun. Bottom line: our table was full and we are all thankful for so much. Seriously, I am beyond blessed.

WAY BEYOND BLESSED...
One random reminder of that fact is oddly enough, the pile of legos that is in the "playroom" at our house. I've had some of the pile for over 30 years and the rest is stuff my kids have steadily addd to on their own via gifts for the last 10 years. It's grown to be a GINORMOUS pile of legos that probably weighs close to 80 pounds. It has parts from space ships, planes, star wars, cities, police, castles, cars, and so much more. Really, it's gotta be at least 100,000 bricks and such.

Well, while in Disneyland earlier this month for Shannon's b-day we poked around in Downtown Disney and went into the Lego store to poke around. While in there, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the pile of bricks in the corner that were in bins sorted by color and style. It was like magnetic for me and it really bad made me want to fill a ginormous cup with parts and pieces and just buy bricks by the pound like I was 10 again. I did not do that, but what I did do was think, "I bet if we organized our bricks at home like this, we'd have a great time playing with them." I bet I would have a great time playing with them.

So, last night Jake and I started sorting bricks in search of new inspiration. We commandeered a rolling bin from my wife that was not being regularly used and started sorting away into it. The result was awesome (we're still only 1/3 of the way done though) and it also came with 3 reminders:

DANG. WE'RE BLESSED. THIS PILE OF TOYS IS HUGE!!!
Seriously, we still have pieces I've had since I was 8. I used to carry them around in a green pillow case with a draw string. Now the pile is simply too big. I don't even want to add up how much money we've spent over the year building this set of bricks. It is A LOT though whatever it is.

CLEAN SPACES ARE MORE INSPIRING THAN DIRTY ONES.
Clean your office and you'll feel more productive. If you organize toys... old toys become new. When you clean your car, you want to drive it more. I mean even when you clean your own body, you feel better. If your life lacks some inspiration, trying re-imagining a space you're in. We cleaned up the pile and made it into style and shape piles and the result was a forgotten pile of bricks became a blank slate of newness to enjoy. Cleaning stuff up is simply inspiring for everyone.

CREATIVITY IS FUN TO EXPLORE AND IS CLEARLY TIMELESS TOO.

Creativity is a terrible thing to waste and legos are just as fun if you're 10 or if your'e 40. I found every white one I could get my hands on and told my kids, "I'm gonna build the white house". TJ then started building a horse stable/police station/jail thing. Jake and Billy made houses. Becky chose a hospital. Tyler chose a fire station. No plans. No directions. Just a pile of bricks and an active imagination. So much fun. The pictures don't show it... but these buildings are all like 5 inches tall and as long as 18". I think everybody should have a pile of bricks in their life somewhere. So go ahead, be a kid again.

CHANGING THE WORLD, ONE KID AT A TIME

2011-11-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, we set a goal in our youth ministry to sponsor one kid on every continent that we could sponsor a kid on as a youth ministry. We're not there yet, but so far, our Encounter High School Ministry sponsors 5 kids or organizations monthly by asking students to bring $1 a week to our weekend services to help us sponsor them. Here's who we've been sponsoring for quite some time now:

A boy named Marvin in El Salvador through World Vision
A girl named Ruby in India through World Vision
A girl named Luyando in Zambia through World Vision
A boy named Hector in Tecate, Mexico through HIS Ministries.
An orphanage called Welcome Home where I adopted 2 kids from in Uganda

We are still very much committed to trying to help our students wrap their heads around the larger needs in the world through education and action for those who live in extreme poverty and this month, we did 2 things to add some more fuel to this fire:

WE VISITED HECTOR.

We made a day trip to Mexico on 11/11/11 to visit Hector and some of his peers at a Day Care center in Tecate where he goes daily and through which we sponsor him. In the process, we played with him, loved on him, put a name to a real face with some of our students and Hector, and we brought he and his family some food & household basics: rice, beans, flour, sugar, potatoes, avocados, salsa, salt, oil, pots/pans, dish soap, and laundry detergent. In the process, we found out that Hector's Dad whom I've met before recently left his mom for another woman and kicked Hector's mom and he and his siblings out of the house. They are now living full time at the daycare center. Words cannot describe how huge an impact this partnership is having with our students and Hector's family. Maybe these pictures might help.

WE ALSO HELD A "NO MEAL, ONE DAY" FASTING AND WORSHIP NIGHT.

We partnered with One Meal, One Day - an event that Compassion International puts on and we invited our students to skip a meal (or all their meals for a day) and bring the money they would have spent on food that day to youth group for a worship event so we could sponsor the poor around the world.

The result? Students fasted and prayed and gave $354 toward the Famine in the Horn of Africa and pledged enough money each week for us to add another child to our sponsor list. I'm so excited to introduce our students to a girl from Thailand that we now sponsor through Compassion International. Her name is Keke. May God use our youth ministry to completely transform her life as we partner with Compassion.

Here's some pictures to tell this new story.

HEY YOUTH PASTOR

2011-11-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I sometimes post stuff over on on a blog called Slant 33. It's a blog where 3 people give their slant on an issue at hand that relates to youth ministry and youth pastors.

I recently posted an article in response to the question, "How do you find safe friendships at church?" Here's part of what I wrote.

Let me just start by affirming two things: 1) We all need safe friendships at church. All of us. 2) When you’re the youth pastor or youth leader, they are hard to find.

Part of this is because you spend a lot of time with teens, and teens are not safe or healthy for accountability for you. So, the group you work with—unlike an adult ministry—is not a possible option for a safe friendship. Another reason is that, unless you’re at a really big church, if you’re the youth pastor, the pastors on your team are often people you answer to. Try as you may, it’s really hard to have a safe friendship with your boss who signs your checks or, when you confess your sins, doesn’t also muddy it with your leadership responsibilities. Which leads us to another reason we both need and find it hard to have safe friendships. Everyone around us is looking to us for leadership and guidance, and a safe friendship is one where you can be the uninhibited you. In a safe friendship, you share joys without creating jealousy and failures without creating judgment. So it’s hard. Understanding all of that, here are a few thoughts about how...

Well, now next week I have another slant that is due, and this time, I'm wondering if you have thoughts you might want to contribute to the process. Here's the next question I have until Nov. 21 to post a response to:

WHAT YOUTH MINISTRY CLICHE NEEDS TO GO AWAY?

Weigh in through the comments if you want. I have a few ideas of my own, but what are some of the cliche's that come to mind from your vantage point?

MIDDLE SCHOOLER IN MY HOUSE ROUND 2

2011-11-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

This year I have a middle schooler again in my house. Just as TJ exited stage right and headed into high school, Ty entered on stage left. This week he went off to 6th grade science camp so I thought in his honor I'd talk about the joy of Middle School in my home.

I can't speak for all Middle School Boys- and I've been a high school pastor primarily for the last 18 or so years of my life- but just in case he's stereo-typical, here's what I've been reminded of about Middle School boys again:

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS LIKE TO LAUGH AND EAT. He likes inside jokes especially and most of the time comes back from his small group telling me about something that he thought was silly and whatever they ate. He just got back from middle school camp today and I asked him how it was and he said, "GREAT". I thought this was awesome and asked why. His single word answer was "Food". Evidently the self-select all-you-can-eat buffet was great for this growing boy. He is very proud of how much pizza he managed to pack away on pizza night. It's like a badge of honor or something.

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS LIKE TO SERVE AND BE SIGNIFICANT. Tyler wants to serve. He begs me to get up early on Sunday and come and help in the sound booth. I'm his soccer coach and he decided to cut soccer and left me on the sidelines alone with the team one week to go join our Middle School ministry for a community service day that was here in San Diego with a bunch of churches a few weeks back. We have a GREAT middle school ministry that he LOVES and they sent me these pics of him after the serve weekend. So great. So much fun. I love the smiles on his face in these pics. I love how he feels believed in and how he is striving to be a significant difference maker in his world.

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS ARE CREATIVE. Tyler makes duct tape wallets, watches youtube videos to steal and gather new ideas, and most recently, got together with his fellow middle school buddy from our street to make his first ever custom Halloween costume. Tyler made it by himself using our printer, some paint, some glue, and a a couple of cardboard boxes. He was a soda vending machine and our neighbor was a candy machine. Too funny and so creative. It's like he's just oozing with a desire for more of that.

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS ARE CONSTANTLY GROWING AND CHANGING. It's like his body is in full fledged tilt mode. Changes are knocking on the door of childhood and his body is pushing him into a young man. He just lost a molar last week & it was as if his body was saying, "Get the child out, it's time to grow up now!" As a dad, I both want to embrace and celebrate the change and also put the brakes on it too. I'm eager to see who he will become as a young man, but I'm celebrating his fleeting childhood right now too as it's literally ticking away day by day.

I love me this Middle School boy.

FEEDBACK NEEDED

2011-11-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

Hey friends.

The statistics on this blog say hundreds of you visit this blog weekly. Thanks so much.

If you noticed, I started blogging 5x a week in January and stopped for the summer. Then when I got back it was fall and work, family, and coaching hit the full swing of fall and I got considerably more inconsistent. Then the demands of several other writing contracts hit and well, I failed at blogging.

The main conflict with carving out time to blog was finding time to carve out time to write as I've been in the crunch season of my first "real book" that's due out early next year.

It's titled "As for me and my crazy house" and is tagged "Learning to protect your heart, marriage, and family from the demands of ministry".

I'll blog some more about it soon and am turning in my manuscript to the publisher today. But in the meantime, I need some cover feedback. I have one art piece from the publisher and one from a friend and I'm looking for your votes. It won't tell you who did what or which one I like and why, but I'm wondering what you think. If you click on either of them you should get a bigger picture to view.

We'll call this one COVER 1- the door.

We'll cal this one COVER 2- the house.

So how about it? Which one do you like? Any feedback on colors and such? Go ahead and comment away, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

WHEN THE KING IS A QUEEN

2011-11-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in our high school youth group on Sunday and we were having a pumpkin coloring contest. You know, like kindergarden where you have a sheet of paper with a giant pumpkin on it and a box of crayons to color with. It was awesome I tell you... and it gave us 7 minutes of mindless and pointless competition to talk through as we raced to color the award winner. It was great fun.

As I sat and colored during our 9am service and asked about how the weekend was, most told me about the homecoming football game. I went to one this year for the first time in a long time and sat in the stands and tried to be an observer. Since TJ was the first of 10 years of high school in the Berrytribe, my wife and I figured it was a good tradition to start. So we took the family on Friday night for the homecoming game at Steele Canyon.

But as we talked, one of them said that a local high school in our community, Patrick Henry, elected a lesbian girl to be prom King. I thought they were joking or surely had their story wrong. But it turns out they did not. I went searching and found the news story. Patrick Henry High School named a girl "homecoming king". Why? Because she says she's attracted to girls and therefore can be king?

I don't get it.

Is this just a way for high school students to mock the process and call the contest stupid in the first place? If so then I get it a little.

Or is this legit? And if so, I'm back to not getting it. Regardless of your views on same sex attraction, isn't homecoming King for a man and Queen for a woman? If the school let the students give a girl the "homecoming King" award, what else can she/he do? Does that mean she can use the men's restroom at the dance? What other gender specific roles will the administration allow students to redefine? Can men now claim to be women and do the same thing? What if a gay man wants to play girls volleyball, can he?

Is there really this much confusion over anatomy? It's not a sexuality issue in my mind, it's biology 101.

I still don't get it.

Turns out the girl who won homecoming Queen is the newly elected homecoming "King's" girlfriend. But homecoming is not a dating couple contest, it's one guy and one gal elected to be King and Queen of a dance and usually awarded during a football game. So in other words, if they elect a lesbian girl as queen, her King is not her default date for the prom, he's just a guy at school who won the opposite gender award. So why the need to elect a dating couple of any gender combination in the first place?

But what do I know. I'm evidently crazy... and this officially makes high school ministry an entirely different world than the one I went to school in. I'm gonna stop telling students it's kinda like when I was in high school. Evidently I'm late to the party I've been at for a long time. Seriously late.

Only rich drug dealers used to have suitcase sized mobile phones. Now even drug-free students have phones smaller than my wallet.

Writing notes to people you liked used to be so cool & a way to cheat on tests. Now you date, cheat on tests, and even break up with your date via text msg in an entirely different classroom.

I went to school in the late 80's. Now they have 80's day at high school to mock my coolness.

And now the King is a Queen.

I sound like my grandpa. I must be getting old.

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT CHURCH

2011-10-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

I was at my son Tyler's soccer game on Saturday when the referee walked to the center of the field to do the normal pre-game check with my team. I lined them up at center field facing him and he checked all 13 of them for their equipment. He checked to make sure they had shoes on, their shirts tucked in, and their shin-guards on. He told 2 of my boys they could not play with the "drug free week" red plastic bracelet from that week at school, claiming they once broke another player's finger when caught in them. So we cut them off,

All of this was normal until he said this: "You all know how to play this game. So have a good time and play well. I just have one rule that you need to know about. There is no vulgar language on this field. If you can't say it in church, you can't say it here. You got it? If you do, I'll kick you off the field."

Really? I'm sure his intentions are pure enough and I'm guessing he must go to church somewhere. But really?

This has bugged me for 3 days. Here's why.

IT IS NOT THE CHURCH I KNOW: At least 75% of these 10 and 11 year-old boys on my team do not go to church and neither do their families. They have no awareness of what church is, and now their myths have been reinforced. I'm trying desperately as a pastor to love and encourage these kids and their families and do a job that honors God. I would love for them to come to our church, though I don't push it on them. In 30 seconds, this guy told my players that you better clean up your mouth first before you come to church, or like the soccer field, we'll kick you out. They were told that what God really wants from them is to not cuss. This is not true of my youth ministry. I'd rather you came with your junk as you are than hid it in the car and faked it as you walk in the door.

IT'S AN EXERCISE IN MISSING THE POINT: Many, if not most of my players haven't thought at all about following God this week and probably are not thinking about it on this day either. I'm guessing they're just trying to figure out how to get the most door-to-door candy. But if they did, they would know that God cares about their mouth and behavior modification... and it the process, they completely miss the point.

Jesus said this: "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." (Luke 6:45)

God doesn't want these boys mouths, he wants to inhabit their hearts. If that happens, then they're mouths would follow. Getting the order wrong, however subtle, is to miss the point.

IT'S ALSO PROFOUNDLY NEGATIVE. One myth about God and the Bible, it's that it is mostly concerned with telling you what NOT to do. Albeit subtly, this referee perpetuated that myth with his statement. He said that God doesn't want you cussing. He didn't say, "Hey team, let's have a great game and let's make this an encouraging place. I'm trying to follow Jesus and as a referee I have a passion to avoid vulgar language in my life. I won't cuss at you. Please don't cuss at me or your teammates either. Let's make this field a place of soccer and positive words. Can we do that?" That would have been profoundly different and rooted in the encouragement he's trying to promote instead of the negative consequences he threatened to gain compliance with.

PUKING PUMPKINS

2011-10-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we did this crazy experiment with pumpkins and a foaming mouth in the desert. It was gross and the perfect illustration for a conversation about the power of the tongue. We got the idea from Dangerous Devotions for Guys and is only dangerous cuz of nasty chemicals. There's no fire or explosions this time. This one does say you should measure stuff out all official like with a gram scale and stuff, but we just guessed using the estimated portions they suggested on some stuff and got close with others and it worked perfect. Here's how:

Have students carve a pumpkin- make sure to give it a big mouth. Place it on a rock or bucket or something with a glass jar inside.

Add some liquid soap, food coloring, and some 30% hydrogen peroxide- which is essentially pool shock that you buy at a pool cleaning supply place- to the glass jar. Then you mix some crazy chemical powder that I bought online at the place the book says to get it. You dissolve it with water in a separate container and then quickly pour it into the jar of other junk already in the pumpkin, then put the lid on the pumpkin fast... and almost instantly, the foam comes spewing out and it's gross and it makes a big nasty toxic mess.

Which is just exactly what you want it to do when you're talking about the power of our tongue and a lie. What more could you ask for to get students talking about how powerful our words are than a pumpkin spewing powerful foaming chemicals out it's mouth? Genius I tell you. Sheer genius.

Add a healthy serving of James 3 and maybe a little John 8:44 and Isaiah 29:13 and maybe finish it off with with Ephesians 4:29 and bammo. You have yourself a conversation about the power of the tongue and the danger/power in the word's we speak for good or evil.

That my friends, is a great small group study in the bag.

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

2011-10-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

There's something beautiful about an object lesson that begins with, "Don't try this at home."

I really don't know how Tim Shoemaker managed to get them to publish this, but his book, "Dangerous Devotions for Guys" has several cool object lessons that proved spot on for our man trip to the desert- cuz they live up to the name. They are dangerous and dangerous was just what we were going for. It was the perfect place for these object lessons too because there's nothing to catch on fire, no carpet to worry about destroying, and no shortage of open space. There is however a shortage of hospitals near by, so reading the fine print is kinda important. :)

The first night's lesson would be after dark so we took advantage of the lack of light and taught our students how to use a coat hanger, a squirt bottle, a candle, some duct tape, and a bottle of Isopropyl Alcohol to make a flame thrower.

I didn't have any time to test any of these experiments out before I did them, so I was concerned that one might bomb and then I'd be stuck with a lousy object lesson. But not one proved to be this way. And the personal flame thrower turned grown men into kids again. It was legit and so much fun!

And this led perfectly into a conversation about the power of our choices. We talked about how our decisions we make are powerful and dangerous. We challenged young men to be dangerous for the Kingdom of God in all they do and to lead lives that were worthy of imitation.

1Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (niv)

1 Corinthians 10:31–11:1 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. (niv)

1Corinthians 11:1 Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. (esv)

As we challenged students to submit their lives to God, so that he could direct their power and infuse them with a power for good, I was reminded that each of them is less than four years away from telling them they have full power to direct their own life. This weekend was about giving them the keys to do that, long before they are 18.

Thanks Tim for the object lesson. I owe you one. It was nothing short of an epic memory maker for sure.

THE BENEFITS AND DANGERS OF TRADITION

2011-10-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Last week a column I wrote for Slant 33 went live on the web in the subject of "Tradition in Youth Ministry." Myself and two others wrote about the inherent dangers and strengths that tradition hold.

In light of our weekend retreat a couple of days ago, it proved a timely reminder of both the benefits and dangers of doing the same retreat in the same location over and over again.

For our women, their retreat has followed a similar format, but never the same location two-years in a row. Their trip has both some tradition and some constant movement, but not enough to give a sense that things will be radically different. This both helps us and hurts us.

For our men, their retreat has been in the identical spot for 5 years straight now. We go to the same piece of sand, drive the same route often in the same trucks, pitch the same tent, and even eat almost the same menu. We do change the team building exercises, some of the activities, and the content of our talks every year, but much of it is tradition that remains the same. In fact, some who even had a great time last year told us this year that, "I went before and so I don't need to go again."

In both cases. Tradition has strengths and weaknesses.

Here's some things I wrote about on Slant 33 that were absolutely true of this tradition for us too:

SHARED STORIES: If you do an event or have a ritual or keep a tradition over the long haul, then your ministry has a consistent shared journey. Students and staff can say, “Remember that time at summer camp…” and they all have an instant shared story. Sure, each year was different, but there’s camaraderie and unity and ownership in shared language and experience, all of which are like gold in youth ministry.

THE LOGISTICS CAN BE DONE IN YOUR SLEEP.You already know the family that does the food. You know who plays the music and who your leaders will be. You just call them, confirm a couple of things, and move on because they already know what to do, what to expect, and how to help. The logistics are virtually done before you even start. Tweak the flyer, fix two things you learned last year, make some phone calls, put it up on Facebook. Done.

WE GET PREDICTABLE. Tradition can also lead to predictability in a bad way. Instead of keeping your students on the edge of their seats, wondering what will happen next, they start to ditch stuff because they’ve already done it. Even if it was amazing the first time, the second time was okay, and the third time was, um…predictable. When we do and say what everyone thinks we’ll do and say, we lose our leadership edge in the lives of students.

If you want to read more of what I said, plus Adam and Michelle's thoughts, you can go hit them up here.

If you want to throw in your own thoughts on tradition, by all means, drop a comment.

A WEEKEND IN THE DESERT

2011-10-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

Our annual desert weekend man trip retreat is now complete and what a BLAST it was. We took 57 adults and students from 2 churches to the desert for a weekend of bonding, Bible study, and things that go BOOM.

We did the usual stuff like a huge bonfire and shooting ranges for both rifles and shotguns. Yes, we blew some stuff up. We ate like kings. We enjoyed one another. We had some great conversations and saw some students take some renewed steps back to God.

But this year, there were 3 things that really stood out to me.

LIFE WITH GODLY MEN IN MY LIFE IS BETTER.
I love doing life with the men in my ministry. I'm so thankful for Godly friends who are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with me and call teens to step it up into manhood. I loved listening to their conversations, watching them model ministry, and serving along side of them. I really could not ask for a greater compliment to my own ministry than the character and integrity of the friends and mentors who have willingly chosen to unite with us. It means the world to me.

ACTIVE AND VISUAL LEARNING IS FLAT OUT BETTER.
This year we used a book called "Dangerous Devotions for Guys" and seriously, it was worth EVERY PENNY we paid for it. In each of our large group conversations we had we used a visual from this book and had the guys make them in 8 small groups. I'll go into more detail on the 4 that we used that were epic in future posts this week, but suffice to say, the visuals were amazing teaching tools. These images might not mean much to you right now, but trust me, none of the men on this trip will forget them or what they stood for.

Also, on the first night, we gave every guy on the trip a block of wood as a memory tool. Then for each message or conversation time, we created a "brand logo". There were 5 plus one danger symbol that we used for each talk and to shape our weekend. Jason, our resident metal worker, used a water jet to make steel logos which we heated with torches and branded into their board after each talk. Epic. Seriously Epic weekend of POWERFUL visuals. Here's my board:

REAL MINISTRY TAKES TIME.
I think this is my 6th year to the desert with our men in Encounter and each year it gets better. The men get more confident, the students get more involved, and manhood is literally growing all around us. Not because we blow stuff up, but because we're consistent. The men that go with us to the desert and stay plugged into our small groups through the year are slowly but surely changing into the image of God and it's powerful stuff to watch and see. This year, my oldest son TJ got to join me for the first time as well. That is longevity of another fruit that I'm so blessed to now enjoy. I've waited 14 years for this season of ministry and I'm so blessed beyond words at the long term fruit in my own son's life at this stage. I thank God for the way time and the Holy Spirit together change lives.

RETREAT PLANNING- WHY BOTHER

2011-10-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

At the last NYWC in San Diego, myself and Nate Rice and Matt McGill hosted a panel discussion entitled "Retreat Planning 101" and in it, we discussed the what, when, where, how and such of planning your own retreat verses just using the already done program of a retreat center who runs their own camps and subcontracts out spaces to groups.

We decided to do a brief overview and then we selected on person from the audience who had a retreat to plan and we used him as a guinea pig and tried to apply the basic retreat planning process to his one retreat. That gave us an immediate way to make it practical and a fun way to help someone out.

But before we dug in, we started asking the basic question: "Why bother?" I mean really, think about it. No one has extra time or money these days and planning your own retreat will require both. Volunteers will have to take time off work, families will have to find room in their budget for the retreat expenses, the work load of the one(s) planning the retreat just went sky high, and the list could go on. If you were trying to make your life easier or not put pressure on the budget of any family, then you would surely NOT plan a retreat at all. So again, "Why bother?" Are retreats stills worth it?

I asked myself this question again this week as I'm planning a retreat with our students this weekend. It's our annual fall retreat and the guys are going to the desert about an hour east of us and the girls are going to the beach at Carlsbad about an hour north of us. But while both trips have promising experiences laid out, both trips have also already proven to be a lot of work and a financial hardship for families and even my own church budget. We're not planning a $300 weekend, but still... everything ads up when I'm calling students and writing on Facebook walls and trying to convince all kinds of people that it will be worth the sacrifice of time and money, I find myself again wondering... am I just trying to convince myself it will be awesome? Maybe the retreat model is dead for a season and I should quit planning stuff like this.

So for what it's worth, here's 3 reasons I think planning a retreat is worth it. Despite the fact that my week is harder than normal and my weekend waaaay busier, here's why I would still do it again:

GET AWAY & GET OUT OF TOWN FACTOR. There is no changing it. When you get away, the mindset is different. There's anticipation in the air. Students listen different. Adults engage different. I could paint the whole building every weekend and change decor into some new theme, and it still wouldn't compete with the power of a new environment off our church campus. When ever we get out of the normal space and into a new one, God meets us there. Maybe he gets bored just like we do with monotony. Retreats break that up. Retreats are powerful ethos changers.

BONDING. There is nothing that can promote bonding like a shared experience. Go on a road trip. Build a bonfire. Have something break and something go ridiculously wrong. All of it adds up to a memory that again, will always trump whatever stuff happens in our church on Sunday. Getting away creates a community in ways that staying at home simply can't compete with. It's true of family vacations. It's true of student retreats too.

LIFE CHANGE. I know it's cliche to think that when we get away, people connect with God. This truth has gotten a bad rap actually because many times the results are hyped up and short lived. But the flip side of this coin outweighs this possibility every time. The fact of the matter is when we take a risk and pour into one another and God like we do when we go on retreats, God does great things. Sure, you could argue that if we did that each time we met at home, God would do that there too. It is true God is not spatially impaired. But you'd also be arguing against reality as well. The truth is normal is normal. If you want the abnormal to occur, you have to take a risk and get abnormal. Retreats set up amazing opportunities where God constantly and consistently works in the lives of those who join God in the abnormal experiences a weekend or weeklong retreat lends itself too.

So go ahead, work hard, pull out your hair, stress over the money, beg spoiled students to go with you, take a risk, trust God, and remind yourself that it's all worth it. Every minute and every penny. Retreats are a great investment of both. Give it 2 weeks. It will all be worth it. Give it 2 years and it will definitely prove to be worth it.

WELCOME TO YOUTH MINISTRY

2011-10-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

This year we're trying something new and we put our small groups all in the same space on campus. We have a dinner and hang out time with volleyball and basketball for 40 minutes from 6:30 to 7:10ish pm. We come in for a 20 minute large group co-ed time to set up the topic of discussion. Then we head to gender specific small groups for the remaining hour till 8:30pm in various places on campus.

Tonight, we were talking about money and stuff. So to start us off thinking about what you would buy if you had the money, we asked 2 questions in our large group.

what did you have for lunch today?
what was the last fast food item restaurant you went to?

Then we showed this video just for fun.

And to follow it up, we told them to tell someone at their table this:

Before anyone else could speak, some guy tells his group in the split second moments of silence before anyone else can speak up... quickly and confidently he says "SEX" loud enough for the entire room to hear.

CLASSIC.

Note to self: "Dude, you're getting old. You should have seen that one a mile away."

I then had to clarify. Um... "maybe think of stuff you might buy in a legit store, not on a street corner." :)

Welcome to youth ministry.

RESTRICTED FROM YOUTH GROUP

2011-10-11T21:29:00.001-07:00

I was teaching at Recess at Mt. Hermon this last weekend for some youth workers in Nor Cal and during a Q and A session, the subject of being restricted from youth group came up.

Whenever this comes up in my ministry or in a question from another, I have 2 primary thoughts.

FOR PARENTS: A parent restricts their son or daughter from youth group because their child likes it. If they didn't, they wouldn't restrict them from it. It's not like anyone is ever restricted from math class or from eating their vegetables. But I would say that like grape flavored cough syrup, just because your kid likes it, doesn't mean it's not helpful. If you tell your student they can't go to church when they are telling you they want to, this will eventually backfire when they don't want to one day and you try to force them to go. It is also totally possible to be an A+ student and a D+ Christ-follower. Take away their cell phone. Unplug the computer. Ban them from the school football game. Give them chores at home. Just don't tell them they can't go to church. There are tons of families who are forcing their son or daughter to go because they won't go on their own who would trade seats any day of the week.

FOR STUDENTS: So glad you you like our youth group. So glad you come. But evidently whatever is making it fun is not making a transformation at home either. If every time you came home from being at youth group or small group, your parents saw a difference in you, then you probably wouldn't be restricted from it. Oh, and it's not possible to be an A+ Christian and a D+ student. Just because you are striving to love Jesus doesn't mean you can fail at home or at work and God doesn't care. Faking that you hate it won't help either. Just put away your cell phone, lean into youth group, and go home a different person. The more transformational your faith becomes to your real life, the less time you'll spend fighting your parents over it.

So then what? What should a youth pastor do when a student is restricted from youth group?

Talk to parents. Find out what really is going on at home. Don't tell them they are wrong. Just shut up and listen. You don't live with their son or daughter and it's totally possible they are different at home than they are with you. Be a learner.
Commit to praying for their family. Be sympathetic to the difficulty of raising a teen who loves Jesus in the midst of the world we live in today.
Meet up. If you can, offer to meet one-on-one with the parents or their student. Meet in a safe public place like starbucks and talk about life. Let them know you care and that you want to be a help to making youth group not just fun, but helpful too. See if you can't agree on some good action steps together that could bring about mutual benefit to their home, the student, and youth ministry too.
Keep at it. When they get to come back, don't assume things will just automatically changed or are fixed because they came back. Keep asking how things are going and give reminders to the student when it's appropriate. Like when they walk out the door every week to go get in their parent's car!

MARRIAGE AND MINISTRY

2011-10-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

Keeping my marriage a priority is constantly in tension with the pull of work, family, and life.

We could probably make a long list of reasons for this tension, discussing the demands of the church, the difficulty of separating work and home life when your calling as a pastor is a 24/7 reality, the needs of people, etc. But, regardless of the reason, if you want to stay in ministry and stay married to your spouse, then my observation and experience tell me it will require intentionality.

Here are five things we’ve tried to do as a married couple that I think have been strategically helpful. Sometimes we’re better at these than others.

Interested in my list?

You can read my five thoughts and several others from Lars Rood and Brooklyn Lindsey on Slant 33 here.

CRAVE: A NEW SERIES IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL WEEKEND

2011-10-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend we launch a new series in Encounter. It's called "CRAVE" and is about the urges that drive us and how to discern what we should do about them. I'm really stoked about it and how our series is being crafted. We've done some things a little different with this series- trying to reorder some stuff, change our outline format, and add a target feeling to each service. We'll see how they work. But each week as we've prepared has 3 staples as a starting point.

a specific week's title to guide us
a feeling we're trying to invoke in someone who engages with our service.
and a focus issue we're trying to challenge students to apply to their life.

Here's the 4 weeks broken down:

October 9

TITLE: I want it
FEELING: A deep yearning, craving, reaching for something
TOPIC: Discerning if I really want what God really wants

October 16

TITLE: I'm stuck in it
FEELING: Angst- a refusal to accept life as is.
TOPIC: Getting out of the patterns and ruts we get stuck in that keep us from our full potential

October 23- FALL RETREAT

October 30

TOPIC: I want out
FEELING: Hope- there is a way out.
FOCUS: Freedom from bad relationships

November 7

TOPIC: I'm free from it
FEELING: Joy- the freedom to move
FOCUS: Ditching Addiction

Pray for us. Pray that this series inspires lives, transforms hearts, and removes a ton of sin in our high school ministry. Pray that we CRAVE the things that honor God and build up students to their fullest potential.

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT: 5 of 5

2011-10-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ok.. got swamped with the NYWC and never finished this series.

The last thing I would say about dealing with discouragement is simply that it doesn't have to be this way. Discouragement doesn't have to be our reality, but to get out of it, we have to turn the corner towards a better future... and that doesn't happen accidentally. It's not super easy, but it doesn't have to be complicated either. It requires us to intentionally choose to tell a different story with our lives. I'm not sure what that means exactly for you, but here's a few things that means for me.

NO MORE PITY PARTY: Life might suck and it will continue to do so until I intentionally choose to say no to depression and funk. As long as I keep fueling the fire, discouragement will continue to burn bright. Perhaps we can't change other's behavior, but we can decide to not make it worse.

START OVER: maybe I can't start over fully. Like I'm not recommending you quit your job or ditch your ministry or something radical like that. I'm just saying that when I need a do over and a better day, I need to do some things over. If I had a really bad day at work, I have to start today with a clean slate. If my last teaching bombed, then I must be as resilient as my audience and start over today as if that last experience was not as bad as it feels.

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK: ok, so maybe you are discouraged because of something you did. But if you're like me, you might be your own worst critic. Cut yourself some slack and start over. Try again and decide to say no to discouragement.

RE-READ PARTS 1-4.... if you're in a cyclical funk, it might help to start a new cycle of defeating that funk by re-reading and re-thinking this issue in your life for a season until you can find a new normal.

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT: 4 of 5

2011-09-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

At some point, it's time to look in the mirror and ask, "Why do I feel this way?" Really, what is going on in me and why am I so wrecked?

This isn't solution finding. It's soul digging. It's in search of the reason behind the reason. It's not about why did so-and-so say that thing or what could I have done to make this different? This is not a "How can I fix this?" question. This is a "What is going on in me?" question.

I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you that when I've been the most wrecked... when I've walked into my senior pastor's office and tried to quit. When I've cried myself to sleep or screamed at the sky in angst or just crawled in bed hoping today was a bad dream... when I've felt seriously discouraged... the most loving people I know have gently, and sometimes firmly, sent me tracing back on my steps in search of truth.

So, I can't answer the why question for you. But I can suggest some places to go looking- places I've found the answer before.

BUSYNESS. Busyness has a way of destroying our souls. It has a way of wrecking us inside by causing us to focus on everything but the inside. The tyranny of the urgent starts to pay it's toll and somewhere, the doing too much bug started eating away at the foundation of your life and it needs fixing. We start getting too little sleep. We take on too much. Life starts to fall apart and our priorities get all out of whack. When this happens, discouragement can be the visual symptom of this often invisible cancer many times.

CALLING. My youth pastor once sent me on that trail as a youth pastor myself. He told me, "Brian, this is about your calling. You need to go back and ask yourself why you got into this in the first place." When you struggle with purpose and meaning, sometimes the solution is go digging for your calling. What was it that moved you to move in the first place? When you find the answer to that, you can climb out of discouragement on the ladder of God's call for you.

FEAR. Sometimes I'm wrecked because I'm simply afraid of what's ahead. Sometimes I'm afraid of being a failure. Fear can be crippling and it tends to discourage easily. When you're scared of the unknown, be cautious of giving too much credibility to the emotion of discouragement. You're already leaning in the direction of defeat and discouragement only fuels that downward spiral.

PLEASING PEOPLE. Oh my, if there's ever a disease in the church that brings on the discouragement is the desire to be at peace with people that so subtly leads to the passion to please people. And it's toxic. It will leave you happy one day and brutally disappointed the next. If you're discouraged because you're trying to please people. Call it out.

ADDICTION. When you're defeated in one area already, it's super easy for discouragement to become a pattern. If you secretly are losing in one area, and then anther wounds you, it's easy to cast blame on the wrong thing. If deep inside me I'm struggling to let the Holy Spirit win in one are of my life, it's easy to get discouraged all the more when another area of my life begins to fall apart.

How about you... what other areas have you found tend to be the source of the source of discouragement? What has tended to wound your soul and set you up for the emotion called discouragement?

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT: 3 of 5

2011-09-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

I used to watch "The Practice" religiously. It was a tv series about a law office that constantly was hired to defend thugs and guilty men and women accused of the worst set of crimes. Their anti-thesis was the District Attorney. Being a D.A. against "The Practice" was gut-wrenching work and unlike Bobby Donnel's Law Firm, no defendant paid them double if they won cuz they were court appointed. The D.A.'s job was thankless. Maybe it was why I found camaraderie with them in moments of discouragement.

But I'll never forget this one episode. One of the District Attorneys, Helen, wants to quit. The trial went bad, the public is not happy, they probably just lost and let a guy everyone knows was guilty go free and the thankless factor had hit an all-time high. So in the very last scene of the episode they're in restaurant and eating dinner when Helen puts down her fork and says to Richard:

Helen Gamble: I need it, Richard. Give it to me.  
Richard Bay: What?  
Helen Gamble: The speech. Why we do what we do.  
Richard Bay: Oh, I am not really in the mood after...  
Helen Gamble: PLEASE, Richard. I NEED it. Please give it to me. And don't just phone it in.
 Richard Bay: Helen...  
Helen Gamble: Please! Can't you see how demoralized I am?  
Richard Bay: OK. (takes a deep breath) There are heroes in this world. They're called District Attorneys. They don't get to have clients, people who smile at them at the end of the trial, who look them in the eye and say, "thank you." Nobody is there to appreciate the District Attorney, because we work for the state. And our gratitude comes only from knowing there's a tide out there. A tide the size of a tsunami coming out of a bottomless cesspool. A tide called crime, which, if left unchecked will rob every American of his freedom. A tide which strips individuals of the privilege of being able to, to walk down a dark street or take twenty dollars out of an ATM machine without fear of being mugged. (entire restaurant has stopped eating and is now listening) All Congress does is talk, but it's the District Attorney who grabs his sword, who digs into the trenches and fights the fight. Who dogs justice day, after day, after day without thanks, without so much as a simple pat on the back. But we do it. We do it, we do it because we are the crusaders, the last frontier of American justice. Knowing that if a man cannot feel safe, he can never, never feel free.  
Helen Gamble: Thank you.

Truth is, we all need "the speech" every now and again.

If you're a parent and frustrated: maybe you need the why your kid still needs you, even if they don't know how to say that speech.

If you're a couple struggling and considering divorce: maybe you need the you walked the isle and said divorce is not an option speech.

If you're wondering if your life will ever get better, maybe you need the God is not done with you speech.

And if you're in youth ministry, and you are feeling discouraged: then maybe you need "the why we do this speech". And if you can't muster up the energy to give it to yourself, here goes. In honor of students and "The Speech", I'll give it to you:

There are heroes in the world of today's youth. They are called Youth Workers. They are a rare breed. They are the ones who walk into the turmoil of teenage life when everyone else is walking out. They stand in the face of countless statistics that warn of the ills that this generation will have to endure. They know what's at stake and they fight for the lives that lie behind every number. Where others merely see rebellion, they see a generation in need of hope.

They love God and love students and they'd do anything to see those two loves meet. They give up weekends and luxury retreats to sit on busses and take vacation time to invest in a week of camp or tent-filled missions instead. They lose sleep in prayer, give money in scholarships, and invest time in just simply being there. Youth workers invest in a generation with all they have, all the time.

Youth workers know intrinsically that quitting won't solve anyone's problems- least of all those of our young people. They don't need a survey to them that families struggle because they see it on the faces of those they minister to all the time. Teens need a mentor and far too many have already quit on them, so as a youth worker, they step up. They listen when others judge. They cry when others just rant. They see potential where others only see pain.

Youth workers are rarely thanked. Rarely paid well. And even rarer understood. They are both living on the front lines of the battle and are our last line of defense before full fledged adulthood. They are a God-given gift to students, to families, to the church and to the culture.

We cannot afford to lose even one for the harvest is plentiful, but the youth workers are too few.

So if you're a youth worker. Your work matters. Students need you. Families need you. I need you. Please don't quit. You're making a world of difference and one day... your Savior- and if you're lucky, your students- will thank you face-to-face saying, "Well done. Thank you for staying the course. You are a good and faithful servant."

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT: 2 of 5

2011-09-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

After you've given yourself some time to de-emotionalize the funk you're in, you might be in a better place. But if you're like me, you're probably still pretty discouraged and honestly, a bit wounded. The images of discouragement and the voices that cut might be a bit dimmer than their immediate circumstances, but you can still see and hear them clearly. Maybe they've been there for a while, but you're trying to give yourself some space to process, but it's hard.

If it was an e-mail you got that tipped the scales, then you probably haven't mustered the courage to just deleted it forever yet.
If it was an angry coworker, friend, parent, boss, etc.. you can still hear their tone, voice, and words.
If it was a small thing a long list of things that haven't gone right, the long list is still long and the small thing still feels monstrous and like one more person you can't please.
If it was an event or talk or a program that that bombed so bad you wanted to just call it quits, then you still can relive the moment if you let yourself go there.

So what now?

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THE GOOD. This might seem impossible, but there is good going on around you and you need to find it. Look for small things to celebrate. No, don't make stuff up or try and talk yourself out of your funk. Just go looking for the good. It's in there. I promise. The next 3 thoughts are ways to do this.

ASK OTHERS TO HELP. Don't say one word to your critics. Don't go searching for a better day or to see if they really don't feel the way you do or if you've blown the thing way out of proportion. Not yet. Right now just go to your biggest fans- the 2 people in the world you know love you unconditionally, even if one is your mom- and ask them what they think is going right. Tell them you're wounded and you need to spend some time in the good. I confessed my funk to a few people on Sunday and found 3 e-mails in my inbox reminding me that it's going to be ok. It doesn't always happen like that; in fact, it rarely does. But it reminded me that when you're discouraged, we all need some encouragement. And if it isn't coming accidentally, we need to go searching for it.

MAKE A LIST OR PRAY OR JOURNAL OR WHATEVER. Take some time to thank God for things that you have to be thankful for. We all know we could make a rant. And maybe you should make a rant list, but only so it can lead you to a thankful list. It's the promise of Philippians 4:6-7. It's the road to true inner peace. You've told students to do it before. Now it's your turn to practice what you preach. Think about a friend who stuck by you in the funk, the breath in your lungs, the computer you're reading this on, anything. Think about the situation or circumstances that have brought you to the place you're in and ask God to show you where He's at in it. Look for small things somebody said, the little changes for the better, or the places you can see a glimpse of God.

TAKE A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE. This is easier to do if you have a few habits from the good days. I have a file and now an e-mail inbox that I stick encouraging e-mails and notes in. After a really good youth ministry event, write down a praise and save it. Compile the best pictures and moments of your life and keep them in a shoebox or a slideshow on your computer. Then sit your butt down and flip through them. There's some great things God has done in and through you. Let God remind you of that. Remember, he's not the God of discouragement.

Ok.. tomorrow is part 3. I really want to give it now, but tomorrow will do. If it's a mountain of discouragement you're trying to conquer, Part 3 takes us to the summit. It's the last climb before we start making some amends. It's epic. I can't wait.

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGEMENT: 1 of 5

2011-09-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I tried to let it sit for a day before I blogged about it.

But frankly, yesterday was one of those days where when you're done with teaching high school as a pastor, you want to crawl in a hole and not come out. Several students texted and talked and passed notes during my message. Some walked out before it even began. The room lacked life. The whole thing seemed like going through the motions and like the complete opposite of the 3 weeks before it. I could have just stopped mid-sentence and said, "My bad. Something is severely wrong and it just might be me. Let's all go home and try again another day." It felt that way during our 9am service. It felt that way again at 11. Was it a full moon? I dunno.

But I do know this feeling. In the grip of years I've been doing high school ministry, I've experienced it on more occasions than I care to really admit.

I remember one Wednesday night in Nor. Cal about 10 years ago. I came home after youth group when I felt like this... like I was a failure and that I should just quit. In an attempt to just drift away into brainless activity, I crashed on the couch and flipped on David Letterman. He was doing his monologue and it was bombing. I was feeling a bit of camaraderie with him in a twisted sort of way when all of a sudden he broke out of his monologue and turned to his sidekick Paul and asked, "Hey Paul, how many shows do we do a year?" Paul said, "I dunno, something like two or three hundred". Letterman said, "That's a lot right?"... Then in a moment of improv, Letterman walked straight for the camera and stuck his face in the screen. Then he said, "Hey people, with 200 shows, you can't be good all the time" and went back to making fun of himself and his audience and how bad his jokes were bombing. It was beautiful. I laughed and said to myself, "If David Letterman can't be good all the time with an entire staff of writers, surely I can bomb a few myself and keep going." I remember laughing at God for speaking to me through David Letterman. I still think that's funny.

For like the entire first year here at Journey our second service in high school had about 25% of the numbers from our first service... and all of them looked like they hated it. I mean really, I think they were all forced to be there and I wished they would just flip me off or tell me why they hated it so we could talk for real. Every day- I'm not joking -every Sunday I would walk into the bathroom between services and look myself in the mirror and say, "you can do it. you can do it. you can do it" and then pray and walk out with a smile on my face and thank students for coming and try to give them my best. It was brutally hard and coming on the heels of a great season of ministry, it was steadily trying to eat away at my confidence in my calling.

So this week, in honor of my own dysfunction and for anyone who can identify with it, I'm doing 5 posts on dealing with discouragement.

So here goes. If you feel like a loser and like you might want to quit any minute. Here's what you might want to do.

CALL IT OUT. Discouragement is not from God. Correction might be. But kick you down and tell you "you suck"is not. It won't change how you feel. But it will begin the process of recognizing that what you feel is not from God. Ponder Philippians 4:8. You won't find discouragement in that list or in the list of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 either.

WALK AWAY. For a long time after second service I'd quit every Sunday. I'd walk out the door and quit. Then I'd walk across the parking lot and get in my car and drive home. On Monday night, I'd re-hire myself again. Before you do or say anything you're going to regret, give yourself some time to think and pray and de-emotionalize the moment. Time heals a lot of stuff... especially the emotional stuff.

PRAY. Spend sometime asking God to show you what is truth and what is lie in the voices and images that are banging around in your head. I'm positive there is real stuff to repair. But if you're like me, then you're your own worst critic. Ask God to separate the truth from the lie... even truth from the lies you own because you said them.

WANNA INFLUENCE PEOPLE?

2011-09-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

This fall there have been 3 things that I've had happen or observed that are worth stealing if you want to make a difference in the lives of students or families or even your friends. I can take credit for none of them. But all of them both inspired and challenged me.

CALL PEOPLE TO BRAG ABOUT THEM. No joke. 2 days ago my oldest sons public high school english teacher called the house. We were not home. So she left a voice mail. It was not because he missed an assignment or because he had a problem. It was just because she wanted to brag on him. Are you kidding me?

I figured out how to make a voice recording of it on my iphone, but I have no idea how to post it here. But I wrote it down. Here's what she said:

Hi, this message is for Mr. and Mrs. Berry.
This is __________, TJ’s English teacher. And I’m just calling to let you know what an awesome student your son is. I like to call parents and give them some feedback on how their kids are doing. TJ is not only a leader in the class but he’s also a delight. He has a great sense of humor. He’s getting an A- in here just a wonderful wonderful boy. I’d like to commend you and also commend him. If you have any questions, you can give a call at _______________.

Ok... so honestly, when was the last time you called a parent to brag about their son or daughter? Crazy simple. Crazy impactful.

TEXT A NOTE: My wife texts love notes. My kids small group leaders text the encouragement notes. You should do this. I should do this. It really makes your day.

What could you text someone and say today that would light up their world and make them smile?

WRITE STICKY NOTES: The office across from mine is our college pastor. Her sister came in and wrote stupid sticky notes on stuff. Not like annoying 5000 of them on everything. I had that done to my office once. More like... one saying "your awesome". a silly one saying "this is your door". And a bunch more. I'm sure it took like 5 minutes and made her day. It made me smile.

Go ahead, write a sticky note reminder for yourself to use sticky notes. The use them in your friends houses, cars, and work places to stick amazingness everywhere. It will be awesome.

YOUTUBE I CAN USE

2011-09-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

Two of my friends, Adam McLane and Mark Oestreicher recently formed a little company called "the youth cartel". Well, apart from doing some coaching that I was the beneficiary of and apart from them both volunteering in our student ministry and apart from being just good friends, now they also are making my convos with students waaay easy too.

Seriously, there is this little gem they send out every Monday called "Youtube You Can Use". And let me just say, it's cheating. Seriously, if you have a small group Bible Study you're responsible for, you might not need curriculum anymore. If you're a youth pastor, you might actually get fired by your boss when they decide they don't need you to write Bible Studies anymore either. It's ridiculous how simple it is- unless your e-mail freezes or they realize what a steal this is and start charging you for the brilliance of it- then you might be able to keep your job. But until then, um... you should really slyly sign up and use your non-church e-mail to get it all sneaky and stuff.

Anyway, the third week of this e-mail just came out and each week it basically has 3 elements.

A VIDEO: 1 to 2 minutes via Youtube- which is uh... free.

A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS TO KICK AROUND ABOUT THE VIDEO.- free again.

A BIBLE PASSAGE TO READ AND SOME MORE QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT- and again.

I decided that I'm just going to bust out my iphone and use this video and the questions with my high school son during our Wed. am breakfast chats. Bammo! Instant fun and reason to talk about something significant.

What's that you say? You have not subscribed to this e-mail yet. Oh.. I see, you like doing stuff the hard way. For the rest of you people who believe you should work smart not hard... Well for you, you can subscribe here. Just don't tell your senior pastor or your elder board about where you get your free brilliance :)

HIGH SCHOOL QUESTIONS

2011-09-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really praying that we are trying to invite a generation understand, own, and live out a life-changing faith in Jesus. To that end, I don't see our high school ministry as a place of protection from the evil world, but rather a place of equipping for students who want to engage their faith in the real world. This means if you're a "bunker parent" who believes that we should keep our students safe in church from the evil influences, then we will be at odds in philosophy. I don't try and drag the evil from outside in, but I also don't talk to my students about Jesus without addressing as much of what they'll hear elsewhere as I can.

In this current weekend series, we've been asking students each weekend to ask their honest questions. We've asked them to share with us what they've been wondering and we are addressing them little by little each weekend. This coming weekend, we are actually spending the whole teaching time on them.

Before I give you the list my students have turned in so far... here's a few things to remember:

These came from the church setting, not the mall hall. So if they shock you, know it's not the ones "out there" who are confused. It's those who came inside the church walls too.
If you don't know the answer, don't fake one. Acting confident about a really tough question only hides the reality that many of these questions have been wrestled with for centuries. We don't have all of them answered today. Tomorrow is not looking that good either. Join them in the faith journey instead of pretending to be an expert guide.
Every question comes with a story. Never answer a question assuming you know the motivation of the one asking the question. Even if the answer is simple or clear, the issue that caused the question may not be.
"It's a Mystery"is the "Because I said so" of theology. It doesn't answer anything or give anyone any confidence you are thinking either. Don't dismiss a good question with a cliche answer. Yes, some things are mysterious... but work your way to that conclusion, don't lead with it.
We must create an ethos that welcomes questions and the doubt they often reflect. Choosing to not do this doesn't erase doubt or build confidence, it just reinforces pretending and ignorance.

That said... here's some stuff my students are wondering- in no particular order. What about yours?

Why is life so hard?
In our time now, many other religious people date other types of religious people. But say it’s okay…but what about agnostic/atheist people? Is it okay to date them? Or is it completely against the Bible even if they have good morals?
Why do we pray to a God we can’t see?
Is it wrong to defend homosexuality?
How am I supposed to think about divorce?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
There is a really nice guy who asked me to start dating him. He’s not Christian though and is averse to starting a relationship with God. I’m thinking about saying yes…what do you think?
Why does being yourself make you an outcast?
Where did the concept of haloes on angels come from? That’s not in the Bible.
If you commit suicide is it true you won’t go to heaven?
Why is it that teens and adults these days when put into a leadership role, don’t live as a good godly example to others?
Is there life on other planets? Did God only make the earth?
What’s going to happen when the world ends?
Who do so many bad people seen to be doing so well?
No matter what, God still loves us…right?
Why does God stay in heaven…does he stay in heaven because He’s afraid of what He made down here?
Why do some people believe that when you are baptized as an infant that you were saved? Where did that idea come from? Because the Bible says in Romans 10:9 that you have to confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord; and when you are a baby you can’t do that; so how would being baptized as an infant make you saved?
Why does it so consistently seem like God is not there? I’m trying hard to find Him but it doesn’t seem like He is there.
Is Islam evil?
Do you still know who your friends and family are when you get to heaven, or does everybody have a mutual feeling for everyone? Would you love someone you met once on earth the same as you love your family? Is there a difference?
If we ask God to come back as human, would He? Will He ever tell me my purpose? Will I find out? In Genesis, God made people then Adam and Eve, why do we think Adam and Eve are the first humans made? Do I call myself a follower or a Christian?
Since Jesus was a Jew when Jesus comes down like Christians will they go to heaven?
How do I know if God is listening when I pray? Why do we sometimes rush with God? Why can’t we hear God? Why can’t we see God?
Why did God take away my daddy? Why cancer?
I was wondering if you had doubt would you want to achieve what you doubted?
Is any prayer a good prayer?
Do kids in like Africa or some place where people don’t know about God go to Hell? Even if they’ve never heard of him before?
What does the term “God-fearing” mean? God doesn’t seem scary, like he should be feared?
If God is so perfect, why does he get pissed off? Why did he send a flood that wiped out almost everyone, etc?
Psalm 115:3- “our God is in heaven, he does whatever pleases him.” If he does what pleases him, why is there sadness and disaster. Isn’t our God good?
What is holiness? How can I be holy?
Since God created everything and everyone… can he speak to us through secular ideas, art, music, etc?
Is it normal to have ungodly desires?

IN DEFENSE OF THE WORD "SUCK"

2011-09-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get a book published under the title "You Suck: enduring, learning from, and responding to your critics". But I can't get it passed the world of christian publishing. Everyone I pitched it to loves the concept, and the book title is tentatively in the contract, but I can't get it to go- because of one thing: the word "Suck".

I have taught seminars at both the National Youth Workers Convention and the Simply Youth Ministry Conference under the above title and gotten rave reviews from those who came and found the content to be honest, authentic, and helpful. As a youth pastor for the last 17 years, I've had some crazy things said to me from both students and adults and experienced criticism at levels that at times make you just want to quit and become an arborist- cuz plants don't talk back. I wrote an article in this months Group Magazine entitled, "You Suck"- but they edited it to say "You Stink"- I found this out by reading the article. I had a friend of mine get told by the publisher that he had to remove the word "suck" from the inside of his book- like in a single sentence. I recently wrote a magazine article that I wanted titled "I suck at ______ " (I'll leave the rest blank to avoid giving away the article) for a different magazine. They told me they also understood why I titled it that but that it would be offensive to some and cause those same people to not read it or to pass judgment on it for it's shock factor. I've been told "Christian Bookstores" won't stock a book with "suck" in the title and that evidently, a lot of people still buy books in "Christian Bookstores". That thought blew my mind, but ok. My local christian bookstore I think is owned by whoever makes trinkets of all things Max Lucado, Thomas Kinkade paintings, and testamint gum- but that's a different blog post.

REALLY?

Who out there are the rhetoric police on the word "Suck"? Please call yourself out so we can actually talk.

Let me tell you why you should stop banning the word suck.

SOME THINGS SUCK. Vacuums suck. Everyone sucks on straws. Suck is a legitimate verb.

WORDS CHANGE IN MEANING. Ok... even if there ever was a generation that thought the word meant a sexual act, no real walking talking human being today does. Interview 1000 people at the mall and ask them what they think of when they hear the word "suck". My money is on they don't think porn. If you want proof that meaning changes over time, here it is. For some reason which I cannot explain, people felt it ok to at one time shorten Richard to a name that has nothing to do with Richard at all really. I actually cannot write that word on this blog. Why? Because clearly, words must change in meaning. Nobody names their kid this anymore. And no student or adult I know of thinks that the word "suck" has anything to do with the porn industry. They however do think that guys first name does.

SOMETIMES LIFE FLAT OUT SUCKS. Please tell me, what word do you describe the total loss of your home with? What do you say to someone when their car is totaled? What do you call it when a student is diagnosed with cancer? Maybe you call it tragedy or horrible. Most people I know say, "well that just sucks" or "this sucks".

In the end, I don't care if you tell your kids to say sucks or don't. Honestly, we did not teach our 8 year olds to use it in their vocabulary either. But the book in question is not written for 8 year olds. I'm writing a book for adults who know that sometimes, life sucks and know full well what it's like to be told "You Suck". When they are, they also know that no one is speaking of your sexual experiences, but rather your inability to meet their approval.

So there you go. When life hands you lemons, go ahead and call it out. This sucks. Then go make lemonade and suck it down through a straw in protest.

BAPTISM AND KIDS

2011-09-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

There's a fine line between ritual and the sacred. Ritual is all about doing something because you "ought to" or because it's what you're "supposed to do". Sacred is holy. Sacred is something you do because you know you're called to. It is set apart as something different and unique- something that is treasured.

When I was asked to take over the leadership of our kids ministry team, one of the sacred/ritual lines we were faced with evaluating was that of Baptism for kids. We began to ask, "How do we help kids understand baptism in an authentic way? How do we help them to honor and understand a sacred moment and not settle for just a religious experience based on the desires of others?"

We had 3 main concerns:

#1. At what age, can a child actually understand the concept of "symbol"? Baptism in the Scriptures is a symbol, and by definition, it requires abstract thinking skills to comprehend. A child must be able to understand that Baptism symbolizes Jesus' death and resurrection, but does not require them to actually physically die to experience it. It's a complicated concept for a child.

#2. How do we help parents to share in this role, helping their child to embrace baptism without being forced to do that which they are not ready to do out of ritual expectations?

#3. What rules should we set up and at what point are we actually imposing our opinion on a family/child's decision? Like, who are we to tell parents when and how their kid can get baptized? For me, our family has set 10 at the minimum age. Jake has been asking get baptized for 2 years, but we don't think he really understands it yet. In the case of a baptism policy, essentially we were trying to dig for the lowest common denominator- the point where we felt like we were not doing something a kin to solely a parental decision like infant baptism and yet not being some kinda pharisee gate keeper either.

Last weekend was our semi-annual church baptisms. So, here's what we decided for now:

How old? We chose third grade.

What do parents need to know? We wrote this letter.

What do kids need? We made this worksheet that a kid fills out and goes over with their parent.

How about you? Does your church have a policy on this you like that is similar or different?

INVITING STUDENTS TO SPEAK UP

2011-09-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

I grew up on the proclamational form of church. This is where the one on the mic speaks. The crowd listens- usually with notes of some kind that the speaker wrote. I've done ministry like this for literally decades. I still love it sometimes- especially when the communicator and the message are dynamically delivered. But last year, something flipped in me and I said, "this is not working in our high school ministry anymore".

Dynamic messages are not necessarily transformational. It's time to ditch this model for my students.

But if I'm going to stop talking at students and seriously start engaging them in the learning process, then some significant things are going to have to change. If I want to put my money where my mouth is and stop telling students what to think and actually engage them in the process of learning how to think, then this will require some significant shifts. I can no longer delegate an interactive learning style to the small group setting only.

Here's 3 I'm in the midst of:

CREATE SPACE FOR QUESTIONS AND CONVERSATION.

I've never done youth ministry without one staple in my weekend program. It's always been (and still is) called, "the mingle". It's some silly or significant question that students ask/answer during a fairly unstructured conversation space in our program. Sometimes it's about some culture thing like the superbowl. Sometimes it's a light intro to the topic of the hour or so we're together. Currently, it's when we also encourage students to get a drink from our deck cafe and welcome anyone who is new too.

But lately, I've decided that's not cutting it either. So I've added having students engage one another in conversation 3-5 times during a 35 minute talk. Most of the time it's a multiple choice question that is answered in 2 minutes or less. Sometimes it's deep. Sometimes it's silly. I try and make them safe and when asking for deeper stuff, I usually ask them to talk about "teens today" instead of "struggles they each can identify with". But if I don't break up the convo and have students start interacting with one another and the adults around them, then in this season of my student ministry, I'm pretty sure we've missed it.

I don't know that we're there yet, but it's a start. Here's 3 examples of questions I asked last weekend.

INSTIGATE A TENSION TO BE WRESTLED WITH.

I think students get bored with faith because it's predictable- which really isn't faith at all. That's religion- but that's a post for another day. Anyway, one great way to engage them again is to flip a rock over. Play the role of devil's advocate if you will. Again, it's subtle, but this last weekend we did this in 2 ways.

#1. We changed the title of the message from "How do I find God's will for my life?" to "Is God's will worth searching for?" The first is predictable, but the second has a little bit of teeth to it.

#2. After presenting what I thought was an affirmative response and probably a predictable set of answers for why God's will is totally worth searching for.... then I turned the tables. It was the 10 year anniversary of Sept. 11 so I asked this question to create tension and keep them engaged and wrestling.

Then we showed this video. You want to know if that creates some tension and grabs some attention? Yes... yes it does.

DON'T LET ANYONE SIT ALONE.

Lastly, if I don't want students to sit and listen and not engage God or me or anyone in the tension, then I can't let them sit by themselves. We sit around smallish cafe tables already- with like 4-6 students or so at them. But that doesn't stop someone from trying to nab a table to themselves. Which we are slowly trying to outlaw in our ministry. As best we can, we are working to make it totally taboo in our environment to come and be alone in our space.

MY THOUGHTS ON 9/11

2011-09-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

We're in a new series in Encounter called "Say What?" where we are encouraging students to ask hard questions. Real questions that students and pretty much any thinking adult would ask about faith.

Today we asked, among other things, "If God's will is good, and God is all powerful, then why does so much chaos and evil exist in this world?" We wrestled with the dichotomy we find in the Scriptures. We affirmed that God's will is good and that God is all powerful. However we also reminded ourselves that he permits individuals to rebel against that power. This is crazy talk really.

We discussed the power of individuals to shape their own personal kingdom and to decide who will rule in their heart. We talked about the domino effect we all have on one another in those choices and about the danger and ironic subtlety of evil. We reminded one another that Jesus was right- there is a thief that comes to steal and kill and destroy the good things God wants for us. That thief is evil. There is no greater reminder of this in recent history than the events of Sept. 11. Evil put up an international billboard that day saying, "here I am."

On this tenth anniversary of Sept. 11, I'm reminded of a few things along this line. I remember very distinctly driving to work when my intern told me to turn on my radio. I remember listening in my office and going home to watch the events of the day unfold on TV. I remember wrestling as a church about how to respond and I remember being angry and confused. I was angry that someone could do this. I was confused as to how this could be even remotely good. I was not in a good place. So, looking back on it, here's 3 things I've concluded on this 10th anniversary.

LEADERSHIP IS MOST NEEDED IN CRISIS. Leaders prove whether they are about leadership or just about position when crisis occurs. When things are not going well, leadership shows it's true colors. The events of 9-11 caused those with a leadership calling to clearly rise to the top. When my family or ministry and friendships are in crisis, my true leadership colors shine- for better or for worse.

GOD DOES NOT PROMISE ME A LONG LIFE. This was the hardest piece for me to wrestle to the ground at 29. A lot of people who died that day did so without achieving what I thought God should give to those who love him. A lot of kids lost their parent. I was not prepared for that to be me. Truth is, a lot of believers died 10 years ago today. This fact messed me up for quite some time and forced me to re-examine my Bible and to go seeking for answers. As I studied and prayed and wrestled, I was reminded then and am reminded again today, that while God may promise me eternal life, there is nothing saying that this side of eternity will grant me any number of days. My days are not numbered by me and following Jesus with my life does not ever promise me I won't be on a plane or in a building when a crisis like this occurs.

NORMAL IS OVERRATED. Normal- quite frankly- sucks. The sad reality is that on Sept 12, we were a better people in the United States that we were on Sept. 10. We worked together. We cared about one another. We were patient and gracious and loving. We looked out for our kids together and created neighborhood watch programs. We were a better people. I'm not sure when, but somewhere along the way, we gradually warmed back up to normal again- probably back to Sept 10 relationships. Maybe the airport check in will never go back, but a lot of people have. But I'd rather live in Sept 12 reality than a Sept 10 one. I don't want to live in normal. I'm just praying it won't take a crisis in my life to remind me of this truth.

FOUR THINGS EVERY TEEN NEEDS IN A MENTOR

2011-09-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

Several times this week in conversations with other adults, I've brought up something that we have taught our summer camp counselors for years. It is that as mentors, we need to wear at least 4 different hats or roles as we invest in students. Sometimes these hats shift in a moments notice, sometimes they go in seasons. But nonetheless, we all need to be all four at various times.

PASTOR: this is the role when you're the spiritual advisor. You're directing them back to God's Word, the leading of the Holy Spirit, and how faith might play into their life at this juncture. Every Christian parent, mentor, and coach wears this hat when they guide their child or player into the image of God. When we delegate this hat to only those with this as their professional title, we abdicate the power of God in us to shape the life of a student.

PAL: everyone loves this role. It's what sometimes a younger leader working with teens may default to. It's mistakenly seen as the goal quite often. However while it's not the summation of what a mentor is striving to be for a student, there is great wisdom in being a trusted confidant and friend. The pal role is fun, it's just not the only role we have.

PARENT: even if your'e not actually the parent, you're sharing the wisdom of life. This is what parents do. Parents provide and protect for their kids, often relying on the wisdom of their own experience to guide their actions. When a mentor shares their "been there, done that" wisdom with a student so that they can move their life towards a preferred future, they are acting like a loving parent. Every student needs this kind of wisdom from their mentor.

POLICEMAN: no offense to cops- but in mentoring, no one really likes this role. It's the "I'm sorry, but you can't do that" role. It's the "because I said so" statement of a parent. It's the laying down of the law, the correction of the wrong doer, and the disher-outer of consequences. It's not fun, but it's also not negotiable in leadership. Every loving mentor has to draw lines and say, "I'm sorry, but if you want to do that, I can't go there in support of that with you."

So, if you're a mentor of any kind, here's a couple of questions to process these roles:

1. Which role do you most naturally default to? What does that tell you about your own passions?

2. What is the hardest role for you to embrace? What steps do you need to take to increase your effectiveness in that area?

3. Can you think of specific times when you've had to wear one of these hats for a season? How do you know which role is most needed and when?

JUGGLING MARRIAGE, FAMILY, AND MINISTRY

2011-09-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I had the privilege of hanging out with Kurt and Jake- two friends who work for Saddleback Church about 2 hours North of us. We've known one another for years now, crossing paths from time to time at conferences and training events for youth ministry. They are now filming a weekly podcast through Simply Youth Ministry- the same publisher that I'm currently in the process of writing a book for that is due out in early 2012.

It's entitled "As for Me and My [Crazy] House. - guarding your heart, marriage, and family from the demands of ministry"

So that, among other things, led them to call and ask me if I would be a guest on their show and talk about this juggling act we all do in ministry. Since I was local enough, I drove up and hung out with them for about a 20 minute interview and some chattin' off camera afterwards.

It was tons of fun and a joy to do. It's "Episode 6- released Sept 4, 2011" and if you want to give the interview a listen, here's 3 ways you can do that:

#1. Subscribe or download the video here on itunes.

#2. Subscribe or download the audio here on itunes.

#3. Skip itunes and watch it directly on their website here: simply youth ministry show. Fast forward to minute 12 or so if you wanna just cut to my interview.

If you give it a listen, I'd love to hear your thoughts and perspective on the issue too.

SO YOU WANNA BE A SMALL GROUP LEADER IN STUDENT MINISTRY

2011-09-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

YES! I'm so glad.

Here's what you need to know if you wanna volunteer in our student ministries... [besides the fact that WE ARE SO EXCITED to hear this and besides the fact that we NEED YOU] you should also know that:

YES IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME AND PREP. No, you don't have to do all the work yourself. We give you everything you need to prep in 30 minutes so you can spend all the rest of your minutes loving on Students and helping them study their Bible as they connect their life with God and your small group. But it does take some time and devotion to be fulfilling.

WE NEED A LITTLE COMMUNICATION.

HOW'S IT GOING? just keep us in the loop so we can pray and help you. E-mail, txt, carrier pigeon, note pinned to your kid's shirt... u name it... we're good with it.
TEAMWORK ROCKS... especially when you communicate with you co-leader and agree on a plan. Then communication is really quite lovely- like English tea and crumpets.
DATABASE STUFF... we'll teach you, but it's a cool online resource we have to connect you easily with the life of your small group. Oh you're gonna love this communication tool. It's so easy a freshman can do it.
IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT A STUDENT... especially if you think there's abuse or danger that needs professional or special attention, let us help you make the right choice. You don't have to stress or go it alone. Communicate your concerns with us.
WITH FAMILIES... You'd be surprised how much you might understand and know how to help a student by understanding their family life. So don't hang up on mom, ask her about her day. She'll send you flowers for Christmas... I swear it's true.

KNOW YOU'RE PASTORING TEENS... and we're super proud of you for stepping up. We want you to know we believe that the pastoral role is not a position certain people hold, but instead the calling God places on a Believer's life. We believe we are all called to be a priesthood of believers and you're a key part of that. So thank you so much for stepping up and stepping into that calling.

GET RID OF THAT SUPERHERO SMALL GROUP LEADER GUILT TRIP. No, we do not issue tights, underpants, boots, capes, and super tight shirts to our small group leaders. It would cause the students to be distracted by our beauty and because it's ridiculous. You have a life. Live it. Let your small group be part of it, not the whole of it. It's ok to say no and to not do everything. So shut down that voice that says you don't have what it takes and comes serve with us.

There you go. If you want to volunteer in our guys or girls small groups, then e-mail "brian at journeycom dot org" and we'll get you dialed in.

If you want to just steal our official list of small group leader requirements for your fridge or for your own youth ministry because this post way inspired you... Well you can download the pdf right here.

FOUR REASONS WE DO SMALL GROUPS

2011-09-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

We had our small group leader training last night for our middle and high school ministry. It's always a couple weeks before the launch of small groups and each time we do it, we tweak it a little. We have new ministry changes to communicate and a variety of things that are important to us that we communicate to them.

I'll take the next 3 blog posts to unload a few of the things we pass out.

Here's FOUR REASONS WE DO SMALL GROUPS. What are yours?

QUESTIONS: Small groups are a great place for students to express their doubts and ask their questions about faith. A good leader is one who flips a faith rock over and causes students to wrestle with the real questions of life. If our small groups are not asking the hard questions, they're missing a huge piece of their potential. This requires intentionality on the leaders part, asking wise questions, and giving students enough time to both think and ask their own.

IDENTITY: Our church and our student ministries are too large for everyone to be known by everyone. So, small groups are an intentional space for our students know and be known by a few. Small groups are a place where people can truly know they matter and their story has a place in God's Kingdom.

BONDING: There is nothing like a shared experience for bonding. When you share food, stories, activities, and life together, small groups thrive and students bond. Small groups can and should be fun spaces for students to grow.

SPIRITUAL GROWTH: The best place for us to consistently and specifically impact the life of a student in regards to their spiritual development is through small groups. The chances we have to consistently encourage and challenge a student to continue to grow in their faith are unparalleled in our ministry through this context.

THE PROBLEM WITH ORGANIZED ANYTHING

2011-08-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm currently coaching 2 of my 5 kid's soccer teams. This means that I'm at practice at 4:15pm twice a week to set up the field and get ready to coach 19 players for 3 1/2 hours. We practice in the outfield of several baseball fields at a local school.

And every time I show up to run practice, sometimes even on each of the 3 fields, there is a dad with a bucket of baseballs playing catch, practicing pitching, doing batting practice, and working his son one-on-one to improve his game.

I love this. I really do. Every time I walk by I want to high five the Dad for investing in his kid and making time to play catch. Their are literally thousands of Dad's like them NOT doing that.

But I also want to ask, "What are you doing?"

Where are all your kids friends? Are you playing baseball with your kid or coaching your kid so that he can play baseball in a jersey? It's odd to me that gone are the days of 8 kids playing whiffle ball in the street after school. You can't play soccer anymore in America without a net, a coach, jerseys, and a referee. I'm convicted of this every time I watch those Dad's coach. Why don't I play ball with my kids more outside of soccer season? Sometimes I wonder if we've organized the fun right out of playing sports. The sandlot picked on this trend pitting the backyard poor kids against the organized rich ones.

And the truth is, we've organized the life out of a lot of stuff. I think we've done it with Sports. I think we've also done it with "Organized Religion" too. Ask the average person on the beach in San Diego- I do it every summer- and you'll find they have a distaste for "organized religion". Call it what you want, but they're at least partially right in their distaste. As one who works full time in an church, I know that when people gather to truly worship God, that's an awesome, and often life-altering experience. However, when people won't worship God with their money, life, relationships, or words unless they are in the church... then we're worshipping the organization and not the God it is meant to point people to.

Organized anything has all kinds of dangers. Here's three I want to become more and more leary of...

ORGANIZATION DEPENDENT ACTION: When people are waiting for the organization to move before they do, it's backwards. Organizations should not shape people, people should shape the organization. You don't need a sports organization to legitimize your sport or a church to make your small group Bible study official or a club to make your hobby successful. Just go change the world.

ORGANIZATION LIMITING RED TAPE: I almost lost my job once for using a sound system off our church campus that was not allowed to leave the church campus. I saw no reason for it to sit idle in a closet while I rented one to use in a school gym, so I just broke the "rules" and took it. I got in a lot of trouble for it. But when the rules of an organization stifle the life of the organization, it's time to cut the tape.

ORGANIZATION DEFINED SUCCESS: Organizations are notorious for deciding success based on a set of criteria, often numbers based. I actually think numbers matter, but they do not equal success. When an organization begins to be the guardian of the definition of success, there is great danger of us notoriously missing the point. Before you know it, you worship your quantitative criteria instead of the qualitative and often more significant changes.

BEFORE YOU GO CHASING DOWN THAT PROBLEM

2011-08-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

After ever Sunday of ministry, I'm left with several questions:

So what? Did that make a difference?
Did anybody decide anything that will matter?
Are there any problems I need to solve?
What do we need to do differently next week?
Should I keep my job?

Ok.. that last one was mostly a joke. Mostly. I confess that a lot of Sundays, my mind plays tricks on me and I wonder if what I'm doing matters. Sometimes I get discouraged by the crowd. Sometimes I think of stuff I would have done different if I could do it over but it's too late. Sometimes I'm my own worst critic. Sometimes other people give me lots of help. But in the end, working with teens is both a joy and gut wrenchingly hard. There is so much at stake and I feel like what we do really really matters. I can't afford to suck at it. WE can't afford to suck at it.

So in the pursuit of excellence, I've had to decide some stuff to ignore and some stuff not to ignore. So, before you go chasing down that problem or quitting your job, here's a few things to consider.

GOSSIP IS GOSSIP. Ignore it or you'll become part of it. Don't fall into the trap of chasing down every thing students say or that you hear students say. Most of it will just burn itself out, so let students be students and leave it alone.

DISCOURAGEMENT IS NOT FROM THE LORD. God may correct, but he never cuts. If you can't see the good the correction is pointing to, question it hard before you heed it.

DON'T MESS WITH THE SEEDS. When you teach, let it sit for several days before inspecting it. Wait to see what God does with it. Sometimes, when I think stuff impacted no one, a couple of days will go by and some student will say or do something profound and I'll have to apologize to God for my dumb doubt. If you go inspecting the seeds you planted you risk uprooting the ones that fell on really good soil. Just plant and sow God's Word and leave it alone. Let the Holy Spirit water it.

CHASE IT IF IT THREATENS YOUR REPUTATION. If your in youth ministry, then your reputation is the bank account from which you write credibility checks. About the only fire I will chase down without hesitation and put out is the one that threatens my integrity. If someone starts spreading division and lies about you, then don't write an e-mail and don't call them, just go find them and have a conversation ASAP.

ASK SOMEONE YOU TRUST. Before you call something a success or label it a failure, run it by someone who was in it and whose opinion you really respect. Find someone who loves you and loves God and is in it with you. Then ask them for their honest feedback.

Those are my thoughts. What are yours?

CORE VALUES FLUSHED OUT

2011-08-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about brainstorming our core values and how we processed them with our team. A while back I wrote about how I was no longer interested in asking my volunteers to sign a commitment of behaviors. I want them to sign onto values and beliefs that necessitate certain behaviors and rule out others.

So we flushed out with our generation ministries staff team (those working with infants thru 29 yr olds) a set of statements that we then boiled down to 9 words and then expanded again in a few sentences for clarity. Here's what we're asking our generation ministries volunteers to stack hands on this fall. It's still in process and may continue to be word-smithed, but here's what we've come up with so far. If you haven't wrestled with why you do what you do in a while, maybe this will spur you on to ponder it and create your own set of ministry values to rally your team around.

_________________________________________________
TRINITY
We believe and teach the Biblical truth that God is mysteriously triune. We embrace the plan of the Father, the sacrifice and example of Jesus, and encourage obedience and attention to the voice of the Holy Spirit. Our love for God is our primary motivation and our first loyalty.

JOURNEY
We are a unified body, supportive of, and integral with the work God is doing in and through the greater community of Jesus followers and the local body at JCC. It is mission critical that we are supportive of all JCC ministries, attending weekend adult services, and are invested in a common vision.

COMPASSION
We are a grace filled community, accepting failure as part of the learning process and loving others before ourselves. Understanding we are all in process and there is no fast track to discipleship, we humbly listen to one another and work together to become who God is calling us to be.

ENCOURAGEMENT
We strive to create spaces that reflect a positive attitude and seek opportunities to cheer one another on in our pursuit of Christlikeness.

LAUGHTER
Loving God is not a burden. Laughter is good for the body and the soul and a gift from God. We work to creatively and intentionally create spaces for joy and laughter.

RELEVANCY
We teach and interact in age appropriate ways. We seek to be relevant in all ways in our teaching methods and plans, encouraging this generation to learn how to think intelligently about the intersection of faith and daily life. In this, we want to teach them how to think first, learning what that changes second.

COMMUNICATION
We value regular communication. We don’t bury our problems or ignore our responsibilities. We strive to communicate clearly and graciously with one another as we address conflict and cast vision. We are committed to mutual accountability and authenticity, talking directly to one another and avoiding gossip.

OWNERSHIP
We own this ministry as a part of our calling from God. We are committed to what we say we will do, regularly showing up and performing our responsibilities in a God-honoring way.

SAFETY
We believe it is our responsibility to create spaces that are both physically safe from predators and unnecessary risk, but also spiritually safe spaces where all phases of spiritual development are encouraged.

A VALUES BRAINSTORMING IDEA THAT WORKED

2011-08-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

We had a kids ministry volunteer training last night. My goal was to introduce some rallying points around some core values we wanted to introduce. But our paid staff had already come up with our "core values" so I wanted to give the volunteers a chance to own and create them too. So to set the stage, we did a brainstorming activity and it ended up being fun an very encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you. If you're a youth pastor or a small group leader or teacher... it might work in some context for you too.

Here's what we did. First, we brainstormed 2 questions:

What do you love about kids ministry?
What are the needs kids have at JCC on the weekend?

To do this, I wrote two words on two giant tablets. For the first question, we used "ORANGE", the name of our curriculum company as an acrostic to create the list. To answer the second question, we used our church name, "JOURNEY". We had them do this as a table group first and then we kinda fought for our best ideas to make the master list. It created laughter and enthusiasm and a bit of tension which was awesome.

Here's what they came up with.

What they love about kids ministry:

what they think kids need when they come to JCC on the weekend:

It inspired all of us to be creative, created an environment of ownership, and was collaborative. It made for a perfect intro to our core values. It really couldn't have gone better in my opinion. It was a great team building activity that was easy to prep and very effective. I'm gonna do it again in some other environments I lead too.

HOW DO YOU PLAN OUT YOUR YEAR?

2011-08-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Week by week?
Month by month?
Quarter by quarter?

This question gets asked a lot in ministry and while there may be very good reasons for a variety of methods, I think that as youth pastors in particular, we have a lot of work to do in this area. As a group we have a reputation for predominantly being young, flying by the seat of our pants, doing administration poorly, dropping details, and a general lack of planning. It makes us hard to work with, difficult to get volunteers for, and constantly rushed. Like all stereotypes, this reputation is both true of some and not of others. But bottom line, when it is true, it is just plain unprofessional.

I'm not perfect at this, but it is a passion of mine. I've written and taught a seminar on this at YS for several years now, though it's not offered this year, I'm stoked that it made it onto the radar of the questions being asked at slant 33 this year.

Here's 3 responses from 3 guys in the trenches. One from Josh Griffin, one from Lars Rood, and my own experience in how we get r done. I think it's worth your read and would love your comments.

You can read our responses here.

GETTING TO THE REAL QUESTIONS STUDENTS ARE ASKING

2011-08-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

As a youth pastor and a Dad I have an underlying principal that guides me in both those roles. It's this: "I want to teach them how to think, not what to think."

But despite my passion for it, that's going to remain a nice t-shirt motto unless I'm really intentional about it. So, if it rings true to you and that's what you want to do as a parent or youth leader too, here's a few reminders for both of us.

YOU'RE NOT SAFE: As a default, your role has made you unapproachable. Ok, maybe you're an aces parent and super cape wearing youth leader, but everyone around you is not. So that means that the title has baggage. If you want students to ask real questions then they need multiple places to ask those questions from lots of mentors and voices. Student will tell parents some things they won't tell youth leaders and friends some things they won't tell either and stuff they'll tell youth leaders they won't tell anyone else and around it goes. It takes a community. We must find and create one if we want real questions asked.

FOSTER DOUBT: You and I don't have all the answers- to anything. So, if you want students to ask questions, then share some of your own. Play the role of devil's advocate and flip a theological rock over every now and again. Ask some hard questions like "So, why would you pray to a God you can't see?" or "If God can control an earthquake, then is God unloving when one kills hundreds of thousands of men, women, and kids?" Dig in and dig in deep. If we don't create spaces where we can doubt and wrestle with real questions, we'll only be teaching them what to think and not helping them learn how to think. Be ok with the unknown and the hard questions.. go digging for both. It's where the real spiritual growth lies.

PROVIDE ANONYMOUS QUESTION CARDS: I'm always amazed at what students will write down and ask me in a group of 10 or 100, that they won't ask directly. Our church staff even uses "anonymous question cards" when tough issues come up so people who ask what they're really wondering. This is both weird and understandable to me. I really want safe places but I also have to acknowledge that 99% of environments are not safe from judgment and the fear of ridicule. We did this again last Sunday and I've decided a staple in my student ministry from here out will be anonymous question cards that students can write down and we'll periodically address in youth group.

MEET ONE ON ONE: If you want to become safe, then there's no substitute for relationship. There's also no fast track to relationship. If I could challenge you to do just one thing on this list it'd be this. One on one times with my kids or students are the best way to foster and ask questions. They are the best time for me to both strive to become safe and to dig for deeper questions. They also don't just happen and are rarely initiated by students or my kids. If I want them to be a priority, then they must be my priority and be intentionally sought out.

CONFESSIONS OF A BAD MEAL PRAYER

2011-08-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

This week my church is launching a week of prayer and it got me thinking about praying before meals. I confess: I'm not the best at praying before meals.

As a kid I grew up and we prayed a memorized prayer before dinner. In our home today, we don't pray a memorized prayer, but we pretty much only pray before the dinner meal. We take turns and now our kids kinda lobby for who gets to pray. Maybe it's cuz at dinner, you have to wait for everyone to be served and us to pray before you eat. I dunno. At breakfast, lunch, or any other meal, you can just dive in once you get what you get. Don't ask me why it is, it just is. Welcome to our weird world of eating at the kitchen table in the Berrytribe.

I'm not even really sure why we do this as Christians, but evidently, you're supposed to pray before meals. Sometimes it's awkward when I'm with someone, cuz I never know their conviction level on this one. And there's this weird moment where you're not sure if you're supposed to just eat or wait or what.

But, here's my observations on prayer time at meals and the variations I've seen.

BUMPER STICKER PRAYER:
"Rubadub dub, thanks for the grub. Let's eat."

CLASSIC MEMORIZED PRAYER:

"Please bless this food to our bodies and our lives to your service, Amen."

PRIVATE RESTAURANT PRAYER:

I don't know how this one goes, but before you eat, you're supposed to hold your fork in your hand or fold your hands, then bow your head over your food, close your eyes, and not say anything anyone can hear but show them you're not eating yet either.

TOAST TO GOD PRAYER:

I was introduced to this prayer by a friend of mine. I use it in restaurants a lot. It's where everyone at the table grabs their glass, and instead of offering a "toast" to someone at the table, you offer one to God. You thank him for the food and for being at your table and then everyone taps glasses. Then you eat.

THANK YOU BABY JESUS PRAYER:
I guess you can thank Will Ferrell for this one.

GROCERY STORE PRAYER:
There are two varieties of this prayer that I'm aware of. First, there's the family that just prays over all the food they bring into their house from the grocery store and then, calls it all blessed. You can also pray over the entire grocery store and help other sacrilegious families out while you're at it I suppose :) The other variation on this is evidently buying "preblessed food".

Which does your family do?

A NEW DAY IN MY WORLD

2011-08-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

My oldest son, TJ went to his first day of high school today.

I've worked with high school students in the church for 17 years as a full-time youth pastor and now I finally have one in my house. It's weird, exciting, faith stretching, and perspective warping already.

So, here's some initial conclusions I have staring down tunnel of parenting, knowing the next 4 years will be like a blur:

I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT MAXIMIZING THESE NEXT 4 YEARS.
Today I re-uped my commitment to deeply care about the student ministry we are doing at our church. It has always mattered to me, but for obvious reasons, the reality of what's at stake has a new face for me. I re-uped my commitment to meeting weekly one-on-one with TJ like we've done the last 3 years. I re-uped my commitment as a Dad to make the sacrifice and investment it will take to invest my best time into the privilege of parenting.

I'M ACUTELY AWARE THAT TODAY MARKS A NEW DECADE FOR US.
For the next 10 years, the Berrytribe will have at least one of our kids in high school. Wow. That's a lot of high school years ahead of us. At year 6, we'll have a senior, a sophomore, and 2 freshman in our house. HAAA!

I'M NO LONGER "TELLING PARENTS HOW TO DO WHAT I'M NOT DOING".
I've worked hard for 2 decades to be in that place. I've apologized and backpedaled my way out of giving advice to parents of high school students because I have not done it. Even 10 years from now, I won't have some magic wand or be able to give advice without the humble truth that I don't hold the answers to to the task of parenting teens. But with every passing day of the next 3650, my credibility as a pastor who is walking in a high school parent's shoes, for better or for worse, will only increase.

DANG, TIME FLIES.
I know everyone says this, but I swear, my son was born yesterday. 14 years went WAAAAAY too fast. My youngest will be freshmen tomorrow. I gotta continue to freeze me some moments in time.

I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE TO QUIT ON THIS DAY
For years I thought that this day would mark a day that I might need to bow out of youth group. In an effort to give my own high school students the space to own their faith, I thought I might need to call it a day on this day. But after a summer of ministry together, I'm even more committed to doing life with my own high school students while leading with them in the risk and faith filled experience we call Student Ministry. Today was truly a new day on the job for me.

Pray it up people. My family needs a decade of your help and a 5 fold dose of grace from the Lord on this one.

IF YOU HAVE A TOILET...

2011-08-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

... then you are blessed.

Don't believe your flushing toilet makes you blessed?

Water.org reports that more people in the world have access to a cell phone than a toilet.

I believe it. In early July I was in Haiti with our students. I saw people with cell phones in tent cities with no toilets. I watched kids in an orphanage use a hole in the ground because they had no flushing toilet. In Uganda I watched people walk into mud huts in the most remote of villages on Lake Victoria and have a cell phones, but no toilets. The first time I met my now daughter Becky, she was peeing in a field, which is normal... cuz there are no toilets in fields!

Then a few weeks ago I was traveling the country to go camping with my kids and I was reminded that in the United States, we have toilets everywhere. We have toilets in houses. We have toilets in restaurants and gas stations and stores. We have toilets in campgrounds and in fields in the forrest and no joke....

... we even have toilets on the side of the road. Yup. On the side of the road, on all kinds of roads, we have places to pull your car over, sit in the shade, and poop in private on some multi-thousand dollar pooping spot.

Seriously? Seriously!

2 weeks ago I was in the middle of butt-crack-nowhere Nevada... I swear, we passed one car every hour headed south east on hwy 140 headed out of butt-crack-nowhere Oregon and was like 120 miles outside of Winnemucca. Trust me, 120 miles outside of Winnemucca, Nevada is the definition of butt-crack-nowhere.

And of course, one of my kids in the back seat tells me they have to poop. I tell them, "Well, I have bad news for you. We're in the middle of nowhere and it's gonna be 2 hours before you can poop in anything remotely resembling a toilet." Truth is, you could poop behind a different sage bush for the rest of your life on the road side where we were and never hit the same one twice and never be caught doing it either. There is nothing and no one out here.

Then, I kid you not, we came around the corner and there was a "rest stop". I laughed out loud! I couldn't believe my eyes. I'm on a 2 lane road used by 15 people a month and there's a rest stop with toilets that someone has to drive out and stock with toilet paper, clean, and pump poop out of. There was a shade cover thing and a section of road to park your car on. Even a picnic table!

Unbelievable. I drove almost 2500 miles through 9 states, never dodged a pothole, and stopped at roadside toilets so Americans don't have to pee in "public". Try that in Haiti or Uganda or Mexico or... 100 other countries in the world.

Wow. We're stupid blessed. If you don't believe me. Go without a toilet for a week. Or better yet, just drive across the United States counting public toilets.

THANKS FOR TAKING US CAMPING

2011-08-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

If my kids said it once, they said it 50 times on our 14 day road trip this summer. "Thanks for taking us camping Dad." As a Dad, I think it's the best thing we do for our family all year.

This summer was our longest road trip yet: almost 2500 miles, touching 9 states, 3 campgrounds (Trinity Lake in CA; Yellowstone/Grand Tetons in WY; & Zion in UT), and having a ton of fun with friends and family along the way. With TJ heading into high school this year, it really feels like the countdown has begun. We have only so much time as a family before life starts getting really complicated with schedules and agendas. I'm more committed than ever to not waste these next 10 or so years. This is the last decade until everyone turns 18 in our home. Crazy how time flies. I'm gonna do everything I can to put on the brakes and make trips and experiences like these a must every break I can find.

You can take a gander at this slice of heaven in these pictures below. They pretty much tell the story. But whether you're a camping family or not, here's a couple of reminders I took away from our family vacation.

There's no substitute for time spent. You can't rush impact on your kids. Influence comes slow through methodical and consistent time spent over the long haul.

Intentionality and sacrifice is required. Even if impact can come in spur of the moment times, it was planning that put my family on a road trip. It took time, money, effort, sacrifice, and focus to pull this experience off. We decided to do this and the investment was beyond worth it. But I can't assume I will influence my kids or impact their lives by accident. I must be intentional about it.

There's something awesome about getting away in nature. No cell phones. No internet. Just the beauty of God's creation and the joy of spending time in some of the most beautiful country on the planet. Really, we have an epic opportunity to experience nature in San Diego and in the State and National Parks around us. It is so healthy and needed for my family to spend ample time in them. It's good for all our souls.

Smiles and experiences like these are priceless. I'm so thankful for this memory.

SOME GREAT STUFF AHEAD

2011-08-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

This has been a great summer. 3 weeks of straight ministry camp and missions followed by 2 weeks of family road trip made for great memories. More on that in future posts.

But as awesome as the summer was, I think this fall might be even more so. I'm excited for some new changes we're making to small groups in Encounter. I'm excited for new freshman. I'm excited for some new members on our team. I'm excited to start coaching soccer again for 2 of my kids. I'm excited for some writing and teaching opportunities I have coming up.

MAGAZINE ARTICLES: I'm still writing a magazine article for Group every 2 months. It's called Family Matters and I just renewed my contract for the coming year too. Each article is about life in ministry with a family. I wrote a longer article for the September issue too as a teaser dealing with the subject of another book I'm working on for them about Criticism: enduring, learning from, and responding to your critics.

I started doing a little writing for "Immerse Journal" as well and have an article coming out in the September/October issue dealing with taking care of your own soul.

BOOK I'M WORKING ON CURRENTLY: I'm also in contract for a book due out sometime in February 2012 I think on the ministry and family subject. It's called, "As for Me and My (Crazy) House: learning to protect your heart, marriage, and family from the demands of ministry". I'm stoked about it and start crankin on my due dates this week.

ONLINE CONVO I'M PART OF: Today launched a new and re-vamped website called "Slant 33". I'm part of a team of contributors who will each answer a question. The questions publish regularly and have 3 different responses or views from ministry professionals on each topic. Should be a great read. I'm looking forward to both reading and contributing this year.

CONFERENCES I'M TEACHING AT: This fall, I'm teaching at two conferences for youth pastors.
One is the National Youth Workers conference in San Diego September 30-October 2, 2011.

I'll be teaching or participating in 3 different learning environments this year:

(1) A panel discussion called Retreat Planning 101

(2) Seminar called: Say No to the Status Quo: Declaring War on Extended Adolescence and Casual Christianity

Here's the brief description on that one: You don't have to be very observant or very well read to know that adolescence has moved from a life stage to a lifestyle and that students are leaving their faith behind as they head into their twenties. This workshop will challenge us to look into how we're structuring our ministries in ways that might be perpetuating the problem and develop some solid theological and practical solutions to putting a stop to this common trend.

(3) Panel discussion on the Future of Youth Ministry with Josh Griffin, Matt McGill and Mark Oestreicher.

YS made lots of changes to this years format. You can see my new boss, Tic Long, explaining some of it in this more awesome video :)

Another conference I'll be joinin is called "Recess" and is hosted at the Mt. Hermon Conference grounds at Ponderosa Lodge in the Santa Cruz mountains.

October 9-11, 2012 is a weekend of training for those who live within driving distance of Mt. Hermon. It's gonna be a great 2 1/2 days of play, training, conversations, and team building. Josh Fox is leading worship and I'm teaching along with Duffy Robbins. Super excited about being part of this new venture.

3 cheers for a full fall.

PICTURES, SHOVELS, AND THE POWER OF VISUALS

2011-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back from 6 weeks of out of town, out of state, out of country, and/or out of the office ministry and family summer experiences and I think it's time to pick up bloggin' again. I'm sure my readership is down to like 12, but to those of you who are still around, let the bonding begin. :)

I came home to dive full into several days jam packed with meetings and then 2 days of attending the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit. It's like a leadership fire hose of information and inspiration that always gives my own soul and those of our pastoral team tons to think about.

Today was no exception to that rule. Bill Hybels inspired me to make hard decisions. Cory Booker challenged me to let the hope of Jesus inspire me to see the world through hope colored glasses and to "do sumpin" about it. Seth Godin reminded me that the future is not determined by the economy, but by my own willingness to see every shift in our cultural tide as an opportunity to be seized by someone- who might as well be me. Steven Furtick inspired me to believe God for all he has promised and to act in faith, especially when it makes no sense at all.

But as much as I loved those lectures/talks/presentations/sermons... the thing that stood out to me again today was the power of a visual illustration in communication.

Bill Hybels used a flip chart to draw pictures and enhance his talk.
Cory Booker used the power of story with vivid details to invoke images in my brain.
Seth Godin used over 100 pictures to support his points, invoke laughter, and inspire the listener to never look down. Really, it was masterful.
Steven Furtick spoke about a passage in 2 kings 3 and challenged us to follow Elisha's lead and dig some ditches. You'd have to listen to the talk or read the passage to get the gist of it. But the power of his message was not just what he said, but what he used to make it stick. He pounded home just one visual. One principal that was solidly rooted in one image from the text. It was the image of someone with a shovel digging a ditch. Lots of ditches in fact. He never showed a picture or even brought a shovel on stage. But it either one would have been even more powerful.

In the end, I bet that if you asked anyone who heard the lectures today, each and every one of them without fail could tell you the visual tools used by these communicators. Not only was I inspired by their message, but I was reminded of the power of their method. Steven said that he wished he could give everyone a shovel today as they left his talk, but that it would cost too much. The point was made. When those in the audience think about a shovel, they'll think about digging faithfully where God calls before it makes sense to anyone but those who heard the call.

I think I might just go buy a shovel and stick it in the corner of my office as a reminder. Maybe I'll carry it around on days I need BIG faith shoes. I did just that after I heard Jeanne Stevens speak at the National Youth Worker's conference in San Diego last year. She told about the power of a "chainsaw faith" out of Mark 2 and the friends who ripped a hole in the roof of a house to get the paralytic to Jesus. I bought a chainsaw as a reminder. It was epic and I rarely forget a great visual.

I love communicators that engage my mind, my ears, and my eyes.

BLOGGIN' AND SILENCE

2011-06-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well, for the last 6 months I've written 5 times a week on this blog and I'm heading into a very busy summer. Tomorrow, I'm going to the desert for a spiritual retreat with 2 friends in ministry for a day of prayer and thinking in the calm before the storm.

Here's what the next 6 weeks holds for me:

ANNIVERSARY: I'll be heading away to celebrate my 17 year anniversary to my lovely bride and do a wedding for some friends in San Luis Obispo.

CAMP AND MISSIONS TRIP: a week of summer camp with our high school and college students will be then followed by a week of missions in Haiti- literally 3 hours after the first camp ends.

SUMMER CAMP FOR THE KIDS: I'll be spending a week with my kids doing summer camp for kids at Journey.

CAMPING WITH MY FAMILY: I'm heading to 5 states with my family on a big ol 2 week road trip: doing a wedding and camping in Nor Cal while water skiing with friends, camping and bonding in Yellowstone, and then camping and hiking at Zion in Utah.

So... the next time I'll pick up this blog again with any measure of regularity will be early August. Welcome to my crazy summer and to my faithful few readers... see you in the fall. Enjoy your summer. :)

FIELD TRIP DAD

2011-06-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite and most privileged roles in life is that of Dad, and in our house, along with it comes the role of "field trip Dad". As a result, over the last 6 years of having several of my kids in elementary school, I've been to over 20 field trips in San Diego. I've seen the same aquarium, the zoo, the park, sea world, and mission trails multiple times. I've sat on yellow buses enough that I have the pre-trip speech memorized and I even know to be quiet when the teacher raises their hand and starts the finger count down. I can pack a mean brown bag lunch with only stuff you throw away when you're done and have used my God-given whistle to grab the attention of the crew for the teacher on many an occasion.

About 75% of the time, it's me and a bunch of moms, so I usually just stick with my kid and whatever group of their friends I'm responsible for to avoid the latest mom gossip. My joke with my wife is that I'm trying to avoid the dreaded "mom thong" sighting that happens far too often when at the tide pools or any other field trip that has mom's bending over to show a kid an animal and the rest of us her choice of undees. I'm just sayin'.... way too much info ladies.

Anyway, last week was the last field trip of Tyler's elementary school career. I wrote about it here in a guest post on my friend Doug Field's blog. The "cliche" phrase that "time does fly" might be the most truthful cliche in the world. Dang it. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about all the stages we've passed and how few seem to really still be ahead of me. I love my kids but their fast becoming young men and women.... too fast really.

Somehow, each time I went, I started snapping a "my kid and I" pic. I surfed through my photo pile and found a grip of them. I created an album in facebook of them for friends here.

In case you can't view those and in honor of my kids and Dad's day weekend, I grabbed the last 4 and put them here. Thanks for making my life richer than it should be TJ, Tyler, Jake, Becky and Billy. You each are a treasure.

MAKING THE MOST OF MINISTRY OBLIGATION.

2011-06-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

I told you yesterday that I'm not the hugest fan of graduation ceremonies. Both of my boys who are graduating were also giving speeches. They both did GREAT!! I really couldn't be prouder of TJ and Tyler. Then today, shortly after TJ's speech, i got this twitter from Danny, a friend of mine who is also a youth pastor at local church in our community: "congratulations. TJ did a great job with his speech. You should be one proud dad."

That tweet was super encouraging and got me thinkin'... youth pastors often go to events for students in their ministry. I have done my fair share of that, seemingly less now that my own 5 kids have so many things they need me at. But nevertheless, when you do go to them, sometimes it can feel like an exercise in futility that no one will notice because there are often hundreds of people also there to watch.

So, here's 4 ways to make the most of a ministry obligation so it doesn't feel like a waste of time.

BE NOTICED: This does not mean become a spotlight that everyone sees. It just means that if you show up to an event and never make sure you're seen, the "wasting of time" feeling will rapidly increase. Don't come and then go away without first making sure your presence was scene by the one you came to watch. Danny's twitter is one way to do that. I never actually even saw him. It was specific enough and subtle enough to tell me, "Hey, I'm here" supporting this moment.

ENCOURAGE: Send an encouragement note, a text, an e-mail, a twitter comment... pretty much anything will do. But just make sure you encourage those who you came to see in a timely manner. My friend's twitter did this too.

DON'T STAY FOR EVERYTHING: Sometimes you have to, but most of the time, you can pick and choose. Come for the first 30 minutes of graduation or the last quarter of some sporting event. I have no idea if Danny left. But I would have. In fact, we sent one set of grandparents to go on a 35 minute walk to starbucks and bring some back while the name announcing went on and on. TJ was called liked about 10 people into another 500 names- so we had A LOT of time to kill. If you're not family, just come for part of an event. It will still make a huge difference and save you tons of time. Besides, most people won't expect you to stay for all of a swim meet or a 4 hour track meet or a 3 hour graduation. Check with the student and come at the optimal time for them.

TAKE PICTURES: this is a great way for you to be "seen". Send a picture you snapped as an encouragement. Put it on facebook and tag them. Lots of options here.

To that end, here's some pics I took today... that I'm sure will be great memories for TJ cuz I took them while I was bored stiff listening to hundreds of names being called. :)) Ha Ha. My 300 mm zoom searched the audience for randomness. I have no idea who most of these pics belong to... but enjoy:

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

2011-06-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not the biggest fan of graduation ceremonies. I didn't even go to my own college graduation- which my mother is still a little annoyed about. I don't like them cuz I think they are very long, usually overly hot in temperature, and very boring. Kinda like watching my kid play baseball. You really have to value the team, because most of the time, I'm watching someone else's kid play baseball or someone else's kid graduate.

But nonetheless, I have 2 graduation ceremonies to go to this week. One was today as Tyler graduated from 5th grade and one is tomorrow for TJ's graduation from 8th. I'm super excited for them and very very proud of them both. I wouldn't miss it for the world, unless I could watch my own kids graduate and then peace out :))

Today, during Tyler's graduation, each kid was given a "scroll" (read random poem rolled into tube and tied with string) at graduation and asked to complete a sentence with a single word as it was handed to them. Each of them was given a scroll and then they said into the mic, "When I grow up I want to be a __________". As I sat there and listened to something close to 100 5th graders tell me what they wanted to be when they grew up, here's what I learned:

NONE OF THEM WANT TO BE A "BLUE COLLAR" WORKER: Not one kid said they want to grow up to be a contractor, plumber, electrician, finish carpenter, tile layer, concrete worker... nothing. Not one. I wonder if this is just our school or if it's a symptom of a larger culture that does not value "work ethic". I don't know why I noticed this group necessarily, but I just found it interesting. (No one said anything about working for a non-profit... religious or otherwise either)

WE HAVE MADE HEROES OUT OF ATHLETES: 3 students said they wanted to be teachers. One said a cop. One said a fire fighter. But the largest concentration (I bet at least 15 students) was to play some kinda sport professionally. I listened carefully several times over as a 4 foot high boy told me that when he grows up (presumably really UP), he wants to be a professional basketball player. Really? It's crazy to me that playing a sport can be a vocation. (My own son said he wanted to be a professional soccer player) Awesome. Unlikely, but awesome. I love to play sports, but I still scratched my head at each of these. Some I'm sure said it just cuz they love the game and presumably, they want to do what they love for a lifetime. It's kinda innocent on one side. But, the other side is that many of these kids want to be athletes because deep down inside, we've told them in our culture, those are the real heros and they'll make you rich, famous, and happy. And that's not true.

WE ALSO HAVE TAUGHT KIDS FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE THAT CAREER AND IDENTITY ARE ONE AND THE SAME. And I don't think it's healthy. It's logical. It's just not healthy. It's the natural answer to the question "When I grow up I want to be a ________". But I still don't think the best answer to that question is a vocation or that it's the best question to encourage students to profess on their way out of elementary school in the first place.

I don't think the identity thing is helpful. In fact, speaking from my own vantage point, I think a lot of pastors see their job as their identity. It is a constant struggle for me to not do this. When we do, the result is that it literally destroys the pastor when ministry falls short. Not just because the ministry fell short, but because there was so much riding on that decision. When we are our career, everything becomes about "us" instead of the mission. If a child is taught they "are their career", then when they lose a job or make a mistake, they don't just affect their take home pay, they lose a piece of themselves too.

I also don't think it's helpful in terms of vision. I think I would have much rather the students told me a character trait or an issue they wanted to fight for in their future than a career goal. How very different and even inspiring this moment could have been if it was more about them and less about a job. Instead of, 'I want to be a teacher or engineer or fashion designer or police officer, etc", I think it would have been awesome to have heard student say, "When I grow up, I want to fight poverty, I want to be a peace maker, I want to show compassion in the medical field". Maybe I want to be "a trusted friend or a trail blazer of new ideas or a man/woman of great faith." Anything other than just a "job title".

Perhaps we'd all be better off (regardless of age or vocation) if we asked ourselves a fresh today, "who do I want to be when I grow up?" instead of "What job do I want to make some money doing".

INTEGRATION VS. COMPLEMENTATION

2011-06-14T23:48:00.000-07:00

The hardest job I have as a pastor is getting people to integrate their lives together.

Everyone in leadership knows that the if you leave an organization alone, it will eventually go off mission. People will gradually do what they want instead of what they originally signed on to do. Groups of people of like mindset will segregate and begin cliques. Complexity will increase and apathy will set in.

It happens in retail, youth ministry, schools, churches... it happens all over the place. In order to stay on mission, with clear goals and a simple vision, all organizations need good leadership that can call out all kinds of ulterior agendas.

This is a subtle art to master, especially if integration is the goal.

I think it's easy to call out dissenting voices: those that are anti the mission, because they self identify themselves as such. They are against the vision and want to change it. Leaders confront this as a danger to organizational health. They are the whiners.

I think it's easy to call out segregated cliques: because they do their own thing in their own way on their own time frame. They are not ream players and are not really trying to be. Leaders address these groups because they threaten unity. They are the lone rangers.

It's however NOT easy to call out complementary groups: because they seem like they are with you. They are the flip side of your coin. They are the left hand and you are the right. This seems logical and needed. And in the church for example, it could be both good and needed... if we were talking about how two churches work together. Church A is like blah and Church B does this other thing instead. So far so good.

However, in a single church, I think this a lousy way to operate. I think it's cheap and easy. I think complementary groups are segregated cliques that share a common collective mission but have their own agenda. Like a small group that does it's own weekend retreats instead of joining the larger church trip. It seems good, but it's subtly moving from "our" mission and into "their" mission.

I THINK THE GOAL SHOULD BE INTEGRATED SPACES, NOT COMPLEMENTARY LEADERSHIP ENVIRONMENTS. This means that I have to work hard to not just have small groups and weekend services, but to have them mutually working together. It means that i have to do the hard work of creating a brand new union instead of just gluing two different programs together. It means working hard to create a new normal... a new mutual space.

By way of a visual, this is COMPLEMENTARY programming.

This is INTEGRATED programming.

In my leadership, I want to strive for integration, not just complementation. They might be a subtle difference, but they are significant and when we integrate, we truly transform lives.

CAUTION: DONT TRUST THE MIRROR

2011-06-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was a mixed ministry bag for me. I have some moments I loved and some that left me scratching my head wondering if this is working at all. I've been in this place before, but it doesn't make this mental/emotional/spiritual trip here any more palpable this go around. The consequence of all that was that I had a grip of things on my brain today. So, while I did this random painting project for my kid's school, I spend some time pondering life and ministry.

In the process, I was reminded that the voice in my head is not the most accurate gauge of reality. Sometimes I'm content with stuff that is not good. Sometimes I'm in a funk about stuff that's really not that funky. Sometimes I see clearly. Sometimes I see fuzzy. There's enough variation inside me to confirm that I can't really trust the mirror to be an objective source of evaluation. I can try and convince myself I see thing unbiased and neutral, but it's not true... especially when the subject is me.

So as I thought about it, I was reminded of a couple of verses:

(Proverbs 26:5) "Do you see people who are wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for fools than for them.”

(Isaiah 5:21) “Destruction is certain for those who think they are wise and consider themselves to be clever.”

Reading those verses again today in this season of ministry was a great reminder for me of the need for multiple voices and the power of community to help me sort out my sense of God's direction. It is clear that as I make changes and assess problems, there's a few others that I need to get involved and be the mirror for me. A team of people are a much more accurate reflection than my own eyes staring back at me will ever be. Here's my list of where I go for insight:

PRAYER: I ask God for divine insight that only God can give. I ask God to speak to me about my issues and his plan.
STUDENTS: I ask students for their feedback. I might grab someone who brought a visitor or a key student who I believe will give me honest feedback.
VOLUNTEERS: I ask some volunteers in my ministry to tell me if my funk is their funk or if it's just a mirror thing. I ask them to confirm or disconfirm what I'm thinking seems right to them.
COACHES: I go to a few hand selected friends and mentors. I tell them my situation, how I'm feeling, and the course of action I think I'm being called into and ask them to confirm it, caution it, or correct it.
RESOURCES: I might read a book on the issue I'm wrestling with or seek one out that someone recommends, but sometimes a neutral voice I can trust can be found easiest by going to someone not in my community at all.

WHEN TO SPEAK UP FOR YOUR KIDS

2011-06-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

If you're a parent, then you know there are plenty of times when stuff doesn't go right in your kids life. Maybe it's cuz they got in a fight at school. Maybe their teacher said something to them and when you heard about it you felt judged and so did your kid. Maybe it's a neighbor who is unhappy or maybe it's your own kids not getting along with one another and fists are flying.

But, regardless of what the issues is, the problem remains the same. You're need to figure out, "Do I step in and save the day or do I shut up and let this play itself out?"

In the last week, I've had to step in twice. That's not normal for me. So it got me thinkin'... "when should I speak up or step into help my kids?" I came up with 3 answers:

WHEN MY KIDS HAVE EXHAUSTED THEIR OWN RESOURCES: If they already went politely to the teacher or the friend to get the issue solved and it only got worse or was completely ignored, then I'm willing to step in. But not until then. We never contact a teacher about an assignment for example, until our own children have gone back and done so themselves. Sometimes I won't go until a third solution on their part fails, and then maybe I'll step in and figure out what the issue really is.

WHEN SOMEONE WILL MOST LIKELY END UP IN THE HOSPITAL: If the problem is that someone could end up with my kid being hurt, I usually won't step in. Truthfully, there's never a time when my kids aren't one wrong move away from a hospital visit. Even when they sleep. My kids have amazing abilities to wound one another. But if the danger is severe enough that they will likely get seriously hurt. then I step in.

WHEN ADULTS ARE AVOIDING ME AND GOING THROUGH MY KID: Occasionally some adult will actually avoid talking to me and send a message through my child. I that case, I never send my child back with the info requested. I always step in if my kids being used as a pawn in someone's political chess game. If you want to get at me and you go through my kids, I promise it will work. It might not turn out like you hoped, but you'll get my attention for sure.

ok.. that's my 3. you got any?

GOD'S PLAN IS CRAZY LIKE THAT.

2011-06-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

Seriously, have you ever looked at your life and noticed how the string of the will of God makes a crazy unpredictable web? I was thinking today in light of some changes that were happening in the youth ministry world about how crazy it is that my life is woven into them. I mean really, I couldn't dream this stuff up.

God is crazy like that. Check this craziness out. I owe each of these people a HUGE debt of gratitude for their influence in my life.

ED NOBLE: A friend who we had brought 3 or 4 times to come and speak to our high school students (at a summer camp run by myself and another friend of mine) invited me to come and be the youth pastor at Journey Community Church. We said yes and 6 years ago we moved to San Diego after serving 11 years in Northern California. I had no idea what kinda web that God would start spinning in me with that decision.

MARK OESTREICHER: a long time friend of Ed Noble, was the president of Youth Specialties when I moved to San Diego. He was a volunteer in our Middle School ministry and was eventually my son TJ's middle school small group leader (today was their last group mtg) and has since become a treasured mentor and friend. Somewhere in there joined the YS Core and the launch of the Youth Ministry Coaching Program due to Marko's influence in my life.

TIC LONG: a president and founder of Youth Specialities recently resigned his post (sorta) and is working 1/2 time there and 1/2 time at my church... soon to become my full-time boss as the Executive Pastor at my church. I knew Tic well from my interactions with YS while Marko was president. Now he's in my office. That was crazy fun. Who coulda dreamed that up?

MARK MATLOCK: a friend of mine who I have served with through YS, became the president of Youth Specialties as a result of the Tic Long move. The other day he e-mailed me and asked if I would join the YSPalooza team. That was more crazy news. Of course I said yes.

DOUG FIELDS: Doug's name coulda gone at the top of this list because I met Doug like 15 years ago when he was teaching the first ever "purpose driven youth ministry seminar"- at that time it was a single day add onto the "purpose driven church seminar" that my church staff was going to at the time. We talked, started a friendship, and it has grown ever since. I've taught at several seminars for conferences that he's hosted and last year he asked me to come to the Simply Youth Ministry Conference and teach some seminars. I did and loved it. This has led to a column I write for Group Magazine and even a couple of book deals. But I put this at the bottom of the list because today, they announced he was coming onto the team of Youth Specialities. Ok... now this web is getting really crazy twisted and funny.

God, what are you up to? Oh yeah... spinning crazy God webs. My bad. I forgot.

Thanks Ed, Marko, Tic, Mark, and Doug. I owe each of you BIG TIME and I can't wait to see how God will use each of you in the future. I'm just blessed to score a fly here and there caught in the web God is spinning in and through each of you.

PREACHING FROM THE HIP

2011-06-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

I had to write a theology of preaching for a theology of preaching final tonight. I didn't want to forget, so I made up an acrostic.

Turns out, I kinda like it. I want to preach from the H.I.P. I want to preach with:

HUMILITY:

I believe that there is something way bigger going on when someone is bringing God's word to the forefront of people's hearts and minds. As a communicator, I'm humbled that God let's me. I'm humbled that God ever uses me to say stuff to people. I'm humbled out of fear because James 3:1 says God holds teachers to a different accountability level- for we are responsible for where we lead people. And lately, I've been humbled as I wrestle with the certainty of it all too. The last thing I want to do is be unbudgingly confident about that which I gotten even slightly wrong. I'm trying to walk softly and let God carry the stick- painting my theology in an occasional black and white, but mostly a more honest set of shades of grey.

I read two quotes recently that have shaped me a little:

Perhaps the greatest temptation of preachers is to think that only they have a theology and to believe that the best thing to do is to convert all those who listen to their way of thinking.- Henry Nouwen in "Creative Ministry"

Tolerance isn't about not having beliefs. It's about how your beliefs lead you to deal with people who disagree with you. - Tim Keller via twitter.

hmmm. Neither Nouwen nor Keller are saying they are wishy washy. They are just saying, before you go telling people how right you are and how wrong they are, take a big humble look in the mirror first. Then talk to yourself before you talk to anyone else.

INTEGRITY:

If it was a universal law that no one could speak a word unless they were fully living that word in their lives, there would be a lot more silence on the planet. Maybe it would just be plain silent. I mean really, everyone's a hypocrite at some point. But our world is full of far too many fakers- especially in the preacher department. Again, this one scares me to death because I know I have to call myself and to those who will chase after Jesus with me to a higher level. That means preaching what I'm striving for instead of what I've achieved at times. But with that said, the honest truth is the same. If I don't want to practice what I preach, I should shut up and stop preaching.

PASSION:

Just as if we're not going to live it, we should shut up; I think if we don't think it matters, we should shut up too. Like why waist anyone's time listening to someone preach about what is ultimately just a take-it-or-leave-it issue. That sounds horrible and horribly boring. Jim Rayburn, the late founder of an organization called Young Life is famous for saying, "It is a sin to bore a kid with the gospel". I think he's right. But maybe it's a sin to bore anyone- not just kids- with the essential core of faith. No, this doesn't mean we jump around yelling and screaming and get the crowd to do the wave... but it does mean that if the message is not significant enough to rouse your emotion as a communicator, maybe it's not worth communicating.

CRAZY PICTURES

2011-06-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I love photography. I started taking pictures in middle school with an old film camera from the WWII era, a pentax with screw on lenses that I bought at a camera swap meet as soon as I was old enough to learn the ropes. I took a photography class in high school... back in the day when you had to go into a dark room and develop your own film.

So, if you love photography. Today's post is for you. Here's 2 links from 2 crazy pictures that totally baffle and stretch my mind as I ponder God and this thing we call creation.

You can read more about this one on Time's site here.... but it is evidently some crazy galazy pic. It is NGC 6744, a galaxy located about 30 million light-years away— or 170 million trillion miles. They claim that this is actually pretty nearby in cosmic terms, and of the galaxies in our immediate celestial neighborhood, NGC 6744 is probably the most similar to the Milky Way. Of course it is. Dang I feel small.

This is the Puyehue volcano in southern Chile that erupted on Saturday, shooting a column of ash and gas six miles into the sky. This picture and 13 more crazy photos like it can be found here. Crazy stuff.

ANIMATED

2011-06-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

I've been called passionate when I teach. I've been called loud. People note that I use lots of props in my messages. I've had negative and positive feedback. I've could list lots of both after countless messages over the last 20 yrs.

But it wasn't until I saw these pics from teaching at the mens retreat from Neighborhood Church that I realized, evidently I'm fairly animated. I have no idea what I was talking about when they took these pics. But clearly I was trying to embody my teaching moment. The third one cracks me up. Ha!

IN CELEBRATION OF FAMILY

2011-06-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

I have been asked to write a book on balancing ministry on family life. I had my first meeting about it today with the publisher. I'm pretty stoked.

I can't wait to share stories of my life where I got it wrong and a few places where I things turned out right. But the truth is, in good and bad, I really love my family. I feel really really really blessed. I also was reminded as we talked how deeply I really want my family to know they come first.

Here's some pictures from the latest events and my attempts to tell them as much with my time:

At a mens retreat, where I was the guest speaker and got to hang with my Dad and my oldest son TJ. I also got to be with one of my best friends and my high school youth pastor too. Love the generations and stories behind these pics.

At Becky and Billy's 8 year-old birthday. Billy went to inflatable world, in-n-out burger, and to see Kung Fu Panda 2. Becky went to the American Girl store in LA to get a doll and take her to lunch. She's super cute..

Jake played Tex in his school play. I took my small group guys to go see him cuz it was a one night play and it was at the same time. So myself and 5 high school guys went and watched a 3rd grade play before heading to pizza for the night. Just trying to keep my family my top priority and modeling it with my students when I can.

Dang I'm blessed. Love those kids. Hope they know it.

SAYING NO TO GOOD STUFF

2011-06-01T22:52:00.001-07:00

I hate saying no to good stuff.

Saying no to bad stuff is hard enough. Anyone who has ever tried to kick a bad habit can testify to that. But turning down a really great opportunity kills me and I think it is almost harder. It's certainly harder for me to justify.

I had a really great opportunity come across my e-mail today. I really wanted to just say yes immediately. Yes, I'd love to do that thing. Only problem is, saying yes to too much can kill me too. I know this. But I'm not the greatest at doing what I know is true in this area. I really want to just be a yes man.

But I can't.

So, to that end, here's how I'm trying to decide what to say yes to and what to say no to these days. Perhaps these five questions will help you decide what is best too. They are in no particular order:

DESTINATION: Where do I see my life headed and will this opportunity move me further towards that goal?
FAMILY: How will this affect my wife and family? Can they go with me? What else am I inherently saying no to if I say yes to this?
MARGIN: Where does this opportunity fit in the grander scope of my calendar? Do I have the margin in my life to do this?
MOTIVE: Is saying yes to this opportunity about a calling from God or a desire for approval from people?
F WORDS: how do I foresee that this could affect my friendships, my finances, and my faith?

WHEN TO HIRE HELP

2011-05-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm not rolling in time or money. So this means that not only can I not do everything I want to, but I cannot pay everyone to get r done either.

I also don't like paying people to do stuff I know how to, or can do myself. So that means that I recently took my PT Cruiser apart to fix a broken door lock and even went to the junk yard to buy the part instead of the dealer to save me another $100. Made for good times with Tyler as we went junk yard bonding, but it also took a lot of time to save me a little money.

Then on last Saturday morning, I had a full day planned with a birthday party for Billy and a party in my backyard on Sunday for some adult leaders, so I called and hired a couple of students to help me do yard work for 3 hours.

Yup, I hired help. That's like a rare experience in my world. But I was SO THANKFUL that I did.

So it got me thinking... when would it be wise for me to buy some time and spend some money on stuff I know how to do myself? Here's my conclusions.

WHEN HIRING PEOPLE MEANS I CAN MULTIPLY MY EFFORTS.

Had I not hired help last Saturday, the same yard work tasks that took me 3 hours would have taken me 9 hours. When my time multiplies, my investment compounds and the money is worth it. This means I'm more likely to hire someone to help me than I am to replace me.

WHEN HIRING PEOPLE MEANS I'M BUYING TIME.

At some point, I have to put a wage on my time. If the cost of the job is low enough and the value on my time high enough, at some point doing it myself is actually not a wise investment. I'm actually wasting time that could be better spent making money or on things at a higher priority level.

WHEN HIRING PEOPLE MEANS I'M HELPING OTHERS.

This is the what goes around comes around concept. Like I could make my own coffee, but buying it from the local java shop also supports my community. When I hire a babysitter or give a job to a college student I'm investing in them as much as they are helping me. When I help them make money and they help me get a job done, it's a win-win. Spending that money feels like an investment more than an expense.

WHEN HIRING PEOPLE MEANS I CAN MOVE ONTO OTHER THINGS.

If I can hire help and get a monkey off my back, then sometimes it's worth it. Like if the project is going to be left undone for 4 weeks before I can get to it, but it can be solved in 3 days with hiring help, then I might seriously need to consider it. Stress relief sometimes is worth a big dollar amount. If I have to live in the mess of a project for too long, paying someone to move the project along is not only healthy for the project, but it is an investment in avoiding depression and angst too.